Before marriage- what was your guys dealbreakers?

[Zeth4500]

Hi im, a modern-aged person and im in a partly modern relationship, in an engagement. The people of my generation are extremely difficult. I have been in many relationships and terminated many of them and barely had any regrets. I had many relationships because i wasnt always christian, since i became christian i got engaged not too long after and i put my entire life into it. I know everyone will tell me to find the perfect 100% christian woman thats pure virgin and came from an infinitely long bloodline of pure christians that married virgins and never divorced- ive never spoken to such a woman in my life!

Im not trying to garner sympathy, but im feeling very broken as my fiancée last night took off her ring in an heated argument regarding my jealousy-inducing past, she put it back on not too long after but since then ive just felt so broken and empty because its something she has threatened to do before but never really did. Am i over-reacting? I took off my ring later on because i had to think. This morning i felt compelled to put it back on despite i cant get into contact with my fiancée, ive asked god but i dont hear anything. Is this god guiding me?
I know i will get many people simply advising me to break apart entirely, but when i say ive put my life into this relationship i mean it. I have let many things pass under the bridge and we have always been good at compromising and apologizing, we both struggle when we are angered.
I guess im just looking for some kinda input because my brain is absolutely flatlining, especially christian input.

Please move thread if posted incorrectly

 

[ReChoired]

You both need counselling, preferrably from a happily married christian couple who is wise, and experienced in marriage, Christ Jesus, Bible, etc. Salvation is not in abandonment, but in communication restored.

The ring means nothing (it is pagan in origin anyway). A ring never saves a marriage. A ring is simply a metal and stone 'band'. If you need a physical reminder of the vows, then you are already in trouble. Try forgiveness - Forgiveness & Reconciliation by brother Aaron Earnest Video and Powerpoint : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive

The true 'band' of the marriage, is the 'house-band' (Husband), being as sacrificial in love as Jesus was for His own bride.. The bands of selfless love.

These may help also - Marriage and Relationships by brother Aaron Earnest : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive

Amazing Facts Study Guide 05 Keys For A Happy Marriage : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive

Amazing Facts Study Guide 05 Keys For A Happy MarriageYOUTUBE: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCplWZcKcFd1tNbHYPS-5t9wINTERNET ARCHIVE: ...

archive.org

Letters To Young Lovers by Ellen G White Read By Randy Skeete Made For Video : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive

Letters To Young Lovers by Ellen G White Read By Randy Skeete Made For VideoYOUTUBE: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCplWZcKcFd1tNbHYPS-5t9wINTERNET...

archive.org

Hosea & Gomer : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive

Hosea & GomerYOUTUBE: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCplWZcKcFd1tNbHYPS-5t9wINTERNET ARCHIVE: https://archive.org/details/@its_adventageousPEARL...

archive.org

 

[Zeth4500]

You both need counselling, preferrably from a happily married christian couple who is wise, and experienced in marriage, Christ Jesus, Bible, etc. Salvation is not in abandonment, but in communication restored.

The ring means nothing (it is pagan in origin anyway). A ring never saves a marriage. A ring is simply a metal and stone 'band'. If you need a physical reminder of the vows, then you are already in trouble. Try forgiveness - Forgiveness & Reconciliation by brother Aaron Earnest Video and Powerpoint : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive

The true 'band' of the marriage, is the 'house-band' (Husband), being as sacrificial in love as Jesus was for His own bride.. The bands of selfless love.

These may help also - Marriage and Relationships by brother Aaron Earnest : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive

Amazing Facts Study Guide 05 Keys For A Happy Marriage : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive

Amazing Facts Study Guide 05 Keys For A Happy MarriageYOUTUBE: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCplWZcKcFd1tNbHYPS-5t9wINTERNET ARCHIVE: ...

archive.org

Letters To Young Lovers by Ellen G White Read By Randy Skeete Made For Video : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive

Letters To Young Lovers by Ellen G White Read By Randy Skeete Made For VideoYOUTUBE: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCplWZcKcFd1tNbHYPS-5t9wINTERNET...

