Hi there,
So it doesn't seem to matter how I settle, how I find rest, I always seem to have schizophrenia. I think part of the problem, is that I am trying to purge myself, when really I should be coming under the Lord's yoke - whether I have a little schizophrenia or a lot. Can you see this? I mean I've had it for decades, and I've never felt "yes, this is the point at which I can let go". I don't think my schizophrenia is degenerate anymore, but it seems to hold sway over my doubts, even when I have nothing to doubt. I don't know if you've been through this, and you know where I am making a wrong turn - I tried being disgusted by my schizophrenia, all I got was more wayward self-satisfaction. You would think I could find some rest in meditation, but as it happens, the schizophrenia seems to be there, no matter what state of rest I am (how deep).
I think - having said all this - is that what I need to be doing, is committing to a simpler form of communication, that I set out to be very simplistic about what I think schizophrenia means and how I deal with it. I don't do things to deliberate be obtuse, but with the sleepy mind that I have, it always seems to come around to a point that I need to explain (and explain more). The right balance is what is needed, from now to the end. If I do this, I get the feeling that schizophrenia is not something you rush in to. In other words, it will always be a struggle to understand what I should be thinking (or doing). Maybe that's a Godsend, maybe the more I am at peace with that, the more I will be at peace with my God (and at peace with my Evolution? In God?). There's a reason to talk through things like this, sometimes the most obvious thing is to just say our peace!
It would be remiss of me, in all this, if I did not ask for prayer. I have believing parents, and it has been a struggle not to let my schizophrenia reflect on them badly. They have never uttered even one scripture or one prayer that I get well - whether that is to their credit or not, I don't know. The thing is, that I don't think it is possible for me to be in this state, without someone in the faith praying something. I would like that prayer - in fact I am going to do something for you too: I am going to pray for you, that you never get a condition you don't understand or live with (coming from a schizophrenic, that should hold some power, shouldn't it?). A soft heart is what I need, somehow getting without thinking about it too much, is the challenge?
I feel God's power working already, I don't regret having posted all this. I hope it has even been some encouragement.
God bless.
So it doesn't seem to matter how I settle, how I find rest, I always seem to have schizophrenia. I think part of the problem, is that I am trying to purge myself, when really I should be coming under the Lord's yoke - whether I have a little schizophrenia or a lot. Can you see this? I mean I've had it for decades, and I've never felt "yes, this is the point at which I can let go". I don't think my schizophrenia is degenerate anymore, but it seems to hold sway over my doubts, even when I have nothing to doubt. I don't know if you've been through this, and you know where I am making a wrong turn - I tried being disgusted by my schizophrenia, all I got was more wayward self-satisfaction. You would think I could find some rest in meditation, but as it happens, the schizophrenia seems to be there, no matter what state of rest I am (how deep).
I think - having said all this - is that what I need to be doing, is committing to a simpler form of communication, that I set out to be very simplistic about what I think schizophrenia means and how I deal with it. I don't do things to deliberate be obtuse, but with the sleepy mind that I have, it always seems to come around to a point that I need to explain (and explain more). The right balance is what is needed, from now to the end. If I do this, I get the feeling that schizophrenia is not something you rush in to. In other words, it will always be a struggle to understand what I should be thinking (or doing). Maybe that's a Godsend, maybe the more I am at peace with that, the more I will be at peace with my God (and at peace with my Evolution? In God?). There's a reason to talk through things like this, sometimes the most obvious thing is to just say our peace!
It would be remiss of me, in all this, if I did not ask for prayer. I have believing parents, and it has been a struggle not to let my schizophrenia reflect on them badly. They have never uttered even one scripture or one prayer that I get well - whether that is to their credit or not, I don't know. The thing is, that I don't think it is possible for me to be in this state, without someone in the faith praying something. I would like that prayer - in fact I am going to do something for you too: I am going to pray for you, that you never get a condition you don't understand or live with (coming from a schizophrenic, that should hold some power, shouldn't it?). A soft heart is what I need, somehow getting without thinking about it too much, is the challenge?
I feel God's power working already, I don't regret having posted all this. I hope it has even been some encouragement.
God bless.
In Jesus mighty name!
