stunnedbygrace
Well-Known Member
What happens to you when you are baptized into Christ?
Much love!
Into?
When I received a down payment of the Holy Spirit, I was given to see the Spirit of Jesus’ words, and I understood that the kingdom of God was in me, and that it is what comes out of me that defiles me. I understood whatever is not of trust in God and what He has said is sin. I took that very seriously when I saw I was not trusting but instead worrying. I believed Him that anger is to have already murdered. I actually believe Him about that. And I saw, aha, that is how my righteousness must exceed their righteousness. The inside of my cup must be clean. Because the outside can look clean to men but inside angry murder, filthiness, grudges, unforgiveness, just awful. The biggest besetting sins for me were murder and leaving off trusting God for my temporal provision as He had said to.
But I tried for so, so long to clean my inside. I can tell you, it is impossible. I didn’t seem to grasp that I was trying to finish what the Spirit began and that it was impossible. I literally was one of those foolish Galatians.
I finally understood that I was hungering for true righteousness, that righteousness that exceeds their righteousness if a man wants to ENTER INTO the kingdom of God. I understood that the Spirit didn’t leave me and I didn’t understand why because I was so odious to myself. I hated myself and I hated others. I hated the stupid way everyone pretends on the outside but is angry on the inside and thinking no one can see that brief flare on the face of rage or contempt or impatience at having to listen to your voice before they hide it. I hated the whole useless and false way of life I had learned from my parents and society.
One day I said, I give up. I have no love. I am awful. I would rather die than continue one more day in my own odious skin. I also fail in trust over and over again and I’m too weary to keep trying. It’s all too hard. I can’t be good and neither can anyone else, Christian or not. It’s all futile pretense. I will live the rest of my life and will die in this awful state unless YOU fix me somehow. You will have to give me YOUR love or it’s no good and is the ugly broken way the world loves. I give up. I hope only in your mercy. Please have mercy on me.
I think it was the next afternoon, I realized something was extremely different. But…no one probably even got this far, lol, so I’ll stop!
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