archive.org

Hosea & Gomer : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive

Hosea & GomerYOUTUBE: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCplWZcKcFd1tNbHYPS-5t9wINTERNET ARCHIVE: https://archive.org/details/@its_adventageousPEARL...

archive.org

thank you very much for the material, especially point 5 is whats hurting us since i have to sleep early so i can get up to my work, i try my best to keep touchy conversations away before sleep so we dont have to talk out things before we go to bed but, if i get no sleep, i wont keep my job and then our lives wont move forward. i wasnt aware this was a rule in the bible, but its a great rule to have. phillipians 3:13 is especially relevant as my woman has retroactive jealousy.

 

[ReChoired]

thank you very much for the material, especially point 5 is whats hurting us since i have to sleep early so i can get up to my work, i try my best to keep touchy conversations away before sleep so we dont have to talk out things before we go to bed but, if i get no sleep, i wont keep my job and then our lives wont move forward. i wasnt aware this was a rule in the bible, but its a great rule to have. phillipians 3:13 is especially relevant as my woman has retroactive jealousy.

Be open, be honest, be humble, be meek, be the first to say I am sorry, be available, be willing to make the time for each other, be constant in prayer (individually, and together), be mindful of your vows to one another and towards God (for it is God which unites the marriage, the hearts, the minds and purposes), and be willing to accept each other in success, and failure, be ready to support not attack, be ready to comfort and not blame, be ready to be silent and to listen and not to be first to always speak, and speak only what is needful, not what is unimportant, be ready to give the benefit of the doubt, be always kind, be patient, be long-suffering, be ready to communicate, be tender, be a leader not one who forces, be respectful, be mindful of the others need before your own, be willing to allow each other the room to grow, make mistakes, to own up to decisions and consequences. The job is not your goal. Christ-likeness is always the goal. Even if the job disappears, you nor the other do not disappear. Allow God the room to bestow grace in times of need, testing, and have faith in His plan, even when yours do not come to fruition. You should be able to be jobless, homeless, penniless and still be happily married. The greatest thing to provide for on another is not money, food, clothing, or even a place to stay. Those are nice things, but the greatets thing to provide for one another is always love. Cherish evey moment you have with each other. It is a gift from God, do not squander it. Prove the world wrong and God right. Marriage is of God, and is a wonderful blessed gift.

 

[Windmill Charge]

im feeling very broken as my fiancée last night took off her ring in an heated argument regarding my jealousy-inducing past, she put it back on not too long after but since then ive just felt so broken and empty because its something she has threatened to do before but never really did

Why does an anger induced action cause you to feel broken?
You need to think this through, a ring is only a symbol, not the reality.

You both also need to learn that when arguing you never bring up past incidents, but say things like when you do ... that makes me feel....
You explain how there actions affect you.
Also discuss how your involvement in church affects your marriage,

 

[SavedInHim]

Hi im, a modern-aged person and im in a partly modern relationship, in an engagement. The people of my generation are extremely difficult. I have been in many relationships and terminated many of them and barely had any regrets. I had many relationships because i wasnt always christian, since i became christian i got engaged not too long after and i put my entire life into it. I know everyone will tell me to find the perfect 100% christian woman thats pure virgin and came from an infinitely long bloodline of pure christians that married virgins and never divorced- ive never spoken to such a woman in my life!

Im not trying to garner sympathy, but im feeling very broken as my fiancée last night took off her ring in an heated argument regarding my jealousy-inducing past, she put it back on not too long after but since then ive just felt so broken and empty because its something she has threatened to do before but never really did. Am i over-reacting? I took off my ring later on because i had to think. This morning i felt compelled to put it back on despite i cant get into contact with my fiancée, ive asked god but i dont hear anything. Is this god guiding me?
I know i will get many people simply advising me to break apart entirely, but when i say ive put my life into this relationship i mean it. I have let many things pass under the bridge and we have always been good at compromising and apologizing, we both struggle when we are angered.
I guess im just looking for some kinda input because my brain is absolutely flatlining, especially christian input.

