JOKE!!

[Angelina]

Wow! I thought doilies were for putting under vases and stuff, kinda like a place mat. Most of the older generation use them for that purpose and I can't imagine anyone wearing such a thing on their head to Church without being percieved as "odd." Thanks for the history lesson UHC. :lol:

 

[IanLC]

Wow! I thought doilies were for putting under vases and stuff, kinda like a place mat. Most of the older generation use them for that purpose and I can't imagine anyone wearing such a thing on their head to Church without being percieved as "odd." Thanks for the history lesson UHC. :lol:

Maybe it was more of an African American Pentecostal Holiness tradition. IDK. Your joke just brought back old memories! ^_^

 

[Angelina]

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist! :lol:

 

[Angelina]

Just heard this one recently...


A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.

"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.

"Yes, that was it!"

"Are you Serious!" :huh: replied the collector, "You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!"

"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."

 

[JB_Reformed Baptist]

The Angry Atheist
The story is told of the Atheist who accosted a preacher. "Do you believe in eternal life?" The preacher has no time to reply. "Well its a load of rubbish!" shouted the Atheist. "I believe in science, evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that's it! No eternal life, no great judgement, and no God!" The Atheist continues his assault against the preacher repetitiously and tirelessly. "Eternal life! Eternal life! Ha! "Its all pie in the sky when you die." When I die that's it, the end, no eternal life, no nothing. He continues, until he reaches his climax, "I will be buried six feet under when I die and that's it! Nothing! Caput! When I die I am utterly convinced that that will be the end of me!" "Well thank God for that" replies the preacher!

 

[Arnie Manitoba]

Jews do not recognize Jesus

Protestants do not recognize the Pope

Pentecostals do not recognize each other in the liquor store

 

[stefen]

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve.

 

[the stranger]

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had
just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He
happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.



"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.



"Yes, that was it!"



"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever
printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!"



"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything
close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the
margins by some guy named Martin Luther."


http://jokes.christiansunite.com/Bible/A_Rare_Book.shtml

 

[Angelina]

One day a group of eminent scientists got together and decided that mankind had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need You. We're a point where we can clone people and do many things that would be considered miraculous, so why don't You just retire?"

God listened very patiently to the man and then said, "Very well, but first, how about this: Let us have a Man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!" But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "On no, no, no You go get your own dirt!" :)

 

[afaithfulone4u]

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve.

I like that one!

We now know who one of the two thieves where that where next to Jesus on the cross.

It was Paul's father...
yes he said, my old man was cruxified with Christ.

 

[JB_Reformed Baptist]

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve.

LOL! Brilliant. :)


An Atheist and a Little Girl on a Plane

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

” Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“OK,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don’t know s***?”

And then she went back to reading her book.

 

[Angelina]

Interdenominational views on Lightbulb Changing

How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
One - since most hands are in the air anyway.

How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. God has predestined when the lights will be on..

How many Baptists?
CHANGE?? But we have NEVER done it that way before!

How many Neo-evangelicals?
No one knows. They cannot tell the difference between light and darkness.

How many Pentecostals?
Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness... ^_^

How many TV evangelists?
One. But for the message of light to continue...send in your donation...

How many Fundamentalists?
ONLY ONE because any more would be compromise and ecumenical... (standards of light would slip.)

How many Charismatics?
None - unless the Lord leads.

How many Dispensationalists?
Two - one to change the bulb and one to keep the promises to the old bulb.

How many Promise Keepers?
None - unless Coach McCartney says it's manly to do so.

How many Calvinists?
Every Calvinist knows only God can change a lightbulb.

How many Episcopalians?
None, they assume darkness is the nature of the bulb and it would be harmful and disrespecful to violate personality of the bulb.

How many Charismatics?
Two - one to change the bulb, the other to have a breakthrough.

How many Quakers?
Someone will, but there is no one officially called to be a bulb changer.

How many Arminians?
Only one, but first the bulb must want to be changed.

How many Charismatics?
None - unless the Spirit witnesses to their spirit man that it should be done.

How many Baptists?
Two, one to change the bulb, the other to preach on tithing in order to pay for the new bulb...

How many Premillennialists?
While knowing where the lightbulbs are, they are persuaded to wait for the official lightbulb changer but no one knows when he will arrive.

How many Arminians?
Since the bulb has free will - it must make it's own decision.

How many Amillennialists?
Two, one to change the bulb, the other to remind others not to fear the
old darkness or trust the new light--both are only symbolic.

How many Postmillennialists?
One, but now he has to rethink his eschatology....

How Many Liberal Christians?
None - they don't think it needs to be changed.

How many Evolutionists?
None - it will change itself - it will just take billions and billions of years.

How many Lutherans?
17 - 5 to form a commitee to find and nominate 9 people to a committee which shall then discuss the issues of light bulb changing, from which that commitee shall appoint three other people to carry out the final resolution of the second committee - which is that one person shall supervise while one changes the bulb and one will follow up in one month's time to investigate the performance of the bulb.

How many Modern Evangelicals?
It doesn't matter as long as we love each other.

How many Seventh Day Adventists?
Just one - as long as it isn't Saturday.

How many Charismatics?
30 - 1 to change the bulb and 29 to laugh about it!

How many Mormons?
None - it's beneath the character of a god to stoop and change a light bulb.

How many Atheists?
1 - but they are still in darkness.

How many Independent Baptists?
Only one, anymore than that would be considered ecumenical.

[author unknown]

 

[Angelina]

Hymns Vs Praise Songs

An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was.

"Well," said the farmer, "it was good. They did something different, however. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns."

"Praise choruses?" said his wife. "What are those?"

