It Was Hard For Me To Understand Christian Modesty for Women

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Wynona

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I love to read about how different Christian women practice and apply modesty. But it got confusing at times.

I see several camps:

Camp 1: Its not about rules and a dress code, its about the heart!!!

Camp 2: There is a biblical dress code and it shows reverence for God.

Camp 3: Modesty is avoiding drawing attention to yourself at all. Wearing plain/drab or formless clothing is what true modesty is.

I believe all three camps have value and would partially agree with all three. There are biblical guidelines. It is a heart issue. It encompasses conduct and actions. It is good to not dress to draw unnecessary attention to yourself and your sensuality.

But I also disagree a bit. Heart reflects in our clothing choices. Dress codes are sometimes man made traditions. And the Proverbs 31 woman wore silk and purple. She was hardly drab.

So what is modesty?

If a someone has a modest bank account, what does that say?

His money does what it needs to do but not too much else.

I think thats closer.

The problem I ran into is that modest, feminine clothing makes me feel really pretty. Ladylike. Confident. Even Attractive. Am I right back to square one? Is that vanity?

No. I think women attract attention regardless of how they dress. Regardless of how unappealing we may feel, yes the men are noticing you. Being female is more than enough.

Modesty and humility isn't about purposely looking bad or even covering as many features as possible.

The modest woman checks the mirror, feels functional, not overly sexualized, and may even feel cute but then goes on about her day.

She isn't consumed with how bad or good she looks or expensive labels. There's good to accomplish and she's dressed to do it.

I am in love with dresses. Some of the cute ones are very modest! Ive never felt restricted by trying various modesty standards even when I stopped wearing pants for a season.

I never even felt less noticed by people. Especially male people. If anything, that sort of attention increased at times, though it was often more respectful. More politeness and doors being opened.

I used to wonder if that made me less modest. But now I just think modesty is attractive and trying to be unattractive is a fools errand for women. You can unnattract some men...but not all of them.

Your intentions do matter there. My husband explained "dressing single" and "dressing married". At first I didn't get that either.

Then he said "think of a Queen's lady in waiting... she's dressing well to honorably reflect her royal family, not to draw all the honor to herself. But she definitely looks good. Dressing married dresses well to honor God and/or husband and/or children. Dressing single is advertising that you want attention for yourself for your own benefit.
 

JohnDB

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I love to read about how different Christian women practice and apply modesty. But it got confusing at times.

I see several camps:

Camp 1: Its not about rules and a dress code, its about the heart!!!

Camp 2: There is a biblical dress code and it shows reverence for God.

Camp 3: Modesty is avoiding drawing attention to yourself at all. Wearing plain/drab or formless clothing is what true modesty is.

I believe all three camps have value and would partially agree with all three. There are biblical guidelines. It is a heart issue. It encompasses conduct and actions. It is good to not dress to draw unnecessary attention to yourself and your sensuality.

But I also disagree a bit. Heart reflects in our clothing choices. Dress codes are sometimes man made traditions. And the Proverbs 31 woman wore silk and purple. She was hardly drab.

So what is modesty?

If a someone has a modest bank account, what does that say?

His money does what it needs to do but not too much else.

I think thats closer.

The problem I ran into is that modest, feminine clothing makes me feel really pretty. Ladylike. Confident. Even Attractive. Am I right back to square one? Is that vanity?

No. I think women attract attention regardless of how they dress. Regardless of how unappealing we may feel, yes the men are noticing you. Being female is more than enough.

Modesty and humility isn't about purposely looking bad or even covering as many features as possible.

The modest woman checks the mirror, feels functional, not overly sexualized, and may even feel cute but then goes on about her day.

She isn't consumed with how bad or good she looks or expensive labels. There's good to accomplish and she's dressed to do it.

I am in love with dresses. Some of the cute ones are very modest! Ive never felt restricted by trying various modesty standards even when I stopped wearing pants for a season.

I never even felt less noticed by people. Especially male people. If anything, that sort of attention increased at times, though it was often more respectful. More politeness and doors being opened.

I used to wonder if that made me less modest. But now I just think modesty is attractive and trying to be unattractive is a fools errand for women. You can unnattract some men...but not all of them.

Your intentions do matter there. My husband explained "dressing single" and "dressing married". At first I didn't get that either.

Then he said "think of a Queen's lady in waiting... she's dressing well to honorably reflect her royal family, not to draw all the honor to herself. But she definitely looks good. Dressing married dresses well to honor God and/or husband and/or children. Dressing single is advertising that you want attention for yourself for your own benefit.

How about just being average?
Because a burka attracts attention just like a short, low cut party dress attracts attention at a business meeting.
And blue jeans will attract attention while at a pool party and everyone is swimming and dressed appropriately for public bathing.

But there are times and places where any sort of clothing (or lack thereof) is average and ordinary. Dressing in $25,000 dresses might be a modest dressing style....but is absolutely outside of what Paul was referencing as being appropriate for church services. The Opera? Appropriate!

