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Biblical Marriage Mashup
- Thread starter Wynona
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Scorekeeping is toxic in a marriage.
Instead of worrying about whether my husband did his "fair share" I gained a lot more from serving with abandon to please the Lord and letting go of expectations that my husband do things my way or contribute a certain way.
If he leaves a sock on the floor, I find it easier now to simply pick it up if it bothers me, rather than arguing about it. His work requires a lot more energy than picking up a sock. I want him to relax at home. The sock or whatever typical pet peeve is not the priority. Peace is.
I suppose the natural fear is that my husband will never help out and take advantage. But I can't control this and that doesn't have to be a me issue. The thing is, he never has. The more I let go of expectations and remain cheerful, the more he willingy helps beyond work obligations just to be supportive and keep up the happiness.
Instead of worrying about whether my husband did his "fair share" I gained a lot more from serving with abandon to please the Lord and letting go of expectations that my husband do things my way or contribute a certain way.
If he leaves a sock on the floor, I find it easier now to simply pick it up if it bothers me, rather than arguing about it. His work requires a lot more energy than picking up a sock. I want him to relax at home. The sock or whatever typical pet peeve is not the priority. Peace is.
I suppose the natural fear is that my husband will never help out and take advantage. But I can't control this and that doesn't have to be a me issue. The thing is, he never has. The more I let go of expectations and remain cheerful, the more he willingy helps beyond work obligations just to be supportive and keep up the happiness.
- Jan 27, 2021
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- Jan 27, 2021
- 5,343
- 9,254
- 113
- Faith
- Christian
- Country
- United States
- Jan 27, 2021
- 5,343
- 9,254
- 113
- Faith
- Christian
- Country
- United States
- Jan 27, 2021
- 5,343
- 9,254
- 113
- Faith
- Christian
- Country
- United States
- Jan 27, 2021
- 5,343
- 9,254
- 113
- Faith
- Christian
- Country
- United States
- Jan 27, 2021
- 5,343
- 9,254
- 113
- Faith
- Christian
- Country
- United States
- Jan 27, 2021
- 5,343
- 9,254
- 113
- Faith
- Christian
- Country
- United States
I wanted to talk about some things submission in marriage taught me about influence and power.
In the beginning of our marriage, my submission see-sawed at times between passivity, which is not biblical submission, and just plain refusal to submit. However, I was definitely trying to avoid a third category I saw all around me: the contentious controlling wife. I'll talk about what all three look like.
Passivity
- Refusing to share important information, opinions, and feelings
- limp rag doll effect. "If I just act like I don't have a will of my own, submission should be easier!"
- Choosing to never address sin or unwise decisions to avoid conflict at all costs
- Fearing losing the relationship too much
- Idolizing the husband
- Willing to submit to requests that are clearly sinful and destructive
This is unbiblical. Although husbands are due reverence and should be a wife's first priority after God, God must be first. We ought not to not obey a husband in a way that clearly violates the Lord's commands. When our husbands sin, there are times we must lean on the Holy Spirit to address it. The Holy Spirit can give you the timing, tone, and words to help this conversation go well. Once you've established that you are on your husband's team consistently, he is often more open to counsel, which is vital for any leader.
Submissiveness is not going limp rag doll and giving up your voice and influence. It actively yields to rightful authority but uses it's capability for the husband's benefit. It's active, not passive. For example, it is actually helpful for a wife to
-be honest and direct about her wishes and desires but ultimately okay with husband's final decision (case in point: The Lord! What did he pray? Something like "Please let this cup (of wrath) pass from me. Nevertheless not my will but Yours. His submission to the Father was perfect and is our example)
-give wise counsel at appropriate times
-prayerfully address sin and unwise behavior
I'll Submit But Not In Any Way I Don't Feel Like
I asked my husband to lead the marriage when we were dating. However, if he lead in a way that went against my vision for our lives, I often refused. I refused to stop taking community college classes, for example. I prioritized what my parents wanted over what he wanted, assuming he wasn't as respectable as them. I considered him controlling and threatened by me. I assumed a lot of bad motives for him. I didn't entirely trust him and I used his lack of emotional maturity as proof that I didn't have to listen to him when it came to major life decisions.
I was very impatient. I thought he should lead a certain way. And of course, being a 19-year-old with zero experience in leadership, he often lead poorly in the beginning. I had zero patience for this. I was the more experienced Christian. He didn't seem very spiritual to me, and I often said as much.
My failure to understand Genesis 2:18 was a major issue. I thought of us like roommates. Our individual goals should be mutually supported in my book. But this often meant I demanded my husband support goals that took a lot of time and investment away from him. These goals didn't really benefit him, but I didn't care because I thought he should just support them regardless of how often they changed or how they didn't benefit him.