Please move thread if posted incorrectly

Welcome to the world of male/female relationships. If I were you, I'd forget about women, strive to have a closer walk with the Lord, and learn self-control so you aren't at the mercy of a woman. That's what I did and haven't regretted it for a second.

 

[Zeth4500]

t is a gift from God, do not squander it. Prove the world wrong and God right. Marriage is of God, and is a wonderful blessed gift.

yes i agree, ive always had the holy spirit within me and i have warned her that the devil will tempt her massively as my selfcontrol isnt worth bothering with for the devil anymore
she is very tempted by the devil indeed and im not sure how much shes burning with inside her mind that she wont tell me to avoid hurting me

 

[Zeth4500]

You both also need to learn that when arguing you never bring up past incidents, but say things like when you do ... that makes me feel....
You explain how there actions affect you.
Also discuss how your involvement in church affects your marriage,

yes i can understand her and i agree, its not wise to bring up the past- the bible even says so to leave the past in the past. i can understand her, her brain snaps our of pure jealousy and its difficult to do anything when i cant be there to hold her hand. its a very frustrating puzzle and theres always 1 piece missing
she is still maturing, she lived at home until this year began her moods are erratic and im sure shes challenged by evil forces on the regular- i have had moments where ive snapped. she is genuinely remorseful when we talk things through after our incidents. since i previously let her know any detail she wanted to hear about my past she has a wide array of things she hates about my past, ironically. how else than lobotomy can i take away her memory? maybe i should have known better

 

[Zeth4500]

Welcome to the world of male/female relationships. If I were you, I'd forget about women, strive to have a closer walk with the Lord, and learn self-control so you aren't at the mercy of a woman. That's what I did and haven't regretted it for a second.

if only that was so easy, before repenting i was doing the most obscene things on edge with any parameter, even on edge with those people who grew up living on the edge- i know what my life requires for the next step and there is no shortcut to it, im getting old and i dont support the idea of having children at an old age, quite contrarily if i do end up having kids i will make sure they are mature at a young age to start their own family, much sooner than i would ever manage to.
i have had a taste of every thrill humanely possible and i know what i need, ive had all my wants- but now i only have a need left. and its not something any amount of money could ever buy.

 

[SavedInHim]

if only that was so easy, before repenting i was doing the most obscene things on edge with any parameter, even on edge with those people who grew up living on the edge- i know what my life requires for the next step and there is no shortcut to it, im getting old and i dont support the idea of having children at an old age, quite contrarily if i do end up having kids i will make sure they are mature at a young age to start their own family, much sooner than i would ever manage to.
i have had a taste of every thrill humanely possible and i know what i need, ive had all my wants- but now i only have a need left. and its not something any amount of money could ever buy.

I never said to take shortcuts or that it would be easy. Honestly, it sounds like you're looking for a shortcut by trying to force something that isn't working. I'm suggesting an alternative that can offer you some peace. If you don't want to take me up on it, that's up to you. I hope and pray things work out for you, but if they don't maybe you'll reconsider.

 

[JohnDB]

I know everyone will tell me to find the perfect 100% christian woman thats pure virgin and came from an infinitely long bloodline of pure christians that married virgins and never divorced- ive never spoken to such a woman in my life!

Yeah....at 58 I've never met a woman like that either. So I'm not going to say to do that. However I will say not to marry a former sex worker of any sort. From modeling to onlyfans accounts or exotic dancer. (This includes Instagram and Facebook)

What do you and she want to do with this marriage? (Besides having sex) What are you two joining forces to do?
What ministries are you going to perform in your community together?

Both of you each have unique talents and gifts you bring to the table that can work together. Have you and her discussed goals?

Most marriages spend the first year either between the sheets or fighting with little time spent doing anything else. And you both will argue constantly with lots of makeup sex....just to start another argument after sex. But eventually it will even out.

You got your "emotional baggage" you bring into the relationship and so does she.
And where you would like to believe you are angry at her....more often than not you are fighting with the voices in your own head but using her as a ventriloquist dummy of sorts.

Because in truth you know the outcome of what you are about to say to her before you say it. And she is doing the exact same thing with you.

