How did the demon get the pig to cross the road?
Wait for it
Wait for it
Ding
IT POSSESSED IT!!
LOL!!!
Wait for it
Wait for it
Ding
IT POSSESSED IT!!
LOL!!!
JOKE!!
- Thread starter IanLC
- Start date
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Now this is from a Movie, but I thought it was entertaining.
So this Vicar is stopped for speeding and the policeman smells alcohol and sees an empty bottle of wine on the passenger side floor and he says, “Have you been drinking, Reverend?”. And the vicar says, all innocent like, “Just water, officer.”. And the policeman looks over to the bottle: “Well, that looks like wine to me.”. “Wine?”, says the vicar. “Good Lord, He’s done it again!”.
So this Vicar is stopped for speeding and the policeman smells alcohol and sees an empty bottle of wine on the passenger side floor and he says, “Have you been drinking, Reverend?”. And the vicar says, all innocent like, “Just water, officer.”. And the policeman looks over to the bottle: “Well, that looks like wine to me.”. “Wine?”, says the vicar. “Good Lord, He’s done it again!”.
^ Funny.
I've got a good one.
How do you tell the difference between a Baptist and a Presbyterian?
.....
.....
.....
A Presbyterian will wave at you in the liquor store.
:lol:
I've got a good one.
How do you tell the difference between a Baptist and a Presbyterian?
.....
.....
.....
A Presbyterian will wave at you in the liquor store.
:lol:
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. Here is what was written:
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,
'The Lord thy God is one,' but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David.. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.
My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament.. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,
'The Lord thy God is one,' but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David.. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.
My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament.. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
I went to see my Imam for some domestic counseling on marital discord. He gave me a bucket of rocks!!. Seems a little backward--but--Very Effective!!
A young Muslim kid can't find his mother in the supermarket.
The store attendant says 'What does your mother look like?
The kid says "How the hell should I know?"
A young Muslim kid can't find his mother in the supermarket.
The store attendant says 'What does your mother look like?
The kid says "How the hell should I know?"
So a priest a Rabbi and a Preacher walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says. "What? Is this some kind of joke?"
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
Learning To Fish
Mrs Baker wanted to go ice fishing. She had read several books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary equipment together, she made her way out onto the ice.
After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Frighteningly, from up above, a voice boomed, 'There are no fish under the ice.' Startled, Mrs Baker moved farther down the ice, poured herself a large coffee, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, 'There are no fish under the ice.' Mrs Baker, now became very concerned so she moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and began again to cut her ice-hole.
The voice rang out once more, 'There are no fish under the ice.' Mrs Baker, stopped, looked upwards and said, 'Is that you, Lord?'
The voice replied, 'No, this is the Ice-Rink Manager. LOL!
Lost Keys
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.
I was looking for my keys.They were not in my pockets.
A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.
His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.I immediately called the police.
I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these.
"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence.
I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
He barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car." :lol: ^_^
PS: The above mentioned is not me btw...Lol!
Mrs Baker wanted to go ice fishing. She had read several books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary equipment together, she made her way out onto the ice.
After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Frighteningly, from up above, a voice boomed, 'There are no fish under the ice.' Startled, Mrs Baker moved farther down the ice, poured herself a large coffee, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, 'There are no fish under the ice.' Mrs Baker, now became very concerned so she moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and began again to cut her ice-hole.
The voice rang out once more, 'There are no fish under the ice.' Mrs Baker, stopped, looked upwards and said, 'Is that you, Lord?'
The voice replied, 'No, this is the Ice-Rink Manager. LOL!
Lost Keys
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.
I was looking for my keys.They were not in my pockets.
A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.
His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.I immediately called the police.
I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these.
"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence.
I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
He barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."
:lol: ^_^PS: The above mentioned is not me btw...Lol!
So this Irishman walks into a bar and orders three beers and proceeds to a table in a dark corner. The bartender arrives with the beers and says it's no trouble to just keep refilling the one beer...no need for three at a time. The Irishman says" no, you don't understand...you see I have 2 brothers, one in Australia and one in America. We all do this so that we can remember the old times together. "
So the Irishman faithfully continued his ritual for some months always ordering the three beers.
Until one day the Irishman walks in and orders just 2 beers. The bartender, arriving with the 2 beers, asks "I'm so sorry, which of the brothers has passed away".
The Irishman smiles and says "no that's not it...my brothers are fine. I recently became a Baptist so I quit drinking!!!"
So the Irishman faithfully continued his ritual for some months always ordering the three beers.
Until one day the Irishman walks in and orders just 2 beers. The bartender, arriving with the 2 beers, asks "I'm so sorry, which of the brothers has passed away".
The Irishman smiles and says "no that's not it...my brothers are fine. I recently became a Baptist so I quit drinking!!!"
When a woman got married she put a shoebox in the closet and told her husband not to open it.
After over 50 years of marriage she was dying and told him to open the box. When he opened it there were 2 doilies and $85,000.00
He ask why this was in the box. She replied “when I got married my mother told me to crochet a doily every time I got mad at you.
He smile thinking she was only mad twice and ask what the $85,000.00 was. She replied that's the money from selling the doilies.
After over 50 years of marriage she was dying and told him to open the box. When he opened it there were 2 doilies and $85,000.00
He ask why this was in the box. She replied “when I got married my mother told me to crochet a doily every time I got mad at you.
He smile thinking she was only mad twice and ask what the $85,000.00 was. She replied that's the money from selling the doilies.
LOL!Angelina said:When a woman got married she put a shoebox in the closet and told her husband not to open it.
After over 50 years of marriage she was dying and told him to open the box. When he opened it there were 2 doilies and $85,000.00
He ask why this was in the box. She replied “when I got married my mother told me to crochet a doily every time I got mad at you.
He smile thinking she was only mad twice and ask what the $85,000.00 was. She replied that's the money from selling the doilies.
SN: Doilies those are way back in the day! Bringing back memories lots of the older women of the church use to wear them and for some it distinguished them as "Holy Ghost Women" I know it sounds silly. But the Church mothers used to take the scripture literal when it said a woman's head should be covered. They wore the doilies, long skirts that covered up even the heel of the shoe, long sleeves to cover the wrists, high necked shirts to cover the neck, and wore dark colors and believed if a woman wore red she was a "lady of the night" and they didn't believe in jewelry or make and pants on a woman were of the devil! LOL. Not many women wear doilies today in the Church as a whole or in many Pentecostal Holiness churches but many Apostolic "Oneness" Pentecostal women still wear them though.
