WHO GETS THE HOUSE?

[GodsGrace]

No my ex never showed any guilt, and he had way more affairs than I knew at the end of my marriage. He carried on having other relationships. He died of cancer in 2019 , was living with someone else but there were many who thought he was seeing other women. We did talk before he died, he never said sorry as such , kind of made excuses for why he was unfaithful. The Lord enabled me to forgive him many many years - so I was at peace with it all.
My youngest and I live together next door to my daughter and her family and we have a wonderful friendship , have loads of laughs and support one another. My grand daughter has autism as well, not sure where she is on spectrum , but she has a wonderful boyfriend who supports and understands her.
It’s challenging for my daughter and her husband as they all have health issues, but being next door we all kind of help one another- it works really well.

Your GD is better than mine....no relationships for mine.
But she also is not desirous of one since she's not good in social gatherings and yet is very friendly.
It's strange. Each one is totally different so we can't compare.
Happy you're in such a good situation now...sounds good.
Some parents don't even get along with their children...even here in Italy where families are, maybe, a bit closer.
But, you know what they say: Tutto il mondo e' paese. I think you understand.

 

[MA2444]

Twenty Five years is a long time. She deserves half. She was his wife for 25 years.

If someone cheated it's a different story. Boot her out if she was the one cheating.
If he is cheating then if he intends to go with another woman then he should be fair about it and give her the house. Then he can skate off with his new girl.

She can't be all that bad if she stayed 25 years and did her wifely duties. She'll need a place to live so give her alll of the house is prolly what I'd do. Unless she cheated, then boot her out.

 

[GodsGrace]

Twenty Five years is a long time. She deserves half. She was his wife for 25 years.

If someone cheated it's a different story. Boot her out if she was the one cheating.
If he is cheating then if he intends to go with another woman then he should be fair about it and give her the house. Then he can skate off with his new girl.

She can't be all that bad if she stayed 25 years and did her wifely duties. She'll need a place to live so give her alll of the house is prolly what I'd do. Unless she cheated, then boot her out.

She didn't cheat.
She's not the type and her faithfulness in remaining with him with his problