The PARODY collection #1

[St. SteVen]

--- PARODY ---

Christian: Do you believe in the Bible?
Skeptic: Who wrote the Books of Moses?
Christian: Well, Moses obviously. ???
Skeptic: If Adam wasn't a literal human then he didn't literally sin.
Christian: Adam's transgression was the original sin.
Skeptic: If Adam didn't literally sin, then there is no original sin.
Christian: We were all born sinners.
Skeptic: If there is no original sin then being born in Adam's race does not make you a sinner.
Christian: Well... ???
Skeptic: If we are not redeemed from original sin by Christ's payment of the death penalty...
Christian: I suppose, but...
Skeptic: Then the Atonement was of none effect.
Christian: Say what?
Skeptic: If the Atonement was of none effect, we are lost in our sin and awaiting judgment of our works.
Christian: That can't be right... ???
Skeptic: We all fall short of the perceived standard and stand condemned.
Christian: Well, yes, but...
Skeptic: Faith in Christ can't help us, the Atonement is null and void.
Christian: What? !!!
Skeptic: Where does that leave us?
Christian: We need to take the Genesis account as literal history.
Skeptic: Indications are that it is a mythology.
Christian: A mythology means it isn't true!
Skeptic: There is your problem.

[

 

[St. SteVen]

--- PARODY ---

Christian #1: Are you a Christian?
Christian #2: Yes, although I'm not completely comfortable with that term.
Christian #1: You aren't comfortable being a Christian?
Christian #2: No, it's the term "Christian".
Christian #1: Shouldn't you stand up for what you believe?
Christian #2: I do. I'm just not a fan of labeling.
Christian #1: Why would you be ashamed of Christ?
Christian #2: I'm not. The term "Christian" comes with a lot of baggage.
Christian #1: It seems to me that you are not a Christian at all.
Christian #2: I hear that from Christians sometimes.
Christian #1: Based on what you have said, there is no proof that you are a Christian.
Christian #2: I suppose not. Can we really know for sure?
Christian #1: Why are you avoiding the question?
Christian #2: You asked me if I am a Christian and I said "Yes..."
Christian #1: But then you backed away from it.
Christian #2: I said I wasn't comfortable with labels.
Christian #1: You are still beating around the bush.
Christian #2: Why didn't you accept my initial answer?
Christian #1: Because of everything else you said.
Christian #2: (sigh)
Christian #1: What's wrong?
Christian #2: This is why I am uncomfortable with the term.
Christian #1: What do you mean?
Christian #2: I don't want to be associated with you.

[

 

[St. SteVen]

--- PARODY ---

Christian: We have all the answers.
Victim: Good; I haven't done today's crossword puzzle yet.
Christian: I didn't mean those sort of answers.
Victim: That's okay, I can do my own puzzle games.
Christian: I mean the really important answers to life.
Victim: Like how to get my keys out of a locked car?
Christian: No, like where you will spend eternity.
Victim: It seems to take an eternity to get my keys out of a locked car.
Christian: Aren't you concerned about your eternal destiny?
Victim: Not really. I'm concerned about getting my keys out of a locked car.
Christian: That is a temporal concern; I'm talking about eternity.
Victim: I'm late for an appointment. That's my main concern at the moment.
Christian: Shouldn't you be more concerned about your eternal destiny?
Victim: Oh good, the police just arrived to rescue me.
Christian: To rescue you from being locked out of your car?
Victim: No, to rescue me from you.

[

 

[Beebster]

Good stuff St. SteVen.

Here's something I wrote a few years back.

Once upon a time, there were two sisters who grew up in an abusive home. Daddy had a drinking problem and used to imbibe heavily. During these binges he would beat and rape mommy. On several occasions daddy would do unspeakable things to his daughters as well.

As time went by justice was served and daddy was sent to prison. Mommy was never the same; in and out of psychiatric wards cursing the God that made her every chance she could. Meanwhile daddy died in prison, but prior to dying he “found God” and was utterly ashamed of what he had done to his family.

