So...I've come to realize the real reason I was so worried about the intrusive thoughts was that I was so obsessed over "debunking" any notion that I would ever want or like such thoughts that I ended up trying to reason away any doubts about that logically, which is really just ruminating over what the thoughts might mean about me despite trying to just accept that unwanted thoughts happen and there's nothing that can be done about that. In trying so hard to disprove that I could have ever wanted such things, I ignored what i knew in my heart all along: I know such things are wrong and I would never want to let that run through my head.
I was so obsessed I ended up having scenarios run through my head of me thinking them on purpose, and my fear interpreted that as real, and my obsession with proving I wasn't a "thought criminal", if you will, even in principle made me ignore how much I hated all of it to it's core...this is something i will need to repent for, so please pray both that I'll overcome that and that I'll learn to accept these thoughts as just the mental static they are.
I was so obsessed I ended up having scenarios run through my head of me thinking them on purpose, and my fear interpreted that as real, and my obsession with proving I wasn't a "thought criminal", if you will, even in principle made me ignore how much I hated all of it to it's core...this is something i will need to repent for, so please pray both that I'll overcome that and that I'll learn to accept these thoughts as just the mental static they are.