Understanding MPD/DID & SRA/MK

[Shattered]

I'm finished for the night. Thanks to my dear brother in Christ who has been enduring with me, everything is calm and I'm finally ready for bed. Before I go, I wanted to leave something for my brothers and sisters to consider.

1. Writing here is part of the restoration process.
2. I'm writing for the benefit of other survivors of SRA and MKUltra. You wouldn't believe how much discovering that you're not alone in this helps.
3. Two things are shared in common with all of the alters I've come to know: they love the female survivor God brought into my life and some can't believe that she passed away. They are grieving and their pain is unbearable. I have to stand out of the way and let them grieve. I, the host, am at peace with her passing because she's with the Lord now. Our Lord Jesus Christ is known to these alters. They love Him like I love Him, but I'm the only one who understands what a Christian is. They don't.

Good night to all, and may the Lord bless you. :)

 

[Truman]

Brother, If a personal testimony and personal experience won't sway you, what more need be said? Believe what you wish...

Peace, brother. :)

 

[lilygrace]

i never find actual help on some support groups
i felt blamed.
i feel like no one believes me. i dont understand how its so hard to believe.
i never see anyone get comments like i do

i think im a liar and real surivovrs are rebuking me.

 

[TLHKAJ]

i never find actual help on some support groups
i felt blamed.
i feel like no one believes me. i dont understand how its so hard to believe.
i never see anyone get comments like i do

i think im a liar and real surivovrs are rebuking me.

Sis, I believe you. I have no reason not to. And too much of what you have shared falls in line with things I and other survivors have experienced.

You know, all my life, when I would get flashes of things that happened, I'd tell myself, "That's not true! I must've dreamed it, or made it up." And I'd tell myself things to reinforce that denial like, "That can't be true. I've only been outside of Texas twice in my life."

Later, after memories came flooding back with more intensity, and I met alters, I overheard an alter repeating a phrase she was programmed with ..."Believe NOT to believe!" Then I understood how denial was programmed into my system. That phrase had 3 components... 1. To believe your memories is NOT to believe God.
2. Yo believe God is NOT to believe your memories. 3. What I am to believe is NOT to believe my memories, myself, or God.

This denial programming served a purpose of keeping my belief in God separate from my knowledge and belief of my history. So then it made sense why, every time I had a memory come back, I would have a terrible crisis of thinking that I'd believed a lie and God would reject me if I believed my memories. The two couldn't come together ...my knowledge of God and knowledge of my history of SRA/MK. (Knowledge of "good" and "evil" were never to come together. This kept front alters separate from the alters who were being used by the cult.)

This is just one example of how denial can be programmed into a system.

Sis, @lilygrace I have seen you make statements such as, "I'm a liar. I'm evil. I'm a bad daughter. I'm being unforgiving..." (etc) ...I'm praying that God will shine His light into the dark places and show you what you need to know about these beliefs.

Also, you posted a statement that seemed out of place, but it wasn't ...it came from somewhere inside. Who told you that you are an evil generation? Again, I pray God will shine His light to reveal what you need to know about these beliefs.

 

[lilygrace]

it is not shattered's fault but he posted about things. and it reminde dme.
i am evil generation and ungrateful.

 

[lilygrace]

you are accurate in how i feel @TLHKAJ i think that ill stand before God and he will say "see this liar. she is so evil she madeup thngs. she is unforgiving"
im sorry.
i hoep they ban me here
i dont want to bother anyone or torment them
this crisis seems very ongoing. when i was away not many were forward. there was a unspoken thing that seemed to demonize DID stuff. yet someone was forward cos i forgot things about there for awhile.
there was still a lot of denial and contacting me to come back. guilt trips. i gave up my idyllic life for this. and maybe there is something wrong with me. im whacked out that i dont like peace and therefore made stuff up......

 

[TLHKAJ]

it is not shattered's fault but he posted about things. and it reminde dme.
i am evil generation and ungrateful.

I know, sis. Triggers are hard to avoid, especially when (twisted) scripture is so often used in programming to keep alters from believing their own memories. I recognized this in you. I haven't met a survivor yet who wasn't programmed with denial using scripture taken out if context and redefined, or using the concept that "all liars will have their part..." ....and of course, you can't believe your memories because they are "lies."

