Hi there,
So I just need to get this out in the open basically: I am sensitive to the spirit, but not necessarily in a good way, but on the other hand, I am tempted to be proud and interpret great levels of perception as my doing (or my flesh or something). It's difficult for the Lord, because although He could make me more OCD, to get my attention on what He wants, He doesn't want me going in to ADHD if I try to fight it. I am aware the balance the Lord is trying to strike is very subtle, that's all. It's not like you can just "redo" life, if you suddenly get stuck with an outcome in your heart that doesn't agree with the Lord - the conscience has to work and you have to draw on your understanding of your intuition to make something clear. And if that clarity doesn't actually serve the Lord, what then? I think we're just too ready to be in control of something that takes waves of time to bring in to order.
What am I trying to get at? I just want to be clear, I am very tempted to just be proud that I have mental clarity at all. My schizophrenia has brought me to a point where I realise there are depths to understanding the Lord that can never be plunged unless you follow the Lord to the end of His thinking. The Lord deserves the time; the will justify those who follow Him - its just that when He says things like "Eat Me and drink Me", it can be hard to hold on. The Lord is basically saying to me now "there will be a time, when you are tempted to be proud of what you've become, but when you've been tested, strengthen the brethren" like its a constant prayer in Him, that the Devil not win the upper hand. I mean He is supposed to be humbling, His presence is humbling and everything about Him says "Be humble".
What I am trying to do is stand on my own two feet spiritually - my medication has come down and I'm getting a lot stronger and I just want to do it properly and part of all this, is just wrestling with a Jesus who essentially went to war with the chemistry in His own body to wrestle with the price of sin that needed to be paid on that Cross. It was hard to identify with Him on that Cross, He looked a mess and couldn't do anything else, once His Spirit had left Him. How does that empower someone who has been on medication? That is what I am trying to work out! I'm sort of putting the spear to His side, wondering how much blood I am going to see and what I see is blood and water! The body left, has simply settled in pieces! I guess what I am grasping is that I need to go through a process of resurrection now, starting with the decay of the body.
God bless this somehow, may it somehow inspire. I need prayer. The prayers continued in the temple, even while Jesus was in the ground.
God bless (you),
So I just need to get this out in the open basically: I am sensitive to the spirit, but not necessarily in a good way, but on the other hand, I am tempted to be proud and interpret great levels of perception as my doing (or my flesh or something). It's difficult for the Lord, because although He could make me more OCD, to get my attention on what He wants, He doesn't want me going in to ADHD if I try to fight it. I am aware the balance the Lord is trying to strike is very subtle, that's all. It's not like you can just "redo" life, if you suddenly get stuck with an outcome in your heart that doesn't agree with the Lord - the conscience has to work and you have to draw on your understanding of your intuition to make something clear. And if that clarity doesn't actually serve the Lord, what then? I think we're just too ready to be in control of something that takes waves of time to bring in to order.
What am I trying to get at? I just want to be clear, I am very tempted to just be proud that I have mental clarity at all. My schizophrenia has brought me to a point where I realise there are depths to understanding the Lord that can never be plunged unless you follow the Lord to the end of His thinking. The Lord deserves the time; the will justify those who follow Him - its just that when He says things like "Eat Me and drink Me", it can be hard to hold on. The Lord is basically saying to me now "there will be a time, when you are tempted to be proud of what you've become, but when you've been tested, strengthen the brethren" like its a constant prayer in Him, that the Devil not win the upper hand. I mean He is supposed to be humbling, His presence is humbling and everything about Him says "Be humble".
What I am trying to do is stand on my own two feet spiritually - my medication has come down and I'm getting a lot stronger and I just want to do it properly and part of all this, is just wrestling with a Jesus who essentially went to war with the chemistry in His own body to wrestle with the price of sin that needed to be paid on that Cross. It was hard to identify with Him on that Cross, He looked a mess and couldn't do anything else, once His Spirit had left Him. How does that empower someone who has been on medication? That is what I am trying to work out! I'm sort of putting the spear to His side, wondering how much blood I am going to see and what I see is blood and water! The body left, has simply settled in pieces! I guess what I am grasping is that I need to go through a process of resurrection now, starting with the decay of the body.
God bless this somehow, may it somehow inspire. I need prayer. The prayers continued in the temple, even while Jesus was in the ground.
God bless (you),