A wife is a helpmeet and companion to her husband. God put husbands at the head of the marriage. They follow the call from God and because he and his wife are one flesh, the wife submits herself to assist him in fulfilling that call. Husband and wife are not 50/50 business partners. They are one flesh. Submission on the wife's part prevents them from pulling in two different directions with competing interests. They have one calling together. This is why it is so important to prioritize choosing a man who fears the Lord.
Control And Emotional Manipulation
In my day, this is what I see the most often in the marriages and relationships around me. It's what's been normalized. Women/wives who
-lecture
-nag repeatedly
-belittle and insult
-have to have their way on issues big and small. "my way or else"
-cry, sulk, argue a lot, go silent, or withhold sex and affection when they don't get their way
-threaten divorce
-talk in an "angry momma" tone of voice
- bark orders
- have a lot to say about how he spends his time, food he eats, etc. not treating him like an adult
- try to tell outsiders about his faults to garner sympathy
These are all very disrespectful but I see this all the time. Both my husband and I come from parents where the mother played a dominant in the relationship. I had to figure a lot of what respect looked like through trial and error. I so often viewed the opposite around me and fell short. I had to lean on Scripture a lot and the example of the few Godly women still embracing submission who shared how they did it.
The best example is Jesus. He submitted to the Father in all things, yet was honest about His emotions, desires, and wishes.
Power and Influence
A lot of women adopt controlling and manipulative behaviors out of fear. They want to have power in the relationship to prevent bad things from happening or simply not having seen another way that works. But what I found in getting better at submission was that my influence and power in the relationship actually improved tremendously.
I didn't lose my voice.
I began to see power in conveying respect and being trusted because my husband began to copycat positive things I was doing without me having to say anything. If I started eating better and keeping myself up more, he began doing that too. This never happened when we were power struggling. The more I tried to argue and criticize my husband, the less interest he had in what I had to say. I started saying a bit less, leading by example (1 Peter 3) without words more, and simply praying through spiritual issues instead of trying to be his Holy Spirit.
Over time, my husband began to trust me. He wanted my advice on all kinds of decisions. He now delegates entire lifestyle decisions like which home we move to, to me, knowing I will do him good to the best of my ability. We are one flesh. His calling is also mine. He takes the brunt of it and I ease the burden. Together, we accomplish God's will as a married couple and now, a family.
Submission is not about being some oppressed doormat. When a man trusts you and cherishes you, he often responds to your trust and respect by leading in a way that directly benefits you. Just like Jesus and his bride: The Church. Does the Church do what Jesus says? Yes. Because the Church knows that He already gave His own life for her sake. My husband is called to do this daily and it's now a wonderful thing to behold.
In the beginning of our marriage, my submission see-sawed at times between passivity, which is not biblical submission, and just plain refusal to submit. However, I was definitely trying to avoid a third category I saw all around me: the contentious controlling wife. I'll talk about what all three look like.
Passivity
- Refusing to share important information, opinions, and feelings
- limp rag doll effect. "If I just act like I don't have a will of my own, submission should be easier!"
- Choosing to never address sin or unwise decisions to avoid conflict at all costs
- Fearing losing the relationship too much
- Idolizing the husband
- Willing to submit to requests that are clearly sinful and destructive
This is unbiblical. Although husbands are due reverence and should be a wife's first priority after God, God must be first. We ought not to not obey a husband in a way that clearly violates the Lord's commands. When our husbands sin, there are times we must lean on the Holy Spirit to address it. The Holy Spirit can give you the timing, tone, and words to help this conversation go well. Once you've established that you are on your husband's team consistently, he is often more open to counsel, which is vital for any leader.
Submissiveness is not going limp rag doll and giving up your voice and influence. It actively yields to rightful authority but uses it's capability for the husband's benefit. It's active, not passive. For example, it is actually helpful for a wife to
-be honest and direct about her wishes and desires but ultimately okay with husband's final decision (case in point: The Lord! What did he pray? Something like "Please let this cup (of wrath) pass from me. Nevertheless not my will but Yours. His submission to the Father was perfect and is our example)
-give wise counsel at appropriate times
-prayerfully address sin and unwise behavior
I'll Submit But Not In Any Way I Don't Feel Like
I asked my husband to lead the marriage when we were dating. However, if he lead in a way that went against my vision for our lives, I often refused. I refused to stop taking community college classes, for example. I prioritized what my parents wanted over what he wanted, assuming he wasn't as respectable as them. I considered him controlling and threatened by me. I assumed a lot of bad motives for him. I didn't entirely trust him and I used his lack of emotional maturity as proof that I didn't have to listen to him when it came to major life decisions.
I was very impatient. I thought he should lead a certain way. And of course, being a 19-year-old with zero experience in leadership, he often lead poorly in the beginning. I had zero patience for this. I was the more experienced Christian. He didn't seem very spiritual to me, and I often said as much.