It was something of a discussion when I explained to my wife that the "blue jeans" she saw other women wearing were $600 jeans and I knew for a fact that she did not own any and could she please dress up a little bit for church. (She is from the rural world and not a city dweller)
 

Wynona

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How about just being average?
Because a burka attracts attention just like a short, low cut party dress attracts attention at a business meeting.
And blue jeans will attract attention while at a pool party and everyone is swimming and dressed appropriately for public bathing.

But there are times and places where any sort of clothing (or lack thereof) is average and ordinary. Dressing in $25,000 dresses might be a modest dressing style....but is absolutely outside of what Paul was referencing as being appropriate.

It was something of a discussion when I explained to my wife that the "blue jeans" she saw other women wearing were $600 jeans and I knew for a fact that she did not own any and could she please dress up a little bit for church. (She is from the rural world and not a city dweller)
I like where you're going with that.

I believe "appropriate for the situation" is a part of modesty. Sometimes a modest outfit stands out but it cant be helped if the crowd is just too immodest.

1 Timothy 2:9
King James Version
9 In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;

I think 600 dollar jeans counts as costly array.
 

JohnDB

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I like where you're going with that.

I believe "appropriate for the situation" is a part of modesty. Sometimes a modest outfit stands out but it cant be helped if the crowd is just too immodest.

1 Timothy 2:9
King James Version
9 In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;

I think 600 dollar jeans counts as costly array.
Well....to be honest it was a church full of wealthy people and a "Who's Who" of Nashville. For them, it wasn't really outside the box. It was for our modest means....but they happened to like me there. I accepted them and their ways and they found they could tolerate mine. (I tried to blend in as best as possible)
Yes, there were former models and famous Christian singers there regularly.
 

Wynona

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Well....to be honest it was a church full of wealthy people and a "Who's Who" of Nashville. For them, it wasn't really outside the box. It was for our modest means....but they happened to like me there. I accepted them and their ways and they found they could tolerate mine. (I tried to blend in as best as possible)
Yes, there were former models and famous Christian singers there regularly.
Understood. Maybe its just me who thinks $600 jeans is excessive. lol

If they're good people, that's far more important, though.
 

JohnDB

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Understood. Maybe its just me who thinks $600 jeans is excessive. lol

If they're good people, that's far more important, though.
You ain't alone in that....

But my wife didn't understand that her $20 Wranglers weren't the same as the $600 designer jeans worn on Sunday Morning by the former fashion model in 3 inch heels and a designer top that also was pricey. Her whole ensemble was more than our mortgage payment.

We're they "Good people"?
In truth they were a blend. In some ways they were awesome...and in other ways completely pathetic.
However....
One of the things that they liked about me was that in Spiritual matters and my love of scripture I was the leader. They could do what I did but I'm a VERY practiced hand at handling scripture...and I made it seem simple. A few tried to emulate what I could do but...they found out its not as simple as I made it appear. Sure, they had money...but I had God. And I could cook. (Recovering Chef....i have issues with the first step in the 12 step program)
Ever had home made chocolate truffles as a staple at your Christmas party? I'm not the best of the best at it but still competent...and I enjoy doing it.

We blended in fairly well...we are edumacated and polite and willing to hold up our end in things....but it was my wife's first rodeo in the big city. She just didn't understand what she was seeing. So I had to have a discussion....where there were Churches in Nashville where $20 Wranglers on Sunday Morning are very appropriate....this church wasn't one of those.

And to this day....I still ponder those young preachers in $600 flannel shirts or same value T-Shirts and $400 blue jeans who preach in front of some unpainted shiplap boards or some used lumber and try to speak colloquially. YouTube is a wild place....
 

PS95

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Oh Wynona. Be yourself and dress how you want to, as long as your boobs aren't hanging out and dress isn't a mini! :jest:
Youre free to appreciate nice clothing. just don't make it what you are about. Always remember everything you have is a gift from God. He made beauty. :spring: He also gave us a brain that knows a pair of jeans isn't worth 600 bucks!
 
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Wynona

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Oh Wynona. Be yourself and dress how you want to, as long as your boobs aren't hanging out and dress isn't a mini! :jest:
Youre free to appreciate nice clothing. just don't make it what you are about. Always remember everything you have is a gift from God. He made beauty. :spring: He also gave us a brain that knows a pair of jeans isn't worth 600 bucks!
You can count on me to think jeans shouldn't be that pricey and to overthink pretty much evetything else! You're welcome! lol
 
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Nancy

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This morning I am wearing a very colorful jumper with a nice tee shirt underneath. The last thing I want is to attract a man and, if any be attracted it is NOT because of being immodest. I also understand being reverent at all times with The Lord and love the praise and worship. I sing along from hymn books but not loud, a heart thing as you say sister. Nothing wrong wanting to feel pretty and put together neatly and even feminine, you are a woman after all.
I've seen miniskirts and very low tops on some women in almost every church I have ever attended...that to me is very irreverent.
I detect zero vanity in you sister, you love The Lord and only want to please Him.
xoxo
 

Wynona

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This morning I am wearing a very colorful jumper with a nice tee shirt underneath. The last thing I want is to attract a man and, if any be attracted it is NOT because of being immodest. I also understand being reverent at all times with The Lord and love the praise and worship. I sing along from hymn books but not loud, a heart thing as you say sister. Nothing wrong wanting to feel pretty and put together neatly and even feminine, you are a woman after all.
I've seen miniskirts and very low tops on some women in almost every church I have ever attended...that to me is very irreverent.
I detect zero vanity in you sister, you love The Lord and only want to please Him.
xoxo
Thanks Nancy! Love you, Sis!
 