As the two sisters matured they grew closer to their mother and to one another. The first sister became a Christian and married a pastor. Through much tribulation she was able to forgive her father.

The other sister agreed with her mother; no loving God would ever allow the things that happened to them happen to them. She married a very nice man and they became philanthropists.

The first sister and her pastor husband had a son and a daughter. These two children grew up going to church twice a week. As they reached adulthood they started to reject God, eventually becoming atheists. Their parents were very angry with them but the kids would not change their ways.

The second sister and her husband had a son. As he grew up helping the needy with his folks, he found God. He would come home crying, begging his parents to become Christians so that they wouldn’t go to hell. His parents wouldn’t budge.

Now, because the sisters and their mother were very close, these families were very close. They all loved one another very much.

One day they all took a family vacation in grandma’s RV. While driving down the highway they were hit head-on by a semi-truck in which the driver fell asleep at the wheel. The truck driver had a bumper sticker that read “God is my co-pilot;” he was a Christian.

Unfortunately no one survived the crash and as theologians would have it Grandma went to hell right along with the second daughter and her husband. They weren’t alone; the first daughter’s children went there right along with them.

Meanwhile, the first daughter was having a reunion with ex-rapist, born again daddy, but unfortunately her children couldn’t be with her to meet him. But hey, her nephew was there and he was able to meet the man who kept his mom from ever getting to heaven.

Soon the resurrection of the living dead happened and all those alive in heaven were raised back to life. And all those alive in hell were also raised back to life.

After they were all judged. Those in hell were thrown into the lake of fire including the grandma, the second sister, her husband, and the first sister’s children.

And all those resurrected from heaven remained in heaven including the first sister and her husband, the second sister’s son and daddy do-right. And all the Christians lived happily ever, gathered around the lake of fire clapping hands and singing kumbaya while their family members burned forever and ever.

And the truck driver wore a t-shirt that said “I told you so.”

The end.

 

[Behold]

Mother: Lord, I was remembering my child.
Jesus: Yes, I can see her now in torment.
Mother: When will it end?
Jesus: Hell is forever.

John Calvin teaches that Her child was born to burn in the lake of Fire, and that God predestined it, and that this Child... (Maybe yours reader) was not allowed to trust in Christ..

Welcome to : Calvinism.

Its one of the Devil's best creations.

 

[Behold]

Let me write a Parody.

"Moderator says...." "have you noticed that @St. SteVen does nothing but insult God, The Bible, and anything that is related to Faith in Christ, and He is allowed to do this constantly, Thread after Thread.... while it should be stopped long ago.....from ever happening again....the next 50X""

Oppps...

That's not a parody.
That's a fact.

 

[St. SteVen]

And the truck driver wore a t-shirt that said “I told you so.”

LOL

I saw a bumper sticker that said:

If Jesus is your copilot...
You're in the wrong seat!

[

 

[St. SteVen]

--- PARODY ---

Human: I am worthless.
God (unheard): Worth less than what?
Human: I can't do anything right.
God (unheard): That's an unfortunate exaggeration.
Human: I am lower than a worm.
God (unheard): I created you in my image. Obviously, I am not a worm.
Human: When will I get it together?
God (unheard): What good would that do?
Human: I give up.
God (unheard): Good. Now we are getting somewhere.
Human: Why won't anyone help me?
God (unheard): Hello? All you need to do is ask.
Human: Where is God?
God: "I'm right here."
Human: Whoa... who said that?
God (unheard): See if you can guess.
Human: God, are you there?
God (unheard): I thought you ALREADY believed in my existence. ???
Human: Maybe I should pray about this.
God (unheard): You can talk to me anytime. No need for formality.
Human: (sigh) God, I surrender to you.
God (unheard): There we go. Always glad to help.
Human: That should help.
God (unheard): Ya think?

