Your understanding of Scripture is wrong, but that's what happens when you invent your own doctrines based on flawed interpretation. Taking Scripture out of context, as you have done with John 3:5, simply amplifies your misunderstanding.
John 3:1-11, "Now a certain man, a Pharisee named Nicodemus, who was a member of the Jewish ruling council, came to Jesus at night and said to him, “Rabbi, we know that you are a teacher who has come from God. For no one could perform the miraculous signs that you do unless God is with him.” Jesus replied, “I tell you the solemn truth, unless a person is born from above, he cannot see the kingdom of God.” Nicodemus said to him, “How can a man be born when he is old? He cannot enter his mother’s womb and be born a second time, can he?”
Jesus answered, “I tell you the solemn truth, unless a person is born of water and spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God. What is born of the flesh is flesh, and what is born of the Spirit is spirit. Do not be amazed that I said to you, ‘You must all be born from above.’ The wind blows wherever it will, and you hear the sound it makes, but do not know where it comes from and where it is going. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit.”
Nicodemus replied, “How can these things be?” Jesus answered, “Are you the teacher of Israel and yet you don’t understand these things? I tell you the solemn truth, we speak about what we know and testify about what we have seen, but you people do not accept our testimony."
To think that this refers to water baptism is absurd! There are two types of birth, as Jesus clearly explains. One is natural birth (by "water", a.k.a. amniotic fluid, and the other is by the Holy Spirit. Born of the flesh, by "water", has nothing to do with being baptized. That is a classic example of eisegesis (the interpretation of a text (as of the Bible) by reading into it one's own ideas).
In your own (childish) words, "Your understanding of Scripture is pathetic - but that's what happens when you invent your own little "doctrines". Grow up!