St. SteVen

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Nothing wrong wanting to feel pretty and put together neatly and even feminine, you are a woman after all.
Well said. Thanks!

I've seen miniskirts and very low tops on some women in almost every church I have ever attended...that to me is very irreverent.
Let's talk about yoga pants. Yikes!

'
 
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St. SteVen

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The problem I ran into is that modest, feminine clothing makes me feel really pretty. Ladylike. Confident. Even Attractive. Am I right back to square one? Is that vanity?
Great topic, thanks!
If you feel pretty and ladylike, I would say that is a good goal. When should be attractive. God made us that way. Making yourself unattractive puts a smudge on God's gift to women. IMHO

As a man, a woman that is modest, feminine, pretty, ladylike, confident and even attractive is appropriate. It says to me that in a relationship she would be committed and loving. Women that dress overtly sexual don't seem as though they could be trusted to not sleep with any guy who shows interest. And a woman who purposefully dresses unattractively would have intimacy issues in a relationship. She thinks sex = bad. And I think many Christian women suffer from that mindset. Or actually, it is their committed male partners who suffer.

No. I think women attract attention regardless of how they dress. Regardless of how unappealing we may feel, yes the men are noticing you. Being female is more than enough.
Attractive is good, for the right reasons. Tell me if I am wrong, but it seems that most women dress for other women, not for men. Meaning, how other women feel about you is moire important than inappropriate attention from men.

]
 
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Wynona

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Well said. Thanks!


Let's talk about yoga pants. Yikes!

'
Definitely plenty of ways to miss the mark. Not sure we need to look frumpy on purpose. But Id take that in a church setting over yoga pants or mini skirts.

Not sure what men are supposed to do in situations like that. I don't envy the lack of immodest spaces today. The mall? The gym? Church???

My husband says he gets numb to it after a while. But we're also somewhat used to churches most people consider strict with modesty standards. It would also break my heart to see girls wearing that in a sanctuary. It's not necessary. They are just as precious and beautiful with modest clothing. I see immodesty as vulnerability.
 

St. SteVen

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Not sure what men are supposed to do in situations like that. I don't envy the lack of immodest spaces today. The mall? The gym? Church???
Sometimes I think women go to the store thinking there won't be any men there to see them. Then I get a look as if I am the problem. - LOL

]
 

Wynona

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Attractive is good, for the right reasons. Tell me if I am wrong, but it seems that most women dress for other women, not for men. Meaning, how other women feel about you is moire important than inappropriate attention from men.
I agree. There are so many things I thought men liked but did because other women promoted it.

I was shocked at how many men hate makeup. The trends with fake hair, those pointy dagger nails, eyelashes that look like they can take flight...Im not sure that's entirely for the male gaze either.

If I had to generalize, Id say men favor women with a healthy range of weight, longer hair, a smile, and a feminine dress style. But not being that doesn't disqualify you from notice from all men either.

The 1000 lb sisters had boyfriends.
 
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Wynona

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Sometimes I think women go to the store thinking there won't be any men there to see them. Then I get a look as if I am the problem. - LOL

]
You didn't join a monastery. It's clearly a you problem. Not enough meditating in the empty hills.
 

St. SteVen

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Definitely plenty of ways to miss the mark. Not sure we need to look frumpy on purpose. But Id take that in a church setting over yoga pants or mini skirts.
We are ambassadors for Christ. What would an ambassador wear? What are you "selling"? = LOL

]
 

St. SteVen

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Wish a lot of young women could hear what Godly men actually think of immodesty.
They need MORE good role models. The women that are getting all their attention are so VERY immodest.

wanton /wŏn′tən/

adjective​

  1. Lascivious or promiscuous. Used especially of women.
  2. Exciting or expressing sexual desire.
    "a wanton pose."
  3. Marked by unprovoked, gratuitous maliciousness; capricious and unjust.
    "wanton destruction."
]
 

Wynona

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They need MORE good role models. The women that are getting all their attention are so VERY immodest.

wanton /wŏn′tən/

adjective​

  1. Lascivious or promiscuous. Used especially of women.
  2. Exciting or expressing sexual desire.
    "a wanton pose."
  3. Marked by unprovoked, gratuitous maliciousness; capricious and unjust.
    "wanton destruction."
]
Unfortunately, thats true. Girls are looking up to Taylor Swift, Nicki Minaj, and Lizzo.

How do you teach girls the value of discretion, modest behaviour, and dress in a world like that?

I looked up to my Mom. I still do. She's a difficult act to follow. She has class and wisdom.

I hope my baby girl keeps seeing me as someone to imitate more than the women getting all the attention today.