Understanding MPD/DID & SRA/MK

[TLHKAJ]

*hugs*
im sorry

God is able to redeem what we bring to Him. We can't go back and change anything. But we can pray, and do the best with what we've been given, and trust He is able to work it all for good.

*hugs*

 

[truthquest]

On top of all of this, my daughter is a twin and her twin was taken (at birth). I never got to bring her home and Idk what happened to her. I believe she is still alive somewhere. So that was another loss she suffered. I never mentioned it to her, but when she was 13, she came to me and said, "Mommy? Doesn't it feel like someone's missing?" (And yes, for many years, I struggled with that feeling and didn't know fully why... it was because of babies taken, and forced late term "abortions." )
Another time she asked, "Do you ever feel like you're more than kne person?" (She knew about alters, so it wasn't necessarily about that.) So when she asked questions, I felt it was time to help her understand about her twin who was taken. It helped her understand the things she was feeling.

You know, it really amazes me the way God created us to be able to withstand such horrific abuse and trauma. We are definitely wonderfully made.
Psalm 139:13 For You formed my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are Your works, and I know this very well.

Of course it also helps to have faith and trust in the LORD.

 

[truthquest]

No, please don't delete ... you're absolutely right. My children have confirmed many things for me...sad to say, because it means they've experienced things I wish they never experienced. :/

Yes. I know that feeling when they confirm it and then you know they have experienced things you wish they never had experienced. It breaks your heart.
My oldest son told me about a nightmare he had and my heart just dropped with sadness.

I also saw what I believe was evidence that my daughter had an alter. I saw her switch and I heard what she said to me. Something about me that I never told her about. Either it was an alter or she was being used by them to say that to me. But she wasn't her normal self when she said that. It was shocking to me. She even tried to put her hand on my forehead. That was a major red flag.

 

[lilygrace]

no one here said this to me but im thinking of more of the insulting stuff my mother had decided to throw at me.

"at least you arent married, at least you arent worried about raising children"



my reply i could give: "well, karen, at least no one has certain pictures of you, at least etc etc etc"
im in my 30s and its bad enough what i have been through. are they saying marriage is miserable for everyone? because it is idiotic to think that me being spied on online wasnt traumatic in itself either.

 

[truthquest]

no one here said this to me but im thinking of more of the insulting stuff my mother had decided to throw at me.

"at least you arent married, at least you arent worried about raising children"



my reply i could give: "well, karen, at least no one has certain pictures of you, at least etc etc etc"
im in my 30s and its bad enough what i have been through. are they saying marriage is miserable for everyone? because it is idiotic to think that me being spied on online wasnt traumatic in itself either.

She is projecting her own feelings. Apparently she isn't too happy about being married and having to worry about raising children. That's the way she feels about it. It has nothing to do with you. She is also venting.

 

[lilygrace]

Matthew 20:30-34
King James Version

30 And, behold, two blind men sitting by the way side, when they heard that Jesus passed by, cried out, saying, Have mercy on us, O Lord, thou son of David.

31 And the multitude rebuked them, because they should hold their peace: but they cried the more, saying, Have mercy on us, O Lord, thou son of David.

32 And Jesus stood still, and called them, and said, What will ye that I shall do unto you?

33 They say unto him, Lord, that our eyes may be opened.

34 So Jesus had compassion on them, and touched their eyes: and immediately their eyes received sight, and they followed him.

 

[Shattered]

My mother was exceptionally cruel and until the Lord broke his programming, so was my father. Consider the irony of my mother's ire and disdain.

"You're useless, worthless, and will never amount to anything in this world!" as she declared many times while I was under her roof. Is this a horrible thing to say to your own child? It is, but I was astounded when the Lord made good upon her words.

The Lord redeems the time. I never amounted to anything in this world because the Lord called me out of it; I never succeeded in this world because I don't belong to it. I didn't belong to my mother so little wonder she hated me. I was never hers. I belonged to another and was promised to another. The wisdom, love, and mercy of God blows me away.

I belong to Jesus Christ and He promised me to Becka the day I was born. @Jostler and @TLHKAJ know her story, a survivor like us afflicted with DID and a mother of children. Her first child, her only son, was taken from her while she bled to death in the delivery room at the age of 17. He was taken away by the cult and she never saw him again. The Lord spared her life that day.

A few days later in a different part of the country I was born, the only son of my mother. 45 years later, the Lord brought me and Becka together.

My father of this flesh changed when the Lord broke him. Consider my father's words in relation to my mother's curses.

"I'm proud of you, son. I love you very much." This is what my father said to me after his programming was broken. The Lord redeems the time. :)

 

[Shattered]

These are things TLHKAJ and Jostler already know, so I write for the benefit of others who don't know. The Lord loves Becka like no other and while she passed from the world some time ago, she is not dead by any means. The story of her suffering is similar to what our sisters @TLHKAJ and @truthquest have endured. Our sisters are also mothers so they will understand what it means to have your child taken away by the cult.

