I'll start at the waaaaaay beginning.
It all started when I was born
A cliche way to start but tis' true. The start to my life wasn't normal, some may even say dramatic. I was born in Moscow Russia (I don't speak a word of Russian though, I wish I did). I don't know my birth mom or dad or any of my biological siblings (if I have any) or family. My mom left me in the hospital and ran away. Yup. She pushed me out and left. I have no idea how she could have run away after just given birth but wow! I can kind of see how I resemble her in my...craziness I guess you could call it? Whether it was crazy love or just plain crazy I have both.
I was tossed in an orphanage and adopted at ten months old by a nice american couple. My upbringing was very lavish I guess you could say since they were quite well off.
I have bad feet but I can walk and it is all thanks to my parents. I say parents even though they are my adopted parents because they are the only parents I know. So from here on out they will be known as just parents.
I was born with a clubbed foot as a preemie, which means it was de-formed. My parents had it corrected with surgery but even with the surgery my feet are still a little weird. But the good thing is I can walk.
How I met Jesus
I was raised in the catholic church and up until about age 7 I saw church as a place where you went to be quiet and if I was good I got McDonalds.
Well my parents sent me to camp for a week. It was a religious camp. I looked at the schedule and I saw we had chapel twice a day. I inwardly groaned. I pictured old men in robes doing a processional down an isle carrying a decorative cross. I tried to have a positve attitude and figured I could have fun in between.
Chapel rolled around and I remeber my counselor happily marching along singing, "I'm excited for chapel, for chapel for chapel!"
I looked at her like she had two heads. I thought she was nuts. Why would anyone be excited about being quiet for an hour?
As we approached the chapel building I could hear screaming from the inside. In my 7 year old mind I thought an animal from the science center (which was all the way across camp) had gotten into the chapel. I wasn't exactly the brightest kid. I was actually pretty obnoxous.
Anyways we walked in and everyone was dancing and singing to an upbeat happy worship song; a big contrast to the dreary hymes I was used to.
I looked up at my counselor and asked, "Are you sure this is church?"
"Yeah," she replied.
I jumped in and had fun. Then the preacher came up. Oh great, I thought. A boring guy is gonna talk now.
He was far from boring. He helped me understand Jesus in a way I had never understood him before. It was the best thing ever.
As the week progressed I saw how the counselors treated each other and how they treated me. It was so different. I wanted to be just like them. So I prayed to God to have what they had.
Bye Catholics
When I was about 14 I began questioning the Catholic church. I saw some inconsistencies with their beliefs and the Bible. So I left.
I began attending a local mega-church. Although my parents were not happy with my choice they agreed to drive me.
High school
High school was the worst time of my life. I'm not going to go into detail but I was severely abused by teachers and students. I went to the church for help but they dismissed me as being dramatic. I went to my family but they dismissed me and my parents went to the teachers but the teachers told them I was being dramatic.
I was angry and confused as ever. The church told me things like:
"This is happening for a reason."
"God is testing you."
"You have sin in your life."
"We live in a fallen world."
I was so angry at God and so confused and angry with myself because I felt like I had failed him so miserably. I also felt like I had failed my parents because the church also told me that their salvation depended on me because I was the only true believer in the house and that I was to lead by example and if I didn't they would go to hell. Keep in mind I was being abused at the time.
I was seeing a therapist at the time and he was no help what so ever. He just told me to listen to my parents and to clean my room every session.
Because of that school I developed PTSD.
College
College was much better. I made a very good friend who encouraged me to fire my therapist and get into better Christian counseling. So I did. The PTSD was a nightmare though. It has taken years to get to where I am now.
Anyways I did pretty good in college at first but then things went downhill.
ICOC
I got swept into a club called International Church of Christ. It was an on campus club. I tried to open up to them about what happened but they didn't believe me but they did welcome me and made me feel accepted. So I stayed. They encouraged me to leave the mega church I was attending so I did. I went to their church for a while.