A dirty little secret of mine is that I am a fine dining chef....not much difference between Gordon Ramsay's skills and mine except he is rich and famous and I am not. But....even though I can make absolutely wonderful foods the voices in my head are snarling and scornful about how could I serve a disaster like I am. And occasionally I end up fighting those voices....but using this person in front of me as my ventriloquist's dummy. We ALL are a little odd in some ways.

You can sum it up as saying you two are fighting about control....who has it and where. And peace us only had when neither has control....you both have it together as it benefits you two TOGETHER.

 

[Zeth4500]

Yeah....at 58 I've never met a woman like that either. So I'm not going to say to do that. However I will say not to marry a former sex worker of any sort. From modeling to onlyfans accounts or exotic dancer. (This includes Instagram and Facebook)

What do you and she want to do with this marriage? (Besides having sex) What are you two joining forces to do?
What ministries are you going to perform in your community together?

Both of you each have unique talents and gifts you bring to the table that can work together. Have you and her discussed goals?

Most marriages spend the first year either between the sheets or fighting with little time spent doing anything else. And you both will argue constantly with lots of makeup sex....just to start another argument after sex. But eventually it will even out.

You got your "emotional baggage" you bring into the relationship and so does she.
And where you would like to believe you are angry at her....more often than not you are fighting with the voices in your own head but using her as a ventriloquist dummy of sorts.

Because in truth you know the outcome of what you are about to say to her before you say it. And she is doing the exact same thing with you.

A dirty little secret of mine is that I am a fine dining chef....not much difference between Gordon Ramsay's skills and mine except he is rich and famous and I am not. But....even though I can make absolutely wonderful foods the voices in my head are snarling and scornful about how could I serve a disaster like I am. And occasionally I end up fighting those voices....but using this person in front of me as my ventriloquist's dummy. We ALL are a little odd in some ways.

You can sum it up as saying you two are fighting about control....who has it and where. And peace us only had when neither has control....you both have it together as it benefits you two TOGETHER.

yes i do believe if you can both- (interjection warning) well, im very much against makeup sex as it programs you into seeing conflict as something pleasant and a bonding experience, so you seek out conflict because, now bad is good?! and good becomes bad?
anyhow- if you can both solve conflicts properly, address them, pick out coping mechanisms for each others worst traits or patterns, then it should even out over time
im sure both of us will always have conflict in our lives. we get very well along in terms of goals, we have mature goals. we want to start our own family, have our own house and raise healthy kids

maybe those "voices in your head" is simply your unreleashed anger, so you find a target for it and unleash it. we both experience relief after we have a huge fight and sadly theres not much online on how to release all this evil energy in a healthy manner. i have by just doing the cross nullified road rage same second, but thats just acute anger, where what spirals into arguments seems to go deeper, like bamboo.. we need some emotional dynamite.

we would like to show the world how to have a healthy relationship and break the evil patterns this world is in, to survive the oncoming judgement day, to balance each other out and relieve each other, perhaps- just perhaps, we may be able to help other couples that struggle once we get to a more solid place

 

[JohnDB]

yes i do believe if you can both- (interjection warning) well, im very much against makeup sex as it programs you into seeing conflict as something pleasant and a bonding experience, so you seek out conflict because, now bad is good?! and good becomes bad?
anyhow- if you can both solve conflicts properly, address them, pick out coping mechanisms for each others worst traits or patterns, then it should even out over time
im sure both of us will always have conflict in our lives. we get very well along in terms of goals, we have mature goals. we want to start our own family, have our own house and raise healthy kids

maybe those "voices in your head" is simply your unreleashed anger, so you find a target for it and unleash it. we both experience relief after we have a huge fight and sadly theres not much online on how to release all this evil energy in a healthy manner. i have by just doing the cross nullified road rage same second, but thats just acute anger, where what spirals into arguments seems to go deeper, like bamboo.. we need some emotional dynamite.

we would like to show the world how to have a healthy relationship and break the evil patterns this world is in, to survive the oncoming judgement day, to balance each other out and relieve each other, perhaps- just perhaps, we may be able to help other couples that struggle once we get to a more solid place

Hate is NOT the opposite of love.
Apathy is.

