Understanding MPD/DID & SRA/MK
- Thread starter TLHKAJ
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I'm so sorry. Would you like to private message me to talk about what's making you feel afraid?
lilygrace
Well-Known Member
an update. thingsare okay now and got in touch with T :) i wont go into detail publicly but just been dissociative and in bed the past couple weeks ...
Shattered
Well-Known Member
I understand, @lilygrace . It was so hard to come back and even harder to remain.
I thought I'd already reached the end of myself. I offered my life in her place and the Lord stunned me by honoring this vow. When she was safe and I started to die, I accepted this as the fulfillment of the vow I made before God. She was worth it and I'd gladly do it for anyone, if the Lord sees fit to honor me in such a way again. I'd do it for anyone on this earth.
But I didn't die. I endured by the will of God and then came the day when He revealed the truth of my shattering, that I'm a fragment of many such fragments in a fragmented mind. I wanted to die and this was when I truly reached the end of myself. When I recede, it's so hard to come back and while I'm here, it's even harder to remain.
There are times when I don't want to come back. Let someone else be the presenter, I'm tired and would love nothing more than for this to end.
I thought I'd already reached the end of myself. I offered my life in her place and the Lord stunned me by honoring this vow. When she was safe and I started to die, I accepted this as the fulfillment of the vow I made before God. She was worth it and I'd gladly do it for anyone, if the Lord sees fit to honor me in such a way again. I'd do it for anyone on this earth.
But I didn't die. I endured by the will of God and then came the day when He revealed the truth of my shattering, that I'm a fragment of many such fragments in a fragmented mind. I wanted to die and this was when I truly reached the end of myself. When I recede, it's so hard to come back and while I'm here, it's even harder to remain.
There are times when I don't want to come back. Let someone else be the presenter, I'm tired and would love nothing more than for this to end.
Wow, I know this feeling. I've been there many times.
I'm sorry you've been through a real wringer lately. Are there some inside who can come alongside and assist in a copresent way? I'm praying for you.
lilygrace
Well-Known Member
Wow, quite interesting. I wonder if someone inside connected it before you did...just a curious question.
lilygrace
Well-Known Member
I would think something like a gatekeeper alter, but I could be wrong. I know that some alters see themselves as doors, or gates ....or some who guard doors. I had alters like that.
lilygrace
Well-Known Member
When we come to Christ, we are given the mind of Christ. We only overcome in the areas we are willing to bring to Him. When we are divided from within, there are parts who hold fractured pieces of our mind/will/emotions. Each part, holding a piece of the will that was broken ...acts on what they have believed about God, themselves, others, etc. They have to be brought to Him in order to walk in agreement with Him. If we were no longer subjected to the effects of this fallen world, we would have no need of dying daily and of sanctification after we come to Christ.
It's true that we are free once we come to Christ. But we have to learn to walk in that freedom...and that includes parts who were subjected to tortures and taught lies about who God is and who they are. This is essential in deprogramming...to undo the lies, by receiving His truth ...and walking in that freedom. He came to set the captives (captive places within us) free! :)
Without your specifically identifiable history, I can relate to the programming and deprogramming. When I came to the Christ definitively in 1976, I started to read a Bible and to learn some things about God's ways. It was not so long before I began to understand that much of what I had learned in life had to effectively be unlearned in order walk toward God closely. Leaving some of things Catholic [as in the Catholic Church] which had been part of me for so long was a given and the UPC [first new church] was strong in impressing that on us.
Also much of what I had learned in the army and especially during my college years were things which eventually needed to be reconsidered. No man was really there to help me deprogram except for the one who had effectively won me to God by his life style. Unfortunately he did not attend where we did and did not live close to us, so that was help only occasionally available. Our first pastor resisted the man even though it was that man who brought to us church for the first time in that assembly.
But God will provide help if we have truly been drawn to Him and I was. I was set in my ways in many things unbeknownst to me [my programming]. I did not even know about some of those ways that also needed to be eliminated or changed. The UPC , which had helped a lot initially in so many ways, also did some programming of their own in new converts like us. Yes, the churches also did some things, to bring us closer under their control. God's? Hmmm?
I was already less susceptible because I was trying to serve God but I was still very ignorant in the ways of God and was only reading the Bible for the first time in my life .I did not really know yet how to turn it really over to God. That began in 1976, but I am sure there are still some rough places even after so many years.
A question people need to ask themselves and God is who can I trust to help me move away from these ways, these ways which have become habits [sometimes quite innocent in appearance] which when followed lead a person repeatedly back into sin...?
I don't read all of your posts, but I have read enough to know you are working to be a help to anyone who needs and wants help... May God richly bless you and those you are able to touch in these things.
Sis, have you ever seen or met an alter that identifies as a doorknob?
You said you had dreams of holding a door shut and someone coming through(?) ....you used the word "us." Did you see yourself in parts/as alter parts in the dream, holding the door shut? Do you know what happened after someone .ame through the door?
Don't answer unless you feel comfortable.
lilygrace
Well-Known Member
In the dream i remember trying to hold the door shut. I believe i dreamt it multiple times
I see. It sounds traumatizing. I wonder what brought the idea of a doorknob alter to your mind. Any idea?
lilygrace
Well-Known Member
the link about disney. in the trash disney but please dont thread.
I just realized what you said, lol... thank you for the giggles!!
This is a great verse to grasp hold of and cling to when working through trauma memories. I know there were countless times I held onto this one. We don't have to be afraid to move forward towards healing and freedom.
There will be times when memories trigger fear, but having scripture to hold onto is part of our weaponry to combat fear.
I was determinded not to write here anymore. It's like something in me wanting to say I do not have did but I do and inside is bad today, however i'm unable to express in words the pain I feel
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