Wife: "Dishes being done isn't for me. It's for the house"

[Wynona]

 

[TLHKAJ]

I'm happy if the rest of the members of the household at least pick up their dishes, bowls, silverware, glasses, etc and bring them to the sink and rinse them with warm water. That is a tremendous help that each person is perfectly able to do with just one minute of their time post-meal.

 

[Wynona]

I remember having similar thoughts to the post above early in my marriage.

I work too. Why can't he be expected to do chores the same way I would do them?

It's easy, as shown, to find women to commiserate too.

However, there's a quote that really helped me:

Expectations are just premeditated resentment.

Here are some paths a wife can take instead of one that involves frustration and exhaustion.

A. Empathy. Does this mindset go both ways. Are there things you do for your husband at all? What if he were to say that it wasn't for him, but for the household? How would you feel? Is everything you contribute in your marriage just "for the household" too?

B. Gratitude. "Thanks, honey. I'm glad I don't have to do the dishes now!"

C. Perspective. No, it isn't fair that the chores fall on you more than him. But is life ever fair? Is a 50/50 mindset even valuable? What if you do 75 percent of the dishes but your husband fixes something multiple times that you never had to fix even once? Are there tradeoffs even in a good relationship? What if he just genuinely hates the task of doing dishes and isn't having sexist motives but is just trying to help you because he knows its important to you?

D. Let it go. Is this really an issue worth stewing over? Is him not seeing his dishwashing your way worth feeling exhausted and frustrated?

Personally, I learned from a Godly wife's testimony and just stopped expecting my husband to do chores. It's optional for him. He works extremely hard at his job so whatever he does to help, I'm grateful for. And if I dont want to do dishes that day, I just don't do them, but don't fret if they're not done.

The harmony of marriage is more important than who does the dishes, so it doesn't matter who does them (even if it's the wife). Choosing to let go of expectation that my husband would act just like me toward each task has led to a lot of peace.

He gets to relax and be appreciated for housework when he does it. I get to relax because Im not resentful, will pick up the occasional sock, and simply go on about my day. The servant of all is the greatest amongs ministers, Jesus said. Just as I can never match my husband's sacrifice, my husband doesn't micromanage or fault find in my service.

I can and will ask for help with chores but he's free to agree to help or not without me freaking out.

 

[Wynona]

I'm happy if the rest of the members of the household at least pick up their dishes, bowls, silverware, glasses, etc and bring them to the sink and rinse them with warm water. That is a tremendous help that each person is perfectly able to do with just one minute of their time post-meal.

I like that. It's good for family to appreciate and contribute. The key is that you are happy when they do.

I disagree with the wives' mindset of assuming bad motives of people actively trying to help and being ungrateful for that help.

 

[Wynona]

I consider April Cassidy a wise and funny mentor for marriage advice. When I saw the post in the OP, it reminded me of one of her videos.

 

[MA2444]

View attachment 47374

Forgive me Sister but that struck my funny bone, lol. Traditionally, the way it was was that Men go to work and women took care of the house and kids. We raised two kids and I always worked and she always kept a spotless house, much to my delight. I was taught that the man takes care of the outside and takes the garbage out, mows the grass and all that stuff. I was married for 26 years and she never complained or asked for help with the household chores and I let her do them for the most part. She wouldnt even ask for help.

I figured if I went to work that day and came home without cheating on my wife, then my job as a good husband was over for that day. WHo wants to work all day then come home and work more?

But after the divorce, I understood real quick just how hard she did work all those years, because I have to do everything now. So if he did the dishes for you that is him saying in his love language that he loves you. That he appreciates how hard you work. When I got home from work, my day was over. The boots come off and feed me, lol. But! She worked all day too. Cleaning house, watching the kids. Is her day over then? No it wasnt over. It got harder for her. Now it's dinner time and she's picking up after me from messing up her house that she worked all day in,,,,? Was that fair of me? I dont think so.

I let her handle the money and pay the bills and stuff because she was real good with numbers and being money handlers seems to make women happy, right? So the money I didnt really care about, I wanted to be married and raise a family, so going to work was just a means to an end.

