You sound like Saul before he became Paul.
If you listen to Paul and feel his heart, love is the transforming issue in his life.
The trinity has always been something that is a consequence of an encounter with Jesus not because it makes sense, which it does not, or is anything other than the mystery of the creator. We do not know what eternal means, we only know created existence.
Jesus spoke about who He was to His disciples and it is this one to one relationship which is reflected in the gospels. Facts are almost in the back seat, it is the emotional relationship impact that matters. Jesus wept for Lazarus because he loved him and his sisters, even though he was going to raise Lazarus from the dead. Death in a sense was never the issue, it was this break between the Lord and man, the aloneness and separateness that makes sin so appealing, to get that which is not rightfully ours, because we are not happy with what we have, because in the end we need to be valued. Ironically this value is in the eyes of other men, who will destroy us as much as blink.
What shows Jesus and the Father are one, because 3 years after beginning Jesus died. It was enough to make contact, to teach and lay out salvation and for the apostles to know eternity, the Kingdom of heaven come down to earth, but not enough to indulge, or over do it. Stephen saw it so clearly he got angry with the pharisees, because who the Father is was clear as day, but they literally did not care. Trying to play it safe was just a farce, so he let it rip, and they stoned him to death. One way to get to be with Jesus extra quickly.
I hope this warms you heart, because it does mine.
God bless you