How would you feel if your mother died and someone sent a condolence card with $50?

[NotTheRock]

That happened with me after my mother passed away at 92 this past September. Mom was always very humble, down-to-Earth, generous, and thoughtful of others and she did not want anybody making a fuss over her death by buying flowers, making donations, etc. Her only request was that they think about our Heavenly Father and to grow closer to him.

My sister-in-law sent the card and money. I explained my mother's wishes to my wife and asked her to return the money, which she did. Maybe my wife didn't explain it well because my SIL is apparently angry with ME! She told my wife that I probably "rejected" the money because it "wasn't enough".

 

[Rita]

I don’t know but personally I would have accepted the gift with gratitude, after all she wasn’t sending it to your mum, but to you and your family. You could have donated or used it to contribute to something, even if you don’t want flowers or donations, funerals still cost money. She may just have felt that she wanted to contribute In some way. Did your SIL know your mums wishes before she sent the money !?
Also how was the money returned, with a thank you and explanation or just returned ?
It’s always difficult to evaluate on one level as none of us here know your family or the dynamics within the family, I mean why did she consider that you rejected it because it wasn’t enough- something must have triggered that response.
Emotions run high after a loss and therefore how we all react to things is intermingled with those emotions, perhaps both sides were wrong in how they responded. It is obviously still an issue as you have raised it now…..so I guess it’s in how the issue is dealt with that perhaps can serve as a witness and draw people closer to the Lord, as your mum desired.
From the outside it looks as if the enemy scored a home run through causing you all to be offended and acting on the offence.…..

 

[Debp]

My 94 year old mother died June 21 this year. I would have gratefully accepted the gift of money. One family I know sent me flowers and one neighbor gave me a sympathy card.

Btw, when one of mom's brothers died some years ago, we sent his widow $45 instead of sending flowers. We thought she could use the money.

P.S. If you weren't in financial straits, maybe donate the money to a poor neighbor?

 

[NotTheRock]

I don’t know but personally I would have accepted the gift with gratitude, after all she wasn’t sending it to your mum, but to you and your family. You could have donated or used it to contribute to something, even if you don’t want flowers or donations, funerals still cost money. She may just have felt that she wanted to contribute In some way. Did your SIL know your mums wishes before she sent the money !?
Also how was the money returned, with a thank you and explanation or just returned ?
It’s always difficult to evaluate on one level as none of us here know your family or the dynamics within the family, I mean why did she consider that you rejected it because it wasn’t enough- something must have triggered that response.
Emotions run high after a loss and therefore how we all react to things is intermingled with those emotions, perhaps both sides were wrong in how they responded. It is obviously still an issue as you have raised it now…..so I guess it’s in how the issue is dealt with that perhaps can serve as a witness and draw people closer to the Lord, as your mum desired.
From the outside it looks as if the enemy scored a home run through causing you all to be offended and acting on the offence.…..

I just learned today from my wife. My SIL has two young children and have a tight budget, from what I'm told. My wife and I are older and doing fine financially. I appreciated their gesture. I didn't anticipate this reaction. As they say, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

 

[NotTheRock]

My 94 year old mother died June 21 this year. I would have gratefully accepted the gift of money. One family I know sent me flowers and one neighbor gave me a sympathy card.

Btw, when one of mom's brothers died some years ago, we sent his widow $45 instead of sending flowers. We thought she could use the money.

P.S. If you weren't in financial straits, maybe donate the money to a poor neighbor?

I prefer, and I know my mother would agree, that they should spend that money on their children/family rather than give it to us. They need it more than we do but I/we did appreciate their generosity and thoughtfulness.

I'm going to issue an edict, no more dying!

 

[Rita]

I just learned today from my wife. My SIL has two young children and have a tight budget, from what I'm told. My wife and I are older and doing fine financially. I appreciated their gesture. I didn't anticipate this reaction. As they say, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

In some respects the gesture was more profound if they are on a tight budget. Do you mean the reaction from us ?
I don’t think it matters what we have and much depends on what prompted her to give the money. We all need to learn to trust at times but equally there could have been lessons to learn about being willing to receive- who knows, in fact maybe that’s the good that could come out of it - ask the Lord to use it in some way.

 

[Windmill Charge]

I'd have paid it to what ever missionary your mother supported or to any charity she was involved with.

Example my Dad was killed in an rta, and taken by air ambulance to hospital.
As most of the extend3d family are not Christian, they got the gospel at his funeral and donated to the air ambulance charity.

If the order of service for your mother requested no donations, send a copy of it to your sister in law with an apology for upsetting her. You might restore normal relationships with her.

