You said the word "partnership". The problem with a partnership is that when both parties are not benefitting equally, one partner can just call it off.
That is not how either of us think.
Marriage is a commitment not a partnership. When you suffer in the marriage and you aren't getting what you want, you are still doing all you can to make the sacrifice of staying in that relationship.
We both agree with that. We are however partners. We are committed to each other.
I think this is arguing semantics though.
I asked my husband to lead from the beginning but viewing marriage as a partnership where I have equally valid separate goals undermined us.
I don’t want to lead and she doesn’t want a leader, this was from the start. Surprisingly, our goals are pretty aligned. Do we have a few separate ones, we do, as every couple should have goals of their own individually that they want to accomplish, and the other person in the relationship should help them to achieve them. We do that in our relationship. There is no undermining. We discuss goals and then put a plan into action that achieves them or at least tries to achieve them. We do it together.
This was before kids. I got married at 20. Baby number one came at 28.
We don’t have kids of our own together. However, we both co-parent. I have two children that are under 18. I get them every other weekend. Her son just turned 18 and is working and because we live far from where he lives with his dad while he flies to school, we don’t see him much.
You have the advantage of better finances but what happens when ya'll disagree on something major? What happens if she decides she isn't benefitting equally in the relationship?
Actually, as I think I stated, she gets paid more than I do and likely will, even till I retire, which will be before her.
When we disagree on something major that something gets tabled so to speak. If after some time we still disagree, then that major thing isn’t worth it to purchase. If it’s not a purchase, we tend to agree on it anyway. We rarely if ever disagree on something major. I cannot think of a time yet where we have to be honest and if we did, we figured it out and ended up agreeing or that major thing didn’t happen.
Relationships are give and take. They aren’t all give and they aren’t all take. We both know this. Neither of us have ever felt that we weren’t benefitting from the relationship.
There is no 50 50 marriage. I havent seen one first of all because the woman usually just takes over. But its not possible in any marriage because life is never fair and sometimes one will get more than the other.
Very rarely is it 50/50. It can be 60/40 one day and 30/70 the next. It can be 100/0 even. We know this and know that the next day it may be more even or swing the other way. We choose to love each other despite where the pendulum is currently.
The ideal is that each person gives their all freely and trusts God and the other spouse with the outcome.
Pretty much, yeah. We give as freely to each other as we can on a day-to-day basis.
I stopped worrying about the 50 50 of our relationship. I trust him. My share of work will decrease as the kids get older---he has to work until he retires.
Pretty much again. We will both work till we retire.
Its not 50 50, but it's an understanding that we are both going to sacrifice for the unity and good of the marriage. Sometimes more. Sometimes less. Patience is "longsuffering" for a reason. Enduring suffering is part of truly loving someone.
Agreed!
The odd thing is that in submission, Ive traded overarching control for greater influence and more decision making than I ever had as an equal partner.
One doesn’t need to submit in order to have greater influence and more decision making. We make decisions together. Neither has control over the other person or tries to control the other person. As equals, we both have influence over things at different times.
I traded control for greater influence because my husband trusts me. The difference is that I do this now under the umbrella of what he likes and what will help him.
As I trust my fiancé and she trusts me. We do things together that benefit us both and will help us both. We’re a team, a partnership. If we’re not in it together, it will fail. I wouldn’t want her to do it your way, to be honest, for us it would never work. I wouldn’t get uncomfortable really quick. If we’re not in it to help each other out, then why are we together?
I used to run in all kinds of directions that had no benefit to him or the marriage, hence the need for order and leadership.
Our relationship has never been like this. Now, am I saying that we never do anything that is a benefit to ourselves individually? I love to play PC games, is it a benefit to her if I do that, well, she might say that it is since she can watch BBC shows that I don’t watch, so bad example. Many times we’re just happy to be in each other’s presence and doing different things. I unwind by playing video games. She unwinds by watching BBC shows. We’re still in the same room, just doing different things. When we want to do something together, we do, such as watch a movie, go to Disney or what have you.
What I am trying to say is that we have never been the couple that runs in different directions. We have always had a clear path that we trod. Are there bends? You betcha. It is life after all, but we never let those bends get in the way of us. As she is fond of saying, “you and me, we got this!”
Couples have different ways of doing things. The way you are doing things may not work for the next person, just as the way we’re doing things may not work for someone else, but for us and the people that we are, it works.