Sis, take every memory and place it before God and ask Him to hold them and make sense of them. But do your best not to place your memories in the category of "lies." Just place them in His hands. Denial is an enemy to freedom, because you cannot be free until you know the truth. I hope that made sense.

you are accurate in how i feel @TLHKAJ i think that ill stand before God and he will say "see this liar. she is so evil she madeup thngs. she is unforgiving"
im sorry.
i hoep they ban me here
i dont want to bother anyone or torment them

You've not been a bother to me, nor created any torment.

When you come to Christ (as you have), and begin opening up to him, the mind naturally lets go of denial and begins to bring together the broken and shattered pieces. His light illuminates our darkness. It's a difficult process. And it can be very messy because alters are coming forward who hold so much fear. God will help you maneuver through it. Stay with it. The beginning can seem treacherous. But it gets a bit easier as you move forward.

 

[lilygrace]

I know, sis. Triggers are hard to avoid, especially when (twisted) scripture is so often used in programming to keep alters from believing their own memories. I recognized this in you. I haven't met a survivor yet who wasn't programmed with denial using scripture taken out if context and redefined, or using the concept that "all liars will have their part..." ....and of course, you can't believe your memories because they are "lies."

Sis, take every memory and place it before God and ask Him to hold them and make sense of them. But do your best not to place your memories in the category of "lies." Just place them in His hands. Denial is an enemy to freedom, because you cannot be free until you know the truth. I hope that made sense.


You've not been a bother to me, nor created any torment.

When you come to Christ (as you have), and begin opening up to him, the mind naturally lets go of denial and begins to bring together the broken and shattered pieces. His light illuminates our darkness. It's a difficult process. And it can be very messy because alters are coming forward who hold so much fear. God will help you maneuver through it. Stay with it. The beginning can seem treacherous. But it gets a bit easier as you move forward.

thank you.
i am afraid.

 

[TLHKAJ]

thank you.
i am afraid.

You're welcome....*hugs*

Sis, can you identify the cause of the fear, what you're afraid of?

 

[lilygrace]

You're welcome....*hugs*

Sis, can you identify the cause of the fear, what you're afraid of?

finding out i lied and going to hell.

 

[lforrest]

finding out i lied and going to hell.

That would mean everyone goes to hell because everyone has lied. I think rather the scripture is warning about people who are unrepentant and habitual liars. lies themselves are covered by God's grace, but a heart that keeps on lying needs to be repented of. That is why it says liars will take their place, instead of anyone who has told a lie.

 

[TLHKAJ]

finding out i lied and going to hell.

Do you believe God cannot lie? He says that if we ask any good thing, He will give it. He is a good Father who gives good gifts to His children. And you are His child since you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior.

So, as His child, bring every memory to Him and ask Him for His truth and rest, knowing He will do what He said.

I honestly don't see you as a liar. But the nature of dissociation is to be removed from the memories and it's scary to bring those in as "mine" ....my memories.

 

[lilygrace]

I saw this verse today I guess it's God saying he won't lie to David? Been reading psalms when I read.

 

[lilygrace]

Do you believe God cannot lie? He says that if we ask any good thing, He will give it. He is a good Father who gives good gifts to His children. And you are His child since you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior.

So, as His child, bring every memory to Him and ask Him for His truth and rest, knowing He will do what He said.

I honestly don't see you as a liar. But the nature of dissociation is to be removed from the memories and it's scary to bring those in as "mine" ....my memories.

in some posts I appear to mistrust God.
I guess I do believe him at times


Thank you. I'm sorry

 

[TLHKAJ]

in some posts I appear to mistrust God.
I guess I do believe him at times


Thank you. I'm sorry

Well, sis, that's not exactly what I was getting at. And I apologize for coming across that way.

I know you have faith. You have often prayed for me and I have seen the effects of your prayers for me.

I'll explain it this way. We have been programmed since infancy, by extreme trauma, to doubt God. Those doubts and fears are held by alters whose experiences have reinforced and "proven" that no one can be trusted, even God. It doesn't make those alters evil. It just means that they have been so very wounded, that it's difficult to believe otherwise. Their entire life experience has taught them what they feel to be true. I have had these same struggles. When you encounter recurring thoughts and beliefs that bring deep pain, bring those to God and ask Him to expose any lie-based thinking and replace them with His truth. Every human being born needs to have this mind renewal. How much more a victim of intense trauma? You're not faulty... you are completely normal. And God knows your pain.

