Prodigal Sister: 16 Years Not Yet Returned

[Wrangler]

Not sure what sub forum this should go in. Today my sister reached out to me for the first time in 16 years (email). Not quite like the humbled prodigal son though.

Without going into all the details, the email was a 4-paragraph hot mess. Positive memories and hopes interspersed with emotional purging, topping from the bottom manipulation, couching things as though she is the victim and I need to respect boundaries when the opposite is the case, claims of being better at emotional control (while showing she's not) and admitting being in therapy for years. She continues to demonstrate no ability or willingness to admit wrong doing or take responsibility for her role in the state of the relationship.

Repeatedly, she stated she doesn't know what happened between us. (I know.)

I feel that I should reply. Also, I feel the shorter the reply the better, the less negativity it will contain. For my part, I really don't want anyone in my life who practices one-way-ship, unable or willing to take responsibility for her emotions or the relationship she has with others. In short, she does not appear to have changed one little bit. (Oh, in the past before I let the relationship go 16 years ago, she sent me several such emails expressing hope of a better relationship, seeing things differently, wanting to reconnect and share her new insights but they went nowhere. So, I can't get all excited this email contains genuine reconciliation intent - just more virtue signaling). Thoughts?

 

[Wrangler]

@Debp, @Ritajanice,@BarneyFife, @Wynona

 

[Debp]

Not sure what sub forum this should go in. Today my sister reached out to me for the first time in 16 years (email). Not quite like the humbled prodigal son though.

Without going into all the details, the email was a 4-paragraph hot mess. Positive memories and hopes interspersed with emotional purging, topping from the bottom manipulation, couching things as though she is the victim and I need to respect boundaries when the opposite is the case, claims of being better at emotional control (while showing she's not) and admitting being in therapy for years. She continues to demonstrate no ability or willingness to admit wrong doing or take responsibility for her role in the state of the relationship.

Repeatedly, she stated she doesn't know what happened between us. (I know.)

I feel that I should reply. Also, I feel the shorter the reply the better, the less negativity it will contain. For my part, I really don't want anyone in my life who practices one-way-ship, unable or willing to take responsibility for her emotions or the relationship she has with others. In short, she does not appear to have changed one little bit. (Oh, in the past before I let the relationship go 16 years ago, she sent me several such emails expressing hope of a better relationship, seeing things differently, wanting to reconnect and share her new insights but they went nowhere. So, I can't get all excited this email contains genuine reconciliation intent - just more virtue signaling). Thoughts?

I wonder what would happen if you invited her to church? Does she say she believes in the Lord?

 

[Wrangler]

I wonder what would happen if you invited her to church? Does she say she believes in the Lord?

<sigh> I moved out of state decades ago.

Worse, she is a Wiccan. I believe she’s brought a demon or 2 into our family. She’s rejected Christ decades ago and lives a a polygamous marriage.

 

[Wrangler]

Wow.

what do you think MA?

 

[Ritajanice]

Brother, I can’t offer any advice, as I have been estranged from my Brothers for many, many years, we even pass each other in the street ( one of them) .....all I can do do is pray for you and that God can reconcile this broken relationship back to you, if its his will.

She said she doesn’t know what happened between you both.....

I must admit, I too wouldn’t want a one way relationship....” again” ...effort must come from both sides.....

If she’s in denial about her part , in why the relationship broke down....where can it go, ?

The first thing I would think to reconcile back...is , your Sister come before you with an open and honest heart......that’s what I did with my estranged eldest Son......acknowledging all of my wrong doings. In our past relationship...@Wrangler .....unfortunately, he couldn’t admit to his wrongdoings.....I have no idea why some can’t do this.....

Short commentary.

Why does God remove family members from your life?
God wants you to have connections that bless you and add to you, not ones that drain you. God will remove people from you to save you from their influence. When God is removing a person, He is oftentimes removing the demons behind that person

@Wrangler

 

[Wrangler]

The first thing I would think to reconcile back...is , your Sister come before you with an open and honest heart......that’s what I did with my estranged eldest Son......acknowledging all of my wrong doings. In our past relationship...@Wrangler .....unfortunately, he couldn’t admit to his wrongdoings.....I have no idea why some can’t do this.....

Ego.

Reconciliation is only possible through atonement, which includes admitting wrong doing. My sister cannot do this. Her email included no healing words confessing or willingness to act to improve things, not even apologize. If she never did anything wrong, she has nothing to apologize for, right?