My failure to understand Genesis 2:18 was a major issue. I thought of us like roommates. Our individual goals should be mutually supported in my book. But this often meant I demanded my husband support goals that took a lot of time and investment away from him. These goals didn't really benefit him, but I didn't care because I thought he should just support them regardless of how often they changed or how they didn't benefit him.
A wife is a helpmeet and companion to her husband. God put husbands at the head of the marriage. They follow the call from God and because he and his wife are one flesh, the wife submits herself to assist him in fulfilling that call. Husband and wife are not 50/50 business partners. They are one flesh. Submission on the wife's part prevents them from pulling in two different directions with competing interests. They have one calling together. This is why it is so important to prioritize choosing a man who fears the Lord.
Control And Emotional Manipulation
In my day, this is what I see the most often in the marriages and relationships around me. It's what's been normalized. Women/wives who
-lecture
-nag repeatedly
-belittle and insult
-have to have their way on issues big and small. "my way or else"
-cry, sulk, argue a lot, go silent, or withhold sex and affection when they don't get their way
-threaten divorce
-talk in an "angry momma" tone of voice
- bark orders
- have a lot to say about how he spends his time, food he eats, etc. not treating him like an adult
- try to tell outsiders about his faults to garner sympathy
These are all very disrespectful but I see this all the time. Both my husband and I come from parents where the mother played a dominant in the relationship. I had to figure a lot of what respect looked like through trial and error. I so often viewed the opposite around me and fell short. I had to lean on Scripture a lot and the example of the few Godly women still embracing submission who shared how they did it.
The best example is Jesus. He submitted to the Father in all things, yet was honest about His emotions, desires, and wishes.
Power and Influence
A lot of women adopt controlling and manipulative behaviors out of fear. They want to have power in the relationship to prevent bad things from happening or simply not having seen another way that works. But what I found in getting better at submission was that my influence and power in the relationship actually improved tremendously.
I didn't lose my voice.
I began to see power in conveying respect and being trusted because my husband began to copycat positive things I was doing without me having to say anything. If I started eating better and keeping myself up more, he began doing that too. This never happened when we were power struggling. The more I tried to argue and criticize my husband, the less interest he had in what I had to say. I started saying a bit less, leading by example (1 Peter 3) without words more, and simply praying through spiritual issues instead of trying to be his Holy Spirit.
Over time, my husband began to trust me. He wanted my advice on all kinds of decisions. He now delegates entire lifestyle decisions like which home we move to, to me, knowing I will do him good to the best of my ability. We are one flesh. His calling is also mine. He takes the brunt of it and I ease the burden. Together, we accomplish God's will as a married couple and now, a family.
Submission is not about being some oppressed doormat. When a man trusts you and cherishes you, he often responds to your trust and respect by leading in a way that directly benefits you. Just like Jesus and his bride: The Church. Does the Church do what Jesus says? Yes. Because the Church knows that He already gave His own life for her sake. My husband is called to do this daily and it's now a wonderful thing to behold.
- Jan 27, 2021
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- 9,254
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- United States
- Jan 27, 2021
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- Jan 27, 2021
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We don't choose to respect or love our spouses because they deserve it. We do it because God loved us in our underserved state.
Wow! Wynona, you are a very courageous woman. I've been researching this subject for a couple of years from the perspective of our pursuit of joy—our ultimate goal in all we do. I've written and posted some of my findings which parallel your comments here. I understand I can't list sites, but if you search "the potter's right berean" and "fruit of the fall berean" they should come to the top. I'd be interested in you thoughts...
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YI don't believe you listing the link is against the rules. I list my blog link here often.
www.marymarthamentor.substack.com
I loved your Fruit of the Fall article and think it's clear, excellent, and persuasive. I would love if you linked or summarized it in this thread :)
Well then, here is Fruit of the Fall - Fruit of the Fall
and The Potter's Right - The Potters Right
Enjoy.
and The Potter's Right - The Potters Right
Enjoy.
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Thank you. The Potters Right is excellent!! Not only do I agree but I gained clarity.
It is so crucial that we as women overcome our desire to control our husbands, become submissive, and serve God and our families. It's the only way to go back to hitting the mark again instead of missing it!
I love that and I'm glad you shared!
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A point to consider:
A wife's submission to her husband is based on the worthiness of Christ, not her husband's actions.
Wives submit because they are trusting God to ultimately be in control through the husband's leadership. This can be trusted even when the husband is not a believer because God is still in control and it is His plan that wives be submissive.
To submit is to trust the Lord. If a wife can't trust God in all His commands, including the one that says submit, she will succomb to fear and the desire to be in control which is not trusting Christ.
A wife's submission to her husband is based on the worthiness of Christ, not her husband's actions.
Wives submit because they are trusting God to ultimately be in control through the husband's leadership. This can be trusted even when the husband is not a believer because God is still in control and it is His plan that wives be submissive.
To submit is to trust the Lord. If a wife can't trust God in all His commands, including the one that says submit, she will succomb to fear and the desire to be in control which is not trusting Christ.
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