We fight because we care.
And seeking to our own individual interests.

But when you stop being so individual and start becoming more of a "we" and relaxing in that "we" knowing that your spouse will indeed see to your needs without fail...your arguments really evaporate. (Within limitations of course)

If you "need" your wife to cook like I can....ummmm....you have unrealistic and unreasonable expectations.

There's a video out there of a wife who is giddy and jumping up and down in joy every day when her husband comes home.

Most husband's would look at their wife with suspicion and uncomfortable feelings if their wives did that. And likely if they somehow got used to that sort of thing they would instantly grow suspicious if she stopped.

Everyone wants to feel loved and that the "keeper of their secrets" indeed still loves them no matter how many years they have been married. And it requires more than the famous three word sentence.

There is no such thing as instant trust. And it requires renewal on an ongoing basis.

 

[Dennis Gannon]

What was dealbreaker? that they are probably not a Christian. Your situation has red flags. My only advice would be to go slow. It sounds like it won't last, and better to end it now, than after a year or 2 of marriage. While there is a chance it might work, only time will tell. So, don't marry now, stay in a holding pattern for a while and wait on God, and pray, and read your Bible.

 

[Taken]

Hi im, a modern-aged person and im in a partly modern relationship, in an engagement. The people of my generation are extremely difficult.

Her past is hers.
Your past is yours.
Jealously in a romantic relationship is a turn off. Great to be genuinely concerned about the well being of the other, but do not let jealously replace concern.

Did you know today’s “engagement” was historically (Hebrew) called a “betrothal” ?
It was a promise to Wed, and IF the “betrothal” was “broken”, a bill of “divorcement” would be issued from one to the other, and no marriage would take place.
Think long and hard before taking off the RING…It is “supposed” to cut off your “circulation”

Make “traditions”…like a date night regularly…which does not require “going out”. More-so enjoying your home together and fixing food, playing a game..etc…’massages’ !!

Perhaps a regular Bible study, especially preparing for marriage, Gods guidance, His expectations, and agreeing that be each of your own expectations….God First…and TRUST, TRUST, TRUST…in God, in one another…Paramount!
Compliment one another…

“EACH” Give…Take…Willingness to Compromise. Be Helpers one to the other…not MAIDS!

Sense of humor…a Plus, Plus, Plus…Laugh every day and don’t sweat the small stuff…!!!

Daily pray together, that God bless you both, and be thankful when He does.

Just Sharing…

God Bless you and your fiance’.

Glory to God,
Taken

 

[Christian Soldier]

Hi im, a modern-aged person and im in a partly modern relationship, in an engagement. The people of my generation are extremely difficult. I have been in many relationships and terminated many of them and barely had any regrets. I had many relationships because i wasnt always christian, since i became christian i got engaged not too long after and i put my entire life into it. I know everyone will tell me to find the perfect 100% christian woman thats pure virgin and came from an infinitely long bloodline of pure christians that married virgins and never divorced- ive never spoken to such a woman in my life!

Im not trying to garner sympathy, but im feeling very broken as my fiancée last night took off her ring in an heated argument regarding my jealousy-inducing past, she put it back on not too long after but since then ive just felt so broken and empty because its something she has threatened to do before but never really did. Am i over-reacting? I took off my ring later on because i had to think. This morning i felt compelled to put it back on despite i cant get into contact with my fiancée, ive asked god but i dont hear anything. Is this god guiding me?
I know i will get many people simply advising me to break apart entirely, but when i say ive put my life into this relationship i mean it. I have let many things pass under the bridge and we have always been good at compromising and apologizing, we both struggle when we are angered.
I guess im just looking for some kinda input because my brain is absolutely flatlining, especially christian input.

Please move thread if posted incorrectly

I found this resource very helpful, with understanding what it takes to have a successful marriage. It's only a short summary but it covers all the main points.

Marriage and Family | Ligonier Ministries

 

[Wrangler]

Lots of good posts here.

im feeling very broken as my fiancée last night took off her ring in an heated argument regarding my jealousy-inducing past,

Any updates?