They always wanted to do Bible studies with me and the last Bible study I went to with them was the worst. They sat me down in a group of girls and had me write a list of my deepest darkest sins and read it aloud. Then they went into the complete medical account of Jesus's death on the cross in EXTREMELY graphic inappropriate detail referencing inappropriate body parts. I was in tears at this point and then the icing on the cake was when the leader said, "Your sins put him on the cross."
I left and never went back.
CRU
There was another campus club called Campus Crusade For Christ (CRU). A severely autistic girl went there and they treated her horribly. The saddest part is that she has no idea they treat her bad because she is so used to poor treatment. I tried to speak up for her and talk to the leaders but they told me to be quiet so I left.
They invited me back and it was a bad time for me because my PTSD was acting up. I tried to explain to them what PTSD was and that I couldn't just get over it. I tried to nicely ask them to avoid doing certain things to help me. They didn't listen. It got so hurtful I had to ask them if we could set Jesus aside for the moment. He had become a very dangerous and intimidating and scary figure that I could not cope with. They got VERY offended and cried persecution so I left. Oh and also they were still mistreating the autistic girl and I still tried to get them to stop but they wouldn't.
Greenhouse
I. felt. hopeless. I had no church. I was absolutely scared of God and ashamed. One day I was sitting in the starbucks at my college working on homework when I heard a group of people talking about the story of the mustard seed. I was so angry. I wanted to say something. I wanted to throw down my books and make some sort of scene. But something was tugging at my spirit. "talk to them," it said.
I tried to fight it but it kept pressing me. I finally gave in and turned and tapped a girl with black curly hair on the shoulder and said, "are you talking about Jesus?"
"yeah," she said.
"Can I join?" I asked.
"yeah," she replied.
So I sat down and blurted out my whole story to them. They politely listened. It was the best decision I had ever made. I am still part of them and they have helped me so much.
Equip to heal
Through Greenhouse I went to a conference called equip to heal and I received a lot of healing there. I felt able to approach Jesus for the first time in years and it felt so good. It was like a big spiritual hug.
Edgar
During this time I found a very nice boy named Edgar. We dated for about two years. He was my first nice, safe boyfriend since high school. He helped me a lot with my PTSD and the healing process. I will always be grateful to him.
Sadly things ended with him. His family didn't like me at all. There were cultural differences and he felt as if he had to choose.
It was a messy bitter ending and we were both angry at first but then we reconciled and are still friends to this day.
Dating sites
After Edgar I hopped on some dating sites. That was interesting. I met some very nice and not so nice guys on there. They all had something in common though: they were all very much hurt; even the mean ones.
I met my current boyfriend on Tinder. No, he is not a Christian and I will tell you why: the Christians I have met don't like me. I am very bitter towards the church. They hurt me so deeply and every single Christian (except Edgar) I tried to date turned out to be a complete snob. My heart could not take any more so I decided to date non Christians and I feel it was the right choice.
Dating a non christian has taught me a lot. It has taught me how to give others "the Jesus experience" because I can practice on him. He is the nicest guy you could ever meet. Yeah I have met him in person. He lives in a different state than I do but I went to see him and I was not dissapointed.
Stuff I learned
I learned that Christians can learn a lot from non christians. Non christians are really good at acceptance. I feel like the church needs more of that. Non Christians don't give a rip about who you date, or how you look, or how you act. They're cool with you if you're cool with them. I feel like Christians could do better. We could be cool with others even if they are not cool with us. Sadly this is not the case. Many times Christians only use non christians as a means to an end; to say "Oh look who I converted!"
Why can't we be like non christians and have conversation for the sake of having conversation? I feel like most of the time when I talk to Christians I get lectured. Can't we just chill and talk about music or how we have been? Although I will admit it has gotten better since Greenhouse.
I think that is all for now. I'll let you know if I think of more.
