Understanding MPD/DID & SRA/MK

[Jostler]

That passage reminds me of some things I believe the Lord has witnessed to my heart about the roles He will assign delivered survivors to. Every army has its Special Forces, and the unique (mostly dangerous) jobs they are assigned to do. SF soldiers always endure the harshest, most intense and focused training.
Daniel 11:32 NKJV — “Those who do wickedly against the covenant he shall corrupt with flattery; but the people who know their God shall be strong, and carry out great exploits.

 

[Jostler]

One thing I know, and that is that by the time a ritually abused, programmed. DID survivor gains their freedom, THEY KNOW GOD, to a degree many sitting in pews for decades do not. They have had to fall on the Rock so many times, and be broken so many times, when He comes through for them, they are broken in His hand...shattered again...the right way...by Love. Few will love Him more, few will know the depths of obedience He will work His works through than the survivor. They will be strong ...and do exploits.

 

[lilygrace]

i could relate to the lament. it was beautiful writing.
i believe my mother loves me to some degree but feel rejected and abandoned by her in a sense.

a group leader for my church support group tells me to talk to my mom all the time. i would share in my group that i have been in a depression since october in general. she said she wants to visit me and my mom. i said "why dont we just do something" then i havent heard from her . hmmm
i love my mother but she is rarely capable to deal with stuff.

i will not get any more personal than this..

 

[Jostler]

That was/is a beautifully composed prayer (could also be called a psalm). Thanks for sharing that with us, Shattered)

 

[lilygrace]

this is unrelated to DID but it is related to my situation
something fell through for me in a way that will make things difficult. i suspected something wouldnt work out or would be difficult. but thats okay.... maybe going by instinct but giving things a try anyway isnt always horrible. but its never worked.

 

[lilygrace]

I don't mind sharing here because what I write may be of service to others who are keeping abreast of this topic. If it seems like I have it all together, then let me assure you this is not the case. I'm in the midst of a fiery trial which is engaging a system of alters and driving me, the host personality, mad with despair and rage. Mad, because I've been experiencing co-presence with an alter I wasn't aware of before.

This alter is rage incarnate... how else can I put it? The intensity shakes me and I was not prepared to share space with this alter whose mindless fury exceeds anything I've experienced before. But then my experience has been defined by the Lord and His work so there are many things that I, the presenter personality, know nothing about. Unless the Lord reveals it to me I'm in the dark about it. My awareness of DID and MKULtra are the fruit of His promise. Co-presence is the beginning of knowledge but this trial has taken me to the depths of despair, and then thrust me into rage which burns like fire.

The fire can't be extinguished. He's consumed with despair because my adopted mother passed from this world, and he was ferociously devoted to her. He cannot believe that she's gone and so he's inconsolable. It's tearing my heart to pieces because there's nothing I can do to comfort this alternate personality... I share in his grief because I loved her, too.

i appreciate all you or T has to share...or jostler, to contribute.
i understand in a way how ou feel. different though. i guess. ive been barely able to touch my bible much. things hurt and i feel backwards.
as to the thread i started i have si'd again . the last time i did it (over the weekend) my thought was "why bother to care i already messed up anyway" not a good attitude to have but it happened.

 

[TLHKAJ]

i appreciate all you or T has to share...or jostler, to contribute.
i understand in a way how ou feel. different though. i guess. ive been barely able to touch my bible much. things hurt and i feel backwards.
as to the thread i started i have si'd again . the last time i did it (over the weekend) my thought was "why bother to care i already messed up anyway" not a good attitude to have but it happened.

Hi, @lilygrace ...not being able to pick up your Bible could actually be programming. I have dealt with that, as have many other survivors I know. You've been switching a lot. There could be someone close by who has trouble with God and scripture (for various reasons). One way I found around that while things are difficult, is to have a playlist of scripture reading that I could turn on at night as I went to sleep. You could also make a playlist of scripture songs and listen to that as you sleep. I could post some playlists if you're interested.

 

[lilygrace]

Hi, @lilygrace ...not being able to pick up your Bible could actually be programming. I have dealt with that, as have many other survivors I know. You've been switching a lot. There could be someone close by who has trouble with God and scripture (for various reasons). One way I found around that while things are difficult, is to have a playlist of scripture reading that I could turn on at night as I went to sleep. You could also make a playlist of scripture songs and listen to that as you sleep. I could post some playlists if you're interested.

you might have sent me a pm. it looks like listening to music isnt a problem, since i put on a CD just now. thats not a bad thing.
a lot of people dont understand.
what was nice one time a man that ministered to the mission i was at gave me a tape player and the bible on tapes.

