I just want to be able to be free from such thoughts, at least learn to let them pass and accept that i have them if i can't be rid of them outright, but how does anyone do that with things as truly beyond abominable as what i have? They've even infested my prayers and when I try to comfort myself when I think on Jesus...
I can't even be at peace with "knowing i don't want to think this" anymore, since i know what needs to be done i always am in shame and whatnot whenever they pop up or even get worse because i worry about them or don't want to think them...at this point its as if i'm in the same misery i feared at the start where i would just end up willfully wanting this...I can't try to have peace because "I'm doing what I can" either because if I did without finding a way to break down the thought patterns that would just be me being OK with the content of such vile intrusions on some level.
No matter what I try or learn, it always ends the same...I can't just be OK with such images being there even knowing i can't control such things(though i absolutely aren't ok with the content) so the torment will stop/i won'tend up inadvertently causing more damage and whatnot by endlessly "trying to avoid it", and I'm always angry at myself for that...i just feel like even if I ever manage to stop being so resentful over these things and learn to heal from it, I couldn't get over how I effectively let this cycle continue even if I didn't mean to...I want to tell myself that I'm still in the process of figuring it out, why i can't seem to figure it out, I'm still trying to find proper therapy and whatnot, but just about anyone else would have made good progress on this at least...If you feel like praying for me that's fine, but I don't even know where to go from here...perhaps it's not as bad as I think, if that's the case I would at least like someone to comfort me in this trial.
I can't even be at peace with "knowing i don't want to think this" anymore, since i know what needs to be done i always am in shame and whatnot whenever they pop up or even get worse because i worry about them or don't want to think them...at this point its as if i'm in the same misery i feared at the start where i would just end up willfully wanting this...I can't try to have peace because "I'm doing what I can" either because if I did without finding a way to break down the thought patterns that would just be me being OK with the content of such vile intrusions on some level.
No matter what I try or learn, it always ends the same...I can't just be OK with such images being there even knowing i can't control such things(though i absolutely aren't ok with the content) so the torment will stop/i won'tend up inadvertently causing more damage and whatnot by endlessly "trying to avoid it", and I'm always angry at myself for that...i just feel like even if I ever manage to stop being so resentful over these things and learn to heal from it, I couldn't get over how I effectively let this cycle continue even if I didn't mean to...I want to tell myself that I'm still in the process of figuring it out, why i can't seem to figure it out, I'm still trying to find proper therapy and whatnot, but just about anyone else would have made good progress on this at least...If you feel like praying for me that's fine, but I don't even know where to go from here...perhaps it's not as bad as I think, if that's the case I would at least like someone to comfort me in this trial.