Thanks for reading. :-)
It all started when I was born
A cliche way to start but tis' true. The start to my life wasn't normal, some may even say dramatic. I was born in Moscow Russia (I don't speak a word of Russian though, I wish I did). I don't know my birth mom or dad or any of my biological siblings (if I have any) or family. My mom left me in the hospital and ran away. Yup. She pushed me out and left. I have no idea how she could have run away after just given birth but wow! I can kind of see how I resemble her in my...craziness I guess you could call it? Whether it was crazy love or just plain crazy I have both.
I was tossed in an orphanage and adopted at ten months old by a nice american couple. My upbringing was very lavish I guess you could say since they were quite well off.
I have bad feet but I can walk and it is all thanks to my parents. I say parents even though they are my adopted parents because they are the only parents I know. So from here on out they will be known as just parents.
I was born with a clubbed foot as a preemie, which means it was de-formed. My parents had it corrected with surgery but even with the surgery my feet are still a little weird. But the good thing is I can walk.
How I met Jesus
I was raised in the catholic church and up until about age 7 I saw church as a place where you went to be quiet and if I was good I got McDonalds.
Well my parents sent me to camp for a week. It was a religious camp. I looked at the schedule and I saw we had chapel twice a day. I inwardly groaned. I pictured old men in robes doing a processional down an isle carrying a decorative cross. I tried to have a positve attitude and figured I could have fun in between.
Chapel rolled around and I remeber my counselor happily marching along singing, "I'm excited for chapel, for chapel for chapel!"
I looked at her like she had two heads. I thought she was nuts. Why would anyone be excited about being quiet for an hour?
As we approached the chapel building I could hear screaming from the inside. In my 7 year old mind I thought an animal from the science center (which was all the way across camp) had gotten into the chapel. I wasn't exactly the brightest kid. I was actually pretty obnoxous.
Anyways we walked in and everyone was dancing and singing to an upbeat happy worship song; a big contrast to the dreary hymes I was used to.
I looked up at my counselor and asked, "Are you sure this is church?"
"Yeah," she replied.
I jumped in and had fun. Then the preacher came up. Oh great, I thought. A boring guy is gonna talk now.
He was far from boring. He helped me understand Jesus in a way I had never understood him before. It was the best thing ever.
As the week progressed I saw how the counselors treated each other and how they treated me. It was so different. I wanted to be just like them. So I prayed to God to have what they had.
Bye Catholics
When I was about 14 I began questioning the Catholic church. I saw some inconsistencies with their beliefs and the Bible. So I left.
I began attending a local mega-church. Although my parents were not happy with my choice they agreed to drive me.
High school
High school was the worst time of my life. I'm not going to go into detail but I was severely abused by teachers and students. I went to the church for help but they dismissed me as being dramatic. I went to my family but they dismissed me and my parents went to the teachers but the teachers told them I was being dramatic.
I was angry and confused as ever. The church told me things like:
"This is happening for a reason."
"God is testing you."
"You have sin in your life."
"We live in a fallen world."
I was so angry at God and so confused and angry with myself because I felt like I had failed him so miserably. I also felt like I had failed my parents because the church also told me that their salvation depended on me because I was the only true believer in the house and that I was to lead by example and if I didn't they would go to hell. Keep in mind I was being abused at the time.
I was seeing a therapist at the time and he was no help what so ever. He just told me to listen to my parents and to clean my room every session.
Because of that school I developed PTSD.
College
College was much better. I made a very good friend who encouraged me to fire my therapist and get into better Christian counseling. So I did. The PTSD was a nightmare though. It has taken years to get to where I am now.
Anyways I did pretty good in college at first but then things went downhill.
ICOC
I got swept into a club called International Church of Christ. It was an on campus club. I tried to open up to them about what happened but they didn't believe me but they did welcome me and made me feel accepted. So I stayed. They encouraged me to leave the mega church I was attending so I did. I went to their church for a while.