[

 

[St. SteVen]

--- PARODY ---

Christian Apologist: The Bible is the Word of God.
Innocent bystander: Are you talking to me?
Christian Apologist: God-breathed, every word.
Innocent bystander: Do you mean our English translation?
Christian Apologist: Well, yes.
Innocent bystander: Not all English translations agree.
Christian Apologist: The Bible is 99.6% accurate.
Innocent bystander: I thought you said it was god-breathed.
Christian Apologist: That's what the Bible says.
Innocent bystander: Maybe that was the 0.4% part that was inaccurate?
Christian Apologist: Erm... no, that's not right...
Innocent bystander: I think the accuracy rating is in reference to the original language manuscripts.
Christian Apologist: Yes, yes... that's probably right.
Innocent bystander: Manuscript copies, of copies, of copies... you get the idea.
Christian Apologist: No, I mean the originals.
Innocent bystander: We don't have the originals; they are long gone.
Christian Apologist: WHAT!!!!! ?????
Innocent bystander: Do you know what textual criticism is?
Christian Apologist: I would NEVER criticize the Bible!
Innocent bystander: LOL - It means comparing manuscript copies to identify textual variants.
Christian Apologist: Textual variants! What?
Innocent bystander: That's where your 99.6% comes from.
Christian Apologist: How do you know all this?
Innocent bystander: I'm a Seminary Bible professor.
Christian Apologist: What?
Innocent bystander: I teach Pastors these things about the where the Bible came from.
Christian Apologist: Why didn't I hear these things from my Pastor?
Innocent bystander: The denominations make them sign a doctrinal agreement to prevent it.
Christian Apologist: Huh?
Innocent bystander: Right. Where does that leave you?

[

 

[St. SteVen]

--- PARODY ---

Christian #1: Your beliefs aren't biblical.
Christian #2: Say what?
Christian #1: Your beliefs aren't biblical.
Christian #2: I don't understand.
Christian #1: Your beliefs are unbiblical.
Christian #2: That's ridiculous.
Christian #1: Why?
Christian #2: I gave you biblical support.
Christian #1: It was unbiblical.
Christian #2: Are you nuts?
Christian #1: It was clearly unbiblical.
Christian #2: How could that be?
Christian #1: It doesn't match the whole Bible view.
Christian #2: So it was biblical then?
Christian #1: No, it was unbiblical.
Christian #2: It was from MY "whole Bible" view.
Christian #1: That's unbiblical.
Christian #2: How can a Biblical view be unbiblical?
Christian #1: That doesn't make sense.
Christian #2: BINGO!

[

 

[St. SteVen]

--- PARODY ---

Christian: Do you know Jesus? (a very good question)
Prospect: I've heard of him. (I need to get away fast)
Christian: But do you know him personally? (another good question)
Prospect: I've heard of that too. (I don't like where this is going)
Christian: You need to invite him into your life. (smooth)
Prospect: Why would I want to do that? (shields up, battle mode)
Christian: Because of your sin. (Careful. get ready to sink the hook)
Prospect: My sin? (run feet, run)
Christian: Yes. We are all born sinners in need of forgiveness. (steady...)
Prospect: I've heard of that too. (feet, why aren't you running?)
Christian: Jesus died to pay for our sin. (keep going)
Prospect: Okay, hang on... do you want me to join a church? (regaining control)
Christian: Well, that's part of it. But let's not jump ahead... (careful...)
Prospect: If it involves joining a church, I am not interested. (there, I said it)
Christian: Why would that be a problem? (this is going down hill fast)
Prospect: I don't want to join a church, or be a "Christian".
Christian: So, you are rejecting Christ? (gotcha)
Prospect: No. I am rejecting Christianity. (Yes, I will escape this encounter)
Christian: But... rejecting Christianity is the same as rejecting Christ. (???)
Prospect: I think Gandhi got it right. (now you are toast)
Christian: Say what? (Houston, we have a problem)
Prospect: Gandhi said, "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. ..." (gotcha)
Christian: Well, you should focus on Jesus, not on Christians. (Mayday, Mayday...)
Prospect: Christianity obviously doesn't work. (winning this argument)
Christian: Well, it can... (going down fast)
Prospect: Sorry, I'm not interested. (ha, made short work of this)
Christian: There are consequences for rejecting Christ. (last ditch effort)
Prospect: Like going to hell? (I'm so done with this)
Christian: Well, yes... (gulp)
Prospect: I'm so done with this. Goodbye. (and good riddance)
Christian: (sigh)