Especially when that particular front of the cult was a Christian "care home" for delinquent girls sanctioned by the state. What was Becka's crime? She was raped and impregnated and because she was both young and unmarried, the state remanded her to the custody of the cult to do with her as they saw fit. She and other girls imprisoned there suffered unspeakable things by their hand.

Becka was rejected and abandoned by her family of believers... even her own children reviled her. Therefore she lived on her own in the wilderness far removed from other people. She sought to live off the land, growing her own food and keeping livestock. But evil found her even there, so she found herself raped once again (this happened many times during her life). Her rapist was an associate of a notorious criminal gang infamous for brutality and extreme violence. This gang intended to kill Becka and take her land for their own. But they would terrify and brutalize her before committing the deed...

The Lord sent me to Becka during the darkest of times. I stood between her and that gang, pledging my life so she might live. However, our relationship was not one-sided. When I became ill and started wasting away Becka pledged her life to serve mine, looking after my needs and claiming me as her own. It was the darkest of times but also the most wonderful of times, the greatest work of God I have witnessed on earth.

I became the son Becka was denied, and she became the mother I was denied. The Lord's goodness transcends these words I write. I cannot help but weep while I write them because the Lord's work is beautiful beyond compare. His gift to Becka before she passed from this world is the most beautiful blessing... and He blessed me with the gift of witnessing it with these eyes.

 

[amadeus]

Matthew 20:30-34
King James Version

30 And, behold, two blind men sitting by the way side, when they heard that Jesus passed by, cried out, saying, Have mercy on us, O Lord, thou son of David.

31 And the multitude rebuked them, because they should hold their peace: but they cried the more, saying, Have mercy on us, O Lord, thou son of David.

32 And Jesus stood still, and called them, and said, What will ye that I shall do unto you?

33 They say unto him, Lord, that our eyes may be opened.

34 So Jesus had compassion on them, and touched their eyes: and immediately their eyes received sight, and they followed him.

"I counsel thee to buy of me gold tried in the fire, that thou mayest be rich; and white raiment, that thou mayest be clothed, and that the shame of thy nakedness do not appear; and anoint thine eyes with eyesalve, that thou mayest see." Rev 3:18

 

[Shattered]

I saw your Southern Gospel thread in the praise forum, @TLHKAJ . I feel terrible but Gospel music is entirely triggering, eliciting powerful negative reactions and memories that I'd rather not deal with. I'm sorry.

There was a man I knew once, a long time ago, who was an evangelist and Gospel singer. He was popular and loved by many, but I knew a different side of this man. He was a snarling monster who brutalized his wife and children out of the limelight. Whenever I hear a Southern Gospel song, his smiling face appears in my mind.

This also explains my visceral reaction to a sermon I tried to listen to recently. The tone, tempo, and accent of the speaker's voice was too much for me to bear. First I felt ill, then I felt confused, and finally found myself wrestling with horrible rage. His voice made my blood boil.

The speaker didn't do a single thing to me and he certainly didn't do anything wrong. This is what I face with some of my brothers and sisters, and it's not fair at all. I don't want to lash out at anyone because of something that happened a very long time ago.

 

[TLHKAJ]

I saw your Southern Gospel thread in the praise forum, @TLHKAJ . I feel terrible but Gospel music is entirely triggering, eliciting powerful negative reactions and memories that I'd rather not deal with. I'm sorry.

It's okay, brother. I completely understand. There are many songs that I cannot listen to for very similar reasons. I used to get flashbacks in church, especially during sing time. It was absolutely horrible. It's a lot different now after having worked through me.ories and alters integrating. But I still don't listen to certain ones.

 

[Shattered]

It's okay, brother. I completely understand. There are many songs that I cannot listen to for very similar reasons. I used to get flashbacks in church, especially during sing time. It was absolutely horrible. It's a lot different now after having worked through me.ories and alters integrating. But I still don't listen to certain ones.

It's frustrating because there's nothing wrong with the music, sister. The Lord knows I'm not a respecter of persons. Look at this place where He sent me... in the midst of suffering, despair, murder, and crime. It's good that I'm here because I'm acquainted with dark places and times.

I worry because I'm sure that I'll lash out at Jostler again sooner or later. It's so hard to remain.

 

[TLHKAJ]

There was a man I knew once, a long time ago, who was an evangelist and Gospel singer. He was popular and loved by many, but I knew a different side of this man. He was a snarling monster who brutalized his wife and children out of the limelight. Whenever I hear a Southern Gospel song, his smiling face appears in my mind.