I took off my ring later on because i had to think. This morning i felt compelled to put it back on despite i cant get into contact with my fiancée,

IMO, this is a giant red flag!

I think you feel broken because you are broken. Putting the ring back on does not fix the brokenness. It will take time to delve into the motivations and heal, along with prayer and self-discovery, self-acceptance, self-forgiving.

It is not enough for your fiancee to forgive you. You have to KNOW that you have repented of these jealous ways and forgive yourself too. You should love her too much to allow the engagement to continue (or at least delay a wedding date) until these red flags have been rectified to mutual satisfaction.

You can sum it up as saying you two are fighting about control....who has it and where. And peace us only had when neither has control....you both have it together as it benefits you two TOGETHER.

Good point.

Hate is NOT the opposite of love.
Apathy is.

Agred,

Your situation has red flags.

Indeed. @Zeth4500, can I ask how old you are and what is it in your past that drives these fits of jealousy? And what is her past?

For me, I'm 56 and in my 2nd marriage. My wife was married for 22 years to a man who gave her 3 children. She remains a bit more attached to him and his family than I think is good. Not that I'm jealous. I just think she'd be better off not getting so emotionally involved in that families drama. I recognize 22 years + 3 children are ties that bind on some level.

I'll be praying for you.

 

[Zeth4500]

Indeed. @Zeth4500, can I ask how old you are and what is it in your past that drives these fits of jealousy? And what is her past?

For me, I'm 56 and in my 2nd marriage. My wife was married for 22 years to a man who gave her 3 children. She remains a bit more attached to him and his family than I think is good. Not that I'm jealous. I just think she'd be better off not getting so emotionally involved in that families drama. I recognize 22 years + 3 children are ties that bind on some level.

I'll be praying for you.

im 30 shes 25, she had one guy that cheated on her nonstop for 3 years and its my 33rd relationship
women quickly bond especially through sex- but also, through cuddling. anything that releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone. even just by crushing on someone there will be a bond. we both agree that its better to start a family much younger so we are both very ready to have kids soon.

i cant imagine being in a relationship where the ex of the one youre with constantly has to stop by and be friends, sounds like a really stupid curse.
just after a woman has had sex with one single guy, her chances of staying committed in a marriage is down half. from the look of whats going on, it seems the current generation is virtually all going to hell. and their offspring as well, much like the starving parents that gave birth to starving children in africa

sorry, what drives these fits? well naturally that she was cheated on, insecurity- usually from childhood, maybe a bit underdeveloped frontal lobes making emotions run free, and growing out of proportion very fast. its just since last time she had finally realized that asking about my past absolutely doesnt go well where i would previously tell her any detail she could dream up wanting to hear about

prayers are much appreciated, women are very much challenged by evil forces in this modern world.

 

[Wrangler]

women are very much challenged by evil forces in this modern world.

Remember Anakins fall to the Dark Side? Evil does not over power; it seduces. We choose to walk through the door. It looks like pride, ‘you deserve it’ or ‘don’t settle.’

 

[Zeth4500]

Think long and hard before taking off the RING…It is “supposed” to cut off your “circulation”

circulation.. to what?

agree on virtually anything you have said, theres many ways to bond, we are both givers. so thats very natural for us.

as for jealousy, its my first relationship where i have experienced jealousy at all and its only been 2 times, but men and women are very different. she is no doubt a very opposite of me which causes a lot of friction, and sexual attraction. a lot of chemistry. i have been in relationship before where we were too much alike and despite teenage years, and both having high hormones there was just not much between us besides love and friendship

as for compliments i read women prefer physical compliments over, personality or similar compliments, so im going to switch over to complimenting her personality now and see how that goes, i asked her what she prefers and no surprise, she had no idea.

we do pray daily together, but our routine got a bit confused since that event and her bedtime can be quite a mess, frankly its a bit silly timing as oxytocin is a bonding hormone, which makes you very sleepy and that makes it hard to keep a routine when youre already tired. many difficulties in a modern world.