They always wanted to do Bible studies with me and the last Bible study I went to with them was the worst. They sat me down in a group of girls and had me write a list of my deepest darkest sins and read it aloud. Then they went into the complete medical account of Jesus's death on the cross in EXTREMELY graphic inappropriate detail referencing inappropriate body parts. I was in tears at this point and then the icing on the cake was when the leader said, "Your sins put him on the cross."
I left and never went back.
CRU
There was another campus club called Campus Crusade For Christ (CRU). A severely autistic girl went there and they treated her horribly. The saddest part is that she has no idea they treat her bad because she is so used to poor treatment. I tried to speak up for her and talk to the leaders but they told me to be quiet so I left.
They invited me back and it was a bad time for me because my PTSD was acting up. I tried to explain to them what PTSD was and that I couldn't just get over it. I tried to nicely ask them to avoid doing certain things to help me. They didn't listen. It got so hurtful I had to ask them if we could set Jesus aside for the moment. He had become a very dangerous and intimidating and scary figure that I could not cope with. They got VERY offended and cried persecution so I left. Oh and also they were still mistreating the autistic girl and I still tried to get them to stop but they wouldn't.
Greenhouse
I. felt. hopeless. I had no church. I was absolutely scared of God and ashamed. One day I was sitting in the starbucks at my college working on homework when I heard a group of people talking about the story of the mustard seed. I was so angry. I wanted to say something. I wanted to throw down my books and make some sort of scene. But something was tugging at my spirit. "talk to them," it said.
I tried to fight it but it kept pressing me. I finally gave in and turned and tapped a girl with black curly hair on the shoulder and said, "are you talking about Jesus?"
"yeah," she said.
"Can I join?" I asked.
"yeah," she replied.
So I sat down and blurted out my whole story to them. They politely listened. It was the best decision I had ever made. I am still part of them and they have helped me so much.
Equip to heal
Through Greenhouse I went to a conference called equip to heal and I received a lot of healing there. I felt able to approach Jesus for the first time in years and it felt so good. It was like a big spiritual hug.
Edgar
During this time I found a very nice boy named Edgar. We dated for about two years. He was my first nice, safe boyfriend since high school. He helped me a lot with my PTSD and the healing process. I will always be grateful to him.
Sadly things ended with him. His family didn't like me at all. There were cultural differences and he felt as if he had to choose.
It was a messy bitter ending and we were both angry at first but then we reconciled and are still friends to this day.
Dating sites
After Edgar I hopped on some dating sites. That was interesting. I met some very nice and not so nice guys on there. They all had something in common though: they were all very much hurt; even the mean ones.
I met my current boyfriend on Tinder. No, he is not a Christian and I will tell you why: the Christians I have met don't like me. I am very bitter towards the church. They hurt me so deeply and every single Christian (except Edgar) I tried to date turned out to be a complete snob. My heart could not take any more so I decided to date non Christians and I feel it was the right choice.
Dating a non christian has taught me a lot. It has taught me how to give others "the Jesus experience" because I can practice on him. He is the nicest guy you could ever meet. Yeah I have met him in person. He lives in a different state than I do but I went to see him and I was not dissapointed.
Stuff I learned
I learned that Christians can learn a lot from non christians. Non christians are really good at acceptance. I feel like the church needs more of that. Non Christians don't give a rip about who you date, or how you look, or how you act. They're cool with you if you're cool with them. I feel like Christians could do better. We could be cool with others even if they are not cool with us. Sadly this is not the case. Many times Christians only use non christians as a means to an end; to say "Oh look who I converted!"
Why can't we be like non christians and have conversation for the sake of having conversation? I feel like most of the time when I talk to Christians I get lectured. Can't we just chill and talk about music or how we have been? Although I will admit it has gotten better since Greenhouse.
I think that is all for now. I'll let you know if I think of more.
Thanks for reading. :-)