Would you mind telling me who the man was? Was he well known in Southern Gospel?

As a teen, I had a negative experience with a well known person in Southern Gospel. It sent me off on a major mental and spiritual battle that took some time to come out of.

After I had been on my deprogramming journey for a few years and had my testimony posted online, I met a man who is in Southern Gospel. He contacted me because he wanted help with his ex-wife who was a victim of SRA/MK. In the course of our talks, he began to realize that he also was a victim. He was looking into using music for healing ...to take scripture and putting it into music. He said that each Hebrew letter has a musical note association. So his idea was to compose scriptures in music form ...no words. Idk if there is any relevance to that. But maybe....?

Anyway, I have a close friend (local) whose father sang for the Dixie Melody Boys ...she comes from an SRA/MK background as well. So I know that being a Christian and in ministry doesn't eliminate the possibility of having this background.

Dolly Parton is a handler ...and I see her singing praise and worship with a younger man coming into the praise and worship scene. I could go on and on....

 

[lilygrace]

I understand what you both mean.

I had sent both @Jostler and @TLHKAJ a recording i did of the song called mercy tree. ( probably traumatized them both by my singing ) Was triggered and never knew why. I think it's one of the prettiest songs and it hasn't triggered me recently. It depends on the timing maybe.

I am not that familiar with southern gospel as some being a northerner. But i did find out that patsy cline did gospel. I wonder if the crash was a cover up. Might never know.

 

[Shattered]

Would you mind telling me who the man was? Was he well known in Southern Gospel?

As a teen, I had a negative experience with a well known person in Southern Gospel. It sent me off on a major mental and spiritual battle that took some time to come out of.

After I had been on my deprogramming journey for a few years and had my testimony posted online, I met a man who is in Southern Gospel. He contacted me because he wanted help with his ex-wife who was a victim of SRA/MK. In the course of our talks, he began to realize that he also was a victim. He was looking into using music for healing ...to take scripture and putting it into music. He said that each Hebrew letter has a musical note association. So his idea was to compose scriptures in music form ...no words. Idk if there is any relevance to that. But maybe....?

Anyway, I have a close friend (local) whose father sang for the Dixie Melody Boys ...she comes from an SRA/MK background as well. So I know that being a Christian and in ministry doesn't eliminate the possibility of having this background.

Dolly Parton is a handler ...and I see her singing praise and worship with a younger man coming into the praise and worship scene. I could go on and on....

I sent a message. :)

 

[Jostler]

Brother, trust the Lord. You probably will lash out at me again. God will handle it and He will empower me to handle it too. You probably won't be able to stop it...and that's ok. Those rage filled alters are VERY strong. But He MEANS for them to be strong. Trust Him, He will teach them why, and how to use that strength in righteousness...in holiness...without sinning. He has begun something in them very important to your future. And He will finish it. And I'll be right here with you when He does. When He has prepared those alters to integrate, they will bring into your character a strength you are going to need. There are two people I know of right now who are experiencing a revelation of God's own anger. You and one other I know of. Its going to begin to happen to more of us. He is beginning to open His heart and reveal to His people a sensation ..an EXPERIENCE of His own wrath against sin. Its very, very hard to experience...at first. Just a small, small bit of God's rage against sin is overwhelming to any human. God's emotional intensity is so powerful just tiny taste if it is simply overwhelming. Hopefully I can explain more soon. One key is the verse "BE angry, but sin not...."

 

[Jostler]

any time we experience God revealing the power of His emotions to us. ..if there is any "fleshy" stuff in us those emotions can touch....we will react to it in fleshy ways. We will sin. We will react... and not in ways He approves of. I hate to say it but I think all of us still have very fleshy stuff in us that needs His attention.

 

[TLHKAJ]

I am not that familiar with southern gospel as some being a northerner. But i did find out that patsy cline did gospel. I wonder if the crash was a cover up. Might never know.

"Cline" (Kline, Klein, etc) is a masonic bloodline that comes from the Sinclair bloodline ... Scottish Rite freemasonry. So I'm sure she was a victim as well.

 

[Jostler]

If/when any of us becomes aware we have sinned by reacting improperly, all we need to do is repent, and ask Him to cleanse us, and transform us into His image so we will experience, Understand ACT on what He reveals in us, in holy, healthy ways. He will do it.

1 John 1:9 NKJV — If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

 

[lilygrace]

If/when any of us becomes aware we have sinned by reacting improperly, all we need to do is repent, and ask Him to cleanse us, and transform us into His image so we will experience, Understand ACT on what He reveals in us, in holy, healthy ways. He will do it.

1 John 1:9 NKJV — If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

I don't want to interrupt as i already have but i am uncertain i can be forgiven for my acting out in the past few months