[

 

[St. SteVen]

--- PARODY ---

Skeptic: "Everyone is "predestined for hell?" --
Believer: "Well, His thoughts are higher than our thoughts and His ways beyond understanding."
Skeptic: "Maybe we got it all wrong then. Should the gospel be incomprehensible?"
Believer: "You are using carnal understanding. God had a good reason to predestine everyone to hell."
Skeptic: "Like what?"
Believer: I just told you. His thoughts are higher than our thoughts and His ways beyond finding out."
Skeptic: "I guess we are in agreement on that point.

[

 

[St. SteVen]

Oppps...

That's not a parody.

Writing parody is an art form.
Like psalms, proverbs, parables. Any poetry actually. Even lyrical poetry.

https://soundcloud.com/user-426611522%2Fdevil-talkin
[

 

[St. SteVen]

--- PARODY ---

Two Christians discuss God's plan for humankind.
(reader discretion advised) - LOL

Christian #1: God's plan is to glorify himself in the destruction of the wicked.
Christian #2: Sounds like you are in BIG trouble.
Christian #1: What do you mean?
Christian #2: If God destroys all the wicked, who would be left?
Christian #1: Those who obey His commandments will be spared.
Christian #2: Right, you will be toast.
Christian #1: What do you mean?
Christian #2: Do you love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, strength and mind?
Christian #1: Well, I do my best.
Christian #2: So you admit failure?
Christian #1: We can only do our best.
Christian #2: To miss the mark is not obedience.
Christian #1: What about you?
Christian #2: I have a different view of God's plan for humankind.
Christian #1: Like what?
Christian #2: God created humankind in his own image.
Christian #1: Agree. What else?
Christian #2: God is our heavenly Father.
Christian #1: Right. What else?
Christian #2: His love informs his plan and good intentions for all of humankind.
Christian #1: Now you've gone too far.
Christian #2: How come?
Christian #1: God's justice means punishing the disobedient.
Christian #2: You failed part A, should we consider part B?
Christian #1: What is part B?
Christian #2: Do you love your neighbor as yourself?
Christian #1: You haven't met my neighbor.
Christian #2: I am your neighbor.


The two views of God's plan for humankind stand in stark contrast.


View #1)
God created humankind to glorify himself in punishing them for their unworthiness.
He hand-selected a few as an Elect, predestined to avoid the destruction he would bring on the vast majority.
And it is not clear why he selected those he did, and bypassed the rest. Random selection?


View #2)
God created humankind in his own image. In the same way human children bear the image of their parents.
Even the terminology informs his relationship with us. God the Father. As the model for human fatherhood.
This parental love informs his plan and good intentions for all of humankind. This longing for family and
togetherness is woven into the human heart. We long for nothing as much as to be safe at home.

[

 

[St. SteVen]

(waiting for edits)

--- PARODY ---

Evangelist: God has a wonderful plan for your life!
Man on the street: I'm sorry, but I don't believe in God.
Evangelist: Oh. Then that wonderful plan involves fire and sulphur.
Man on the street: What's wonderful about that?
Evangelist: Er... well... that it can be avoided?
Man on the street: Why is it there in the first place?
Evangelist: Because God is just.
Man on the street: What is just about me burning forever?
Evangelist: No sin is allowed in heaven.
Man on the street: Are you sinless?
Evangelist: I do my best.
Man on the street: That sounds like an admission of failure.
Evangelist: God knows my good intentions.
Man on the street: Isn't that what the road to hell is paved with?
Evangelist: You got me there.