In fact, I just shared her email with a close friend. His take is that her email was overall good but threw jabs at me throughout. After 16 years, she cannot help but attack me still. One way she did this is telling me how I feel. I'm actually able to determine how I feel without being told by someone who has not been in my life for 16 years. <sigh>

The more I think of it, the more I realize she recognizes that I was a great brother to her and she was a crappy sister to me. Some people are toxic, narcissistic and just drain you. It's not for nothing that I let the relationship go.

 

[Wrangler]

If she’s in denial about her part , in why the relationship broke down....where can it go, ?

No where good. Only repeat the toxic dynamic.

 

[Ritajanice]

No where good. Only repeat the toxic dynamic.

Exactly!.

 

[Wrangler]

I had a nice convo with @BarneyFife. In listening to a wonderful vid he provided, the Holy Spirit came to me. The message was shorten my reply and emphasize forgiveness first. Also emphasize acceptance and reconciliation.

'Ol Barn reminded me that God is big on reconciliation. Hopefully, my reply will be received in the spirit the message was sent.

 

[BarneyFife]

I had a nice convo with @BarneyFife. In listening to a wonderful vid he provided, the Holy Spirit came to me. The message was shorten my reply and emphasize forgiveness first. Also emphasize acceptance and reconciliation.

'Ol Barn reminded me that God is big on reconciliation. Hopefully, my reply will be received in the spirit the message was sent.

Folks who are game to take on the business of forgiveness and reconciliation (read: The Gospel Work) will find plenty of work for their hands and hearts. But it's honest, rewarding work. And it's like a well springing up into everlasting life.

And @Wrangler is a soldier under the blood-stained banner of Prince Emmanuel!

:)

 

[Windmill Charge]

I feel that I should reply. Also, I feel the shorter the reply the better, the less negativity it will contain. For my part, I really don't want anyone in my life who practices one-way-ship, unable or willing to take responsibility for her emotions or the relationship she has with others.

My suggestion would be a simple reply along the lines of:-

Dear Sister,
You say you do not know why our relationship broke down, yet you strongly imply it was all my doing.
I am willing to re enter a relationship but only one where truth, honesty and loving kindness rule.

If you are willing to take responsibility for your actions we can start to rebuild a relationship.
While I wait for your response I pray that you will come to know Jesus as your Lord and Saviour.

yours etc etc

Just a suggestion.

 

[Wrangler]

strongly imply it was all my doing.

Before our estrangement she expressed such contempt and denial for me holding her accountable for her implications, saying I am reading into things that aren’t there.

 

[Wrangler]

UPDATE: She replied. It was not good. Among the absurdities:

1. Refusal to forgive.
2. Refusing to admit wrong doing.
3. Stating a "truce" was not warranted. (It is her war against me that is unwarranted)
4. Picking a fight
5. Antagonizing me
6. Demanding I explain myself to her AS IF she is my judge, jury and executioner, reserving the "right" to continue to withhold unforgiveness over me.
7. Inventing a humiliating approval process to grant my request for photos.
8. Virtue signaling

Somebody said her being a demoniac one can expect nothing less. <sigh> I told her that when she is able to forgive me, to feel free to reach out again.

 

[TLHKAJ]

UPDATE: She replied. It was not good. Among the absurdities:

1. Refusal to forgive.
2. Refusing to admit wrong doing.
3. Stating a "truce" was not warranted. (It is her war against me that is unwarranted)
4. Picking a fight
5. Antagonizing me
6. Demanding I explain myself to her AS IF she is my judge, jury and executioner, reserving the "right" to continue to withhold unforgiveness over me.
7. Inventing a humiliating approval process to grant my request for photos.
8. Virtue signaling

Somebody said her being a demoniac one can expect nothing less. <sigh> I told her that when she is able to forgive me, to feel free to reach out again.

As she is an unbeliever, it is you who should offer grace and show her Christlike love. Let your light so shine before men that they will see your good works and glorify the Father which is in heaven.

Were you/siblings raised in a Christian home? She went into wicca ....why? She needs to see something in the Christians around her that is different, else she will continue to reject that "Christianity."

 

[TLHKAJ]

I would be willing to bet ....if I were a betting person ...that she contacted you after all these years in hopes that she would find some answers and truth in your faith. I understand it isn't easy, but you need to remove yourself from your own bitterness to meet her in her pain. There is pain here.