But if I'm being honest with myself, her work is also a means to an end. So because I did love her I should have helped her more. Especially cooking I think. Oh I used to cook for her on her birthday, but what's that? One day a year. That sweet little girl cooked 365 days a year, she didnt even get holidays off, those were harder. So if I ever (doubtful) get married again, I'm'a cook 2 or 3 times a week at least so she can sit down when I come home from work instead of her day getting harder.

One day I came home from work and she wasnt in the house. That's odd. Looked around, glanced out the back window, there she is, mowing the grass! That's my Job!
I wasnt there and she seen it needed done so she just did it. No one told her to, that's just the type of person she is. I snapped a picture of her behind a lawnmower in the sun...and I do declare! It is the sexiest picture of a lady that I have ever seen!

So please dont get frustrated at your husband for doing the dishes for you. Acts of service to express his love for you might just be his love language. There's like 6 or 8 different love languages that people use to show thier love to each other? Some are acts of service, some are touching, compliments, and I forget the rest but dont misunderstand what he did for you. You are typically the one who ceans the house, right? So that's something that you don't have to do now. Sit down, relax. It's been a long day da da da. He loves you! Do you think the dishes would have gotten done if he was a bachelor? Lol.
He could'a been down at the bar with his buddies drinking and playing pool but instead he decided to stay home and do the dishes for you? Hmm! Sounds like he might Love You!!

 

[Wynona]

Forgive me Sister but that struck my funny bone, lol. Traditionally, the way it was was that Men go to work and women took care of the house and kids. We raised two kids and I always worked and she always kept a spotless house, much to my delight. I was taught that the man takes care of the outside and takes the garbage out, mows the grass and all that stuff. I was married for 26 years and she never complained or asked for help with the household chores and I let her do them for the most part. She wouldnt even ask for help.

I figured if I went to work that day and came home without cheating on my wife, then my job as a good husband was over for that day. WHo wants to work all day then come home and work more?

But after the divorce, I understood real quick just how hard she did work all those years, because I have to do everything now. So if he did the dishes for you that is him saying in his love language that he loves you. That he appreciates how hard you work. When I got home from work, my day was over. The boots come off and feed me, lol. But! She worked all day too. Cleaning house, watching the kids. Is her day over then? No it wasnt over. It got harder for her. Now it's dinner time and she's picking up after me from messing up her house that she worked all day in,,,,? Was that fair of me? I dont think so.

I let her handle the money and pay the bills and stuff because she was real good with numbers and being money handlers seems to make women happy, right? So the money I didnt really care about, I wanted to be married and raise a family, so going to work was just a means to an end.

But if I'm being honest with myself, her work is also a means to an end. So because I did love her I should have helped her more. Especially cooking I think. Oh I used to cook for her on her birthday, but what's that? One day a year. That sweet little girl cooked 365 days a year, she didnt even get holidays off, those were harder. So if I ever (doubtful) get married again, I'm'a cook 2 or 3 times a week at least so she can sit down when I come home from work instead of her day getting harder.

One day I came home from work and she wasnt in the house. That's odd. Looked around, glanced out the back window, there she is, mowing the grass! That's my Job!
I wasnt there and she seen it needed done so she just did it. No one told her to, that's just the type of person she is. I snapped a picture of her behind a lawnmower in the sun...and I do declare! It is the sexiest picture of a lady that I have ever seen!

So please dont get frustrated at your husband for doing the dishes for you. Acts of service to express his love for you might just be his love language. There's like 6 or 8 different love languages that people use to show thier love to each other? Some are acts of service, some are touching, compliments, and I forget the rest but dont misunderstand what he did for you. You are typically the one who ceans the house, right? So that's something that you don't have to do now. Sit down, relax. It's been a long day da da da. He loves you! Do you think the dishes would have gotten done if he was a bachelor? Lol.
He could'a been down at the bar with his buddies drinking and playing pool but instead he decided to stay home and do the dishes for you? Hmm! Sounds like he might Love You!!

I liked this. I could always find a female friend to agree that I was being mistreated or taken advantage of in my marriage. When I started focusing on myself and what I could be doing---my friends fell off and things sure got quiet!

I think you're spot on about assuming bad motives. The two wives complaining together, is an example of "choose your friends wisely".

 

[Wynona]

Also...doesn't dish doing go for the house...and those in it? Why is it just for the house? Is the house going to say, "Thank you?"

I find interesting things on Pinterest sometimes.