 

[lilygrace]

Well, sis, that's not exactly what I was getting at. And I apologize for coming across that way.

I know you have faith. You have often prayed for me and I have seen the effects of your prayers for me.

I'll explain it this way. We have been programmed since infancy, by extreme trauma, to doubt God. Those doubts and fears are held by alters whose experiences have reinforced and "proven" that no one can be trusted, even God. It doesn't make those alters evil. It just means that they have been so very wounded, that it's difficult to believe otherwise. Their entire life experience has taught them what they feel to be true. I have had these same struggles. When you encounter recurring thoughts and beliefs that bring deep pain, bring those to God and ask Him to expose any lie-based thinking and replace them with His truth. Every human being born needs to have this mind renewal. How much more a victim of intense trauma? You're not faulty... you are completely normal. And God knows your pain.

You didn't come across in a bad way.
*Hugs* i might have misunderstood though.

Sorry for hogging the thread

 

[TLHKAJ]

You didn't come across in a bad way.
*Hugs* i might have misunderstood though.

Sorry for hogging the thread

You're not hogging.... this thread is for you (and all survivors).

 

[Shattered]

You're not hogging the topic, @lilygrace . :)

The trial continues and I'm witnessing the words of the Lord fulfilled. It will be necessary for me to stand alone and keep walking which is precisely what's happened here where I am, in the manner which His Spirit said it would. My co-workers have been leaving one by one and so now I'm alone. The female survivor left yesterday and this has affected me the most of all.

She's certainly not the first survivor the Lord brought into my life, but she's a close friend and valuable co-worker. The work we do here was simply too much for her to bear and I will miss her energy and the care she devoted to the clients we serve. I won't cease speaking of her to the Lord, for she confided in me and so I know how she suffered and continues to suffer.

Yes, it's good that she left for she was facing great evil but I will miss her all the same. There was a time when the words of the Lord were a terrible burden to bear... I would witness His every word come to pass and there was no shoulder to lean on nor brother to share my burdens with. How many years has it been?

But the Lord strengthens me and so I stop to express songs of thanksgiving and praise to Him, the One who gathered me to Himself. I suffer for only a little while.

 

[lilygrace]

You're not hogging the topic, @lilygrace . :)

The trial continues and I'm witnessing the words of the Lord fulfilled. It will be necessary for me to stand alone and keep walking which is precisely what's happened here where I am, in the manner which His Spirit said it would. My co-workers have been leaving one by one and so now I'm alone. The female survivor left yesterday and this has affected me the most of all.

She's certainly not the first survivor the Lord brought into my life, but she's a close friend and valuable co-worker. The work we do here was simply too much for her to bear and I will miss her energy and the care she devoted to the clients we serve. I won't cease speaking of her to the Lord, for she confided in me and so I know how she suffered and continues to suffer.

Yes, it's good that she left for she was facing great evil but I will miss her all the same. There was a time when the words of the Lord were a terrible burden to bear... I would witness His every word come to pass and there was no shoulder to lean on nor brother to share my burdens with. How many years has it been?

But the Lord strengthens me and so I stop to express songs of thanksgiving and praise to Him, the One who gathered me to Himself. I suffer for only a little while.

I wish we could stop switching so we could respond and understand what is being said
I do not believe we or you are meant to walk this alone. I used to be more level than this . I promise. Not sure what set off the rapid switching. But would give anything to be helpful or not annoying and creepy

 

[TLHKAJ]

I wish we could stop switching so we could respond and understand what is being said
I do not believe we or you are meant to walk this alone. I used to be more level than this . I promise. Not sure what set off the rapid switching. But would give anything to be helpful or not annoying and creepy

Sis, falling apart is part of the process of healing ...remember this verse.

Psalm 51:8
[8]Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice.

It may sound odd to think of God breaking our bones. But when you think of Him as a Physician, it puts me in mind of a doctor who has to rebreak a leg or other bones that had been previously broken, but never healed correctly. In order for complete healing to occur, he has to go in and rebreak those bones and set them straight. That's what's happening when you feel like you're a mess when you used to have it together. This is a normal part of the process.
*hugs*