[

 

[St. SteVen]

--- PARODY ---

Bible student #1: God's word is the standard for truth.
Bible student #2: Do you mean the Bible?
Bible student #1: Well, of course. What else would it be?
Bible student #2: Can the the standard for truth be verified?
Bible student #1: Yes. We can test scripture against other scripture to verify them.
Bible student #2: Why would you need to verify the standard for truth?
Bible student #1: The standard needs to be tested.
Bible student #2: The standard can't be absolute if it needs to be tested.
Bible student #1: God's word is the standard for truth.
Bible student #2: It sounds more like you are choosing your own interpretation.
Bible student #1: Scripture verifies scripture.
Bible student #2: Which one is the standard for truth?
Bible student #1: Which one? What do you mean?
Bible student #2: The scripture in question, or the one you are using to verify it?
Bible student #1: Both.
Bible student #2: What's the point of verifying then?
Bible student #1: To confirm the truth.
Bible student #2: You said, "God's word is the standard for truth."

[

 

[Lambano]

Bible student #2: Can the the standard for truth be verified?
Bible student #1: Yes. We can test scripture against other scripture to verify them

There's a closed-loop system. But is that corrective feedback or a positive feedback loop? Positive feedback control systems are unstable.

 

[St. SteVen]

St. SteVen said:
Bible student #2: Can the the standard for truth be verified?
Bible student #1: Yes. We can test scripture against other scripture to verify them.

There's a closed-loop system. But is that corrective feedback or a positive feedback loop? Positive feedback control systems are unstable.

Is there an equation that would identify the problem with using data other than the standard to verify the standard?
Or does my question reveal the problem well enough? - LOL

[

 

[St. SteVen]

--- PARODY ---

One day in the garden. (orchard)

God: On the day that you eat thereof, you will surely die.
Adam: Say what?
God: And you will be put out of the garden.
Adam: For eating from a tree?
God: The ground will produce thorns and thistles for you.
Adam: What's that?
God: By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food.
Adam: Not sure why any of this matters, I will be dead, right?
God: No. Basically, you will work yourself to death.
Adam: These consequences are spiraling out of control.
God: You don't know the half of it.
Adam: There's more?
God: There will be consequences for your wife too.
Adam: Who's that?
God: You will meet her soon. You will think she is awesome at first.
Adam: Awesome at first?
God: She will suffer greatly in childbirth.
Adam: Why?
God: Because she gave you fruit from the tree and you ate it.
Adam: Why would she do that?
God: She was deceived by the serpent.
Adam: Say what? I would never let that happen.
God: You'll stand by and watch, speechless.
Adam: Is that it?
God: No. Once you eat, you will be out of your mind.
Adam: Out of my mind?
God: You'll be sewing leaves together to cover your nakedness.
Adam: Nakedness? That's never been a problem before.
God: Needless to say, eating from the tree is a terrible idea.
Adam: Agreed. Let's get rid of it.
God: Time for your nap. I have someone I want you to meet.

[

 

[St. SteVen]

--- PARODY ---

Human: Wow, who are you?
God: I am God.
Human: Like the God of the Bible?
God: That's the one.
Human: Something doesn't seem right.
God: How's that?
Human: I expected you to be scarier.
God: Oh, right. The God of wrath?
Human: Exactly.
God: Well, now you can know for yourself.
Human: I stayed away from church for that reason.
God: Understandable. Who would want that?
Human: You seem very loving to me.
God: I am love. (the source)
Human: Is it okay if I hang out here for a while?
God: That would be fine.
Human: I have some questions.
God: I'm here for you.

[