 

[lilygrace]

i woke up with my face and my neck tingling. it feels like a pinched nerve and is on the same side as the lump i have in my neck

 

[TLHKAJ]

i woke up with my face and my neck tingling. it feels like a pinched nerve and is on the same side as the lump i have in my neck

Sis, you need to see a doctor who your mom didn't choose. I can't fathom why a non-cult doctor would look at that and not check into it. He must be cult.

 

[lilygrace]

i cant chew the last couple days i bite my cheek

 

[lilygrace]

i wonder if any cult people work for any social work etc.... other than cps ...which i know is cult a lot.

 

[Jostler]

Lily, survivors so often have to deal with very strange "body" reactions once the Lord begins waking them up to begin understanding what has happened to them. Many discover weird (and mefically serious) allergies to foods they could eat just fine the week before. A.lot of these symptoms, are body memories that are somehow based in past trauma. When the Lord determines it is time to heal those past wounds, the alters that remember the traumas are released (by the Lord) to begin coming forward. When they do, rhe body memories associated with them come forward too.
Lily, if this unusual problem of biting your cheek while eating fis in that category, the Lord knows why its happening....ask Him what is going on. These changes...strange stuff happening, different feelings...that kind of stuff is often an invitation from Him, to draw close to Him and ask Him to explain why its happening....so He can minister to the need behind it and heal it.

 

[Jostler]

I've noticed so many survivors are going through fresh trials lately...triggers everywhere...people being thrown into triggering situations and having to deal with mentally, emotionally and physically distressing situations. At first I was concerned it was a spiritual attack somehow focused on survivors across the board, and I began interceeding...fighting...trying to "stand in the gap" so to speak. But, I feel He has corrected my understanding by saying "I am doing this, this is from Me. It's time.."

 

[Jostler]

I think I'm beginning to understand why He is saying "It's time..." but, for now, id suggest that if you are in a "distressing time - some kind of trial has come on you suddenly, please be very quick to take it to Him, get in His presence and let Him guide you to His solution for it...and take you another step toward healing.

 

[lilygrace]

I think I'm beginning to understand why He is saying "It's time..." but, for now, id suggest that if you are in a "distressing time - some kind of trial has come on you suddenly, please be very quick to take it to Him, get in His presence and let Him guide you to His solution for it...and take you another step toward healing.

what do you mean?

 

[Jostler]

a lot on my mind I'd like to say. I suspect it's "time" for me to begin sharing more openly too...if that is so, He'll give me the right words to say.

 

[Jostler]

I have been very, very encouraged to see the open exchanges that have taken place in this thread over the past week, because a long time ago, the Lord witnessed to my heart that one of His primary tools in ministering life, health, healing and love to survivors, would be using survivors to minister TO other survivors. I believe we are beginning to see that very thing in a more focused and intent way....thank You Lord Jesus!

 

[Jostler]

what do you mean?

Sis, I am not trying to be mysterious...I will explain why I think "it's time" (its important). But I need some time to work out the right ways to say what is on my heart. My big concern is being able to say what is on my heart in ways that ENCOURAGE. You can say the right things....the truth, and say it the wrong way and discourage someone
...I want to avoid being hasty...and accidentally discourage someone when my heart's desire is to strengthen and encourage. It's easy to do, especially with survivors who are virtually ALL progrmmed to feel discouraged if anyone speaks of things we can do better or perceive in different ways than we now understand. Give me some time to work with Him myself. Make sure I know not only what He wants brought up...but also the right ways to say it. He has called me to this little portion of His end times harvest field. He has placed a love in my Heart for survivors.....I don't want to mess that up by carelessly saying anything that would sound discouraging to these precious ones HIS Heart is intently focused on encouraging.

 

[Jostler]

one thing I want to share is a very strong witness on my heart, that He has brought a number of survivors to this forum we have not met yet. Many have never posted a single word on this forum at all, but He brought them here...they are watching. Some don't even know they are DID yet. We (I) am particularly aware of trying to be very careful with those He is just beginning to introduce to His path and process for freedom. There are lots of reasons for silent observation....trust is a huge issue, and trust takes time and observation. And a bit of revelation from the Lord...which He provides. :)