She contacted you looking for some resolution. Set aside your "stuff" and ask her ... "Sis, I care about you. What's going on in your heart?" And then be willing to hear her ...even if her perspective is skewed in some places. (I have had to do this, while the other person was sharing things from their perspective ...and ask God to show me how to proceed without messing up the opportunity for resolution by projecting my hurt onto them.) And in the midst of her sharing, there are very likely some things God will show you where your actions were not in alignment with His heart. (None of us are perfect.)

 

[Wrangler]

As she is an unbeliever, it is you who should offer grace and show her Christlike love.

Yes. I did. I shared the whole story over a cigar last night with my surrogate son. He was impressed at how much grace I extended to her right off the bat and he was troubled that she did not take it. :-(

Were you/siblings raised in a Christian home?

We were raised Catholics.

She went into wicca ....why?

I cannot provide a satisfactory answer but it is a good question. She argues there is a big difference between what it is from what closed-minded, backwards thinking Christians think about it.

According to her, it is a religion that lacks a moral code but focus on the branch of philosophy known as aesthetics. What smells and vibrations agree with you, relax you, etc.

She needs to see something in the Christians around her that is different, else she will continue to reject that "Christianity."

Perhaps this even will give her that something.

 

[Pearl]

Not sure what sub forum this should go in. Today my sister reached out to me for the first time in 16 years (email). Not quite like the humbled prodigal son though.

Without going into all the details, the email was a 4-paragraph hot mess. Positive memories and hopes interspersed with emotional purging, topping from the bottom manipulation, couching things as though she is the victim and I need to respect boundaries when the opposite is the case, claims of being better at emotional control (while showing she's not) and admitting being in therapy for years. She continues to demonstrate no ability or willingness to admit wrong doing or take responsibility for her role in the state of the relationship.

Repeatedly, she stated she doesn't know what happened between us. (I know.)

I feel that I should reply. Also, I feel the shorter the reply the better, the less negativity it will contain. For my part, I really don't want anyone in my life who practices one-way-ship, unable or willing to take responsibility for her emotions or the relationship she has with others. In short, she does not appear to have changed one little bit. (Oh, in the past before I let the relationship go 16 years ago, she sent me several such emails expressing hope of a better relationship, seeing things differently, wanting to reconnect and share her new insights but they went nowhere. So, I can't get all excited this email contains genuine reconciliation intent - just more virtue signaling). Thoughts?

The passage in Ecclesiastes 3 came to my mind - A time for everything. Is this the right time to reconcile? Can you forgive her? I think that will be something you need to do if you haven't already.

 

[Wrangler]

The passage in Ecclesiastes 3 came to my mind - A time for everything. Is this the right time to reconcile? Can you forgive her? I think that will be something you need to do if you haven't already.

First words in my reply. Then I asked if she forgives me. Big problem.

 

[Behold]

Not sure what sub forum this should go in. Today my sister reached out to me for the first time in 16 years (email). Not quite like the humbled prodigal son though.

Without going into all the details, the email was a 4-paragraph hot mess. Positive memories and hopes interspersed with emotional purging, topping from the bottom manipulation, couching things as though she is the victim and I need to respect boundaries when the opposite is the case, claims of being better at emotional control (while showing she's not) and admitting being in therapy for years. She continues to demonstrate no ability or willingness to admit wrong doing or take responsibility for her role in the state of the relationship.

Repeatedly, she stated she doesn't know what happened between us. (I know.)

I feel that I should reply. Also, I feel the shorter the reply the better, the less negativity it will contain. For my part, I really don't want anyone in my life who practices one-way-ship, unable or willing to take responsibility for her emotions or the relationship she has with others. In short, she does not appear to have changed one little bit. (Oh, in the past before I let the relationship go 16 years ago, she sent me several such emails expressing hope of a better relationship, seeing things differently, wanting to reconnect and share her new insights but they went nowhere. So, I can't get all excited this email contains genuine reconciliation intent - just more virtue signaling). Thoughts

Dont judge, and this can be difficult when the feelings are hot and the memories are full of stings and triggers.
So, Just be patient and kind, and helpful.
God does not expect us to be anyone's door-mat......but He does expect us to realize that if not for His Grace, then "so goeth we", or worse.