"Oh, they're OK. They are sort of like hymns, only different," said the farmer.

"Well, what's the difference?" asked his wife.

The farmer said, "Well, it's like this - If I were to say to you: "Martha, the cows are in the corn"' - well, that would be a hymn. If on the other hand, I were to say to you:

'Martha, Martha, Martha, Oh Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA, the cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows the white cows, the black and white cows, the COWS, COWS, COWS are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, the CORN, CORN, CORN.'

Then, if I were to repeat the whole thing two or three times, well, that would be a praise chorus."

The next weekend, his nephew, a young, new Christian from the city came to visit and attended the local church of the small town. He went home and his mother asked him how it was.

"Well," said the young man, "it was good. They did something different however. They sang hymns instead of regular songs."

"Hymns?" asked his mother. "What are those?"

"Oh, they're OK. They are sort of like regular songs, only different," said the young man.

"Well, what's the difference?" asked his mother.

The young man said, "Well, it's like this - If I were to say to you: 'Martha, the cows are in the corn' - well, that would be a regular song. If on the other hand, I were to say to you:

'Oh Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry Inclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by To the righteous, inimitable, glorious truth.

For the way of the animals who can explain There in their heads is no shadow of sense Hearkenest they in God's sun or His rain Unless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced.

Yea those cows in glad bovine, rebellious delight Have broke free their shackles, their warm pens eschewed Then goaded by minions of darkness and night They all my mild Chilliwack sweet corn have chewed.

So look to the bright shining day by and by Where all foul corruptions of earth are reborn Where no vicious animals make my soul cry And I no longer see those foul cows in the corn.'

Then if I were to do only verses one, three and four and do a key change on the last verse, well that would be a hymn.

 

[JB_Reformed Baptist]

Interdenominational views on Lightbulb Changing

How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
One - since most hands are in the air anyway.

How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. God has predestined when the lights will be on..

How many Baptists?
CHANGE?? But we have NEVER done it that way before!

How many Neo-evangelicals?
No one knows. They cannot tell the difference between light and darkness.

How many Pentecostals?
Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness... ^_^

How many TV evangelists?
One. But for the message of light to continue...send in your donation...

How many Fundamentalists?
ONLY ONE because any more would be compromise and ecumenical... (standards of light would slip.)

How many Charismatics?
None - unless the Lord leads.

How many Dispensationalists?
Two - one to change the bulb and one to keep the promises to the old bulb.

How many Promise Keepers?
None - unless Coach McCartney says it's manly to do so.

How many Calvinists?
Every Calvinist knows only God can change a lightbulb.

How many Episcopalians?
None, they assume darkness is the nature of the bulb and it would be harmful and disrespecful to violate personality of the bulb.

How many Charismatics?
Two - one to change the bulb, the other to have a breakthrough.

How many Quakers?
Someone will, but there is no one officially called to be a bulb changer.

How many Arminians?
Only one, but first the bulb must want to be changed.

How many Charismatics?
None - unless the Spirit witnesses to their spirit man that it should be done.

How many Baptists?
Two, one to change the bulb, the other to preach on tithing in order to pay for the new bulb...

How many Premillennialists?
While knowing where the lightbulbs are, they are persuaded to wait for the official lightbulb changer but no one knows when he will arrive.

How many Arminians?
Since the bulb has free will - it must make it's own decision.

How many Amillennialists?
Two, one to change the bulb, the other to remind others not to fear the
old darkness or trust the new light--both are only symbolic.

How many Postmillennialists?
One, but now he has to rethink his eschatology....

How Many Liberal Christians?
None - they don't think it needs to be changed.

How many Evolutionists?
None - it will change itself - it will just take billions and billions of years.

How many Lutherans?
17 - 5 to form a commitee to find and nominate 9 people to a committee which shall then discuss the issues of light bulb changing, from which that commitee shall appoint three other people to carry out the final resolution of the second committee - which is that one person shall supervise while one changes the bulb and one will follow up in one month's time to investigate the performance of the bulb.

How many Modern Evangelicals?
It doesn't matter as long as we love each other.

How many Seventh Day Adventists?
Just one - as long as it isn't Saturday.

How many Charismatics?
30 - 1 to change the bulb and 29 to laugh about it!

How many Mormons?
None - it's beneath the character of a god to stoop and change a light bulb.

How many Atheists?
1 - but they are still in darkness.

How many Independent Baptists?
Only one, anymore than that would be considered ecumenical.

[author unknown]

LOL! Brilliant. :lol:

 

[Angelina]

The Hunting Trip

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a hunting trip. After a good meal they got into their respective sleepout bags and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."

The Farewell Offering

During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the church he served for some months, his hat was passed around for a goodwill offering.

When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn't flinch. He raised the hat to Heaven and said, "I thank You, Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation.

 

[JB_Reformed Baptist]

The Hunting Trip

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a hunting trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."

The Farewell Offering

During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the church he served for some months, his hat was passed around for a goodwill offering.

When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn't flinch. He raised the hat to Heaven and said, "I thank You, Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation.

You did it again!

 

[Angelina]

The Picture

The young pastor during a parochial call noticed that the little daughter of the hostess was busy with her slate while eying him closely from time to time.

"And what are you doing, Clara?" he asked, with his most engaging smile.

"I'm drawing a picture of you," was the answer.

The pastor sat very still to facilitate the work of the artist. But, presently, Clara shook her head in discouragement.

"I don't like it much," she confessed. "I guess I'll put a tail on it, and call it a dog."

 

[Rex]

The Hunting Trip

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a hunting trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."

I would so like to remember this joke, it's full of wisdom and truth that can be applied to a lost sheep.

 

[JB_Reformed Baptist]

 

[biggandyy]