 

[Bob Estey]

That happened with me after my mother passed away at 92 this past September. Mom was always very humble, down-to-Earth, generous, and thoughtful of others and she did not want anybody making a fuss over her death by buying flowers, making donations, etc. Her only request was that they think about our Heavenly Father and to grow closer to him.

My sister-in-law sent the card and money. I explained my mother's wishes to my wife and asked her to return the money, which she did. Maybe my wife didn't explain it well because my SIL is apparently angry with ME! She told my wife that I probably "rejected" the money because it "wasn't enough".

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I think your sister-in-law was trying to do a nice thing by sending you money. It might have been a strange gesture, but it seems to me you should have kept the money. You might have hurt her feelings by sending it back.

 

[Behold]

That happened with me after my mother passed away at 92

Sorry to hear about your mom.

And regarding the person who sent you the gift.
They took their time to care about you....
Always appreciate it when people care...about you.

 

[DuckieLady]

That happened with me after my mother passed away at 92 this past September. Mom was always very humble, down-to-Earth, generous, and thoughtful of others and she did not want anybody making a fuss over her death by buying flowers, making donations, etc. Her only request was that they think about our Heavenly Father and to grow closer to him.

My sister-in-law sent the card and money. I explained my mother's wishes to my wife and asked her to return the money, which she did. Maybe my wife didn't explain it well because my SIL is apparently angry with ME! She told my wife that I probably "rejected" the money because it "wasn't enough".

View attachment 55110

That was to help lessen the burden of the costs that come. It was a small amount but probably all she could give and she wanted to do something, so that's probably why she was upset.

Could you and your wife ever take her out to lunch or something, and have the chance to explain it to her yourself?

 

[NotTheRock]

You folks are right. I should have kept it and used it for something charitable.

 

[Debp]

You folks are right. I should have kept it and used it for something charitable.

Are you able to apologize for hurting her feelings? I hope this incident won't continue to make a rift in your relationship with her.

 

[Stash]

If you want a relationship with your family member, I think an apology would be in order
Your mother has passed and has no say so in the matter. After you apologize, you will feel better and explain that you thought that’s what your mother would’ve wanted
If your sibling is a nice person they will understand and if you’re not a control freak, you will do the right thing. Don’t make it anything about you which most people seem to do.

Good luck and I mean it
Nobody wants to lose their mother for that I am sad

 

[Reggie Belafonte]

My Grand Dad and Uncle in Denmark both gave me a $20 Cheuque for my birthday back in 1980.
I was happy with that and I still have them ! looked at them 3 weeks ago, as i have them in a Album, they look good to me with thanks for being given such !

But my dad was very angery at me for not Banking the Cheques and ranterd like a total moronic idiot, Was it not enought !

The reason why i did not bank them was i worked for my dad and never had the time to.

All my dad had to do was come and ask why. Answer would of been, well how can I as the Banks are always closed when i am finished work.

So we have people who jump to think something or other, because they are idiots ! Like why not just be casual about an issue and take it from their eye to eye, that's a more mature way of dealing with anything.

Some people have issues with cash being given for some events, like Christmas etc. or make demands on the value of gifts have to be higher than a set amount ? That's the Rules !

Look i do not mind children getting gifts but not regarding adults. Wife and Hubby is fine but not ya 12 brothers and sisters and all ! if they get their nose out of joint with that, so be it. but don't have a bugbear about it ! As just being their on Christmas is the Gift ! as is regarding ones passing away, if they want you their etc, all is good. but biteing at others is a big no no !
Not to mention if some fool is trying to seriously be a cunning one with malice intent, then one can just let that be known quietly.

But giving one $50 is not a Sin. but it maybe seen that way if you are really wealthy for sure. popping $1000 wine bottles without a care in the world, as if it was 5 cents to others.

 

[quietthinker]

That happened with me after my mother passed away at 92 this past September. Mom was always very humble, down-to-Earth, generous, and thoughtful of others and she did not want anybody making a fuss over her death by buying flowers, making donations, etc. Her only request was that they think about our Heavenly Father and to grow closer to him.

My sister-in-law sent the card and money. I explained my mother's wishes to my wife and asked her to return the money, which she did. Maybe my wife didn't explain it well because my SIL is apparently angry with ME! She told my wife that I probably "rejected" the money because it "wasn't enough".

View attachment 55110

Oh dear, did anyone have frogs for breakfast?

 

[Angelina]

I just learned today from my wife. My SIL has two young children and have a tight budget, from what I'm told. My wife and I are older and doing fine financially. I appreciated their gesture. I didn't anticipate this reaction. As they say, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

This may be true but I think they wanted to give so they don't feel left out in not contributing toward the funeral costs etc. I would have done this as well even if it mean't having to go without for awhile. Perhaps you could sent an apology message or ask God how to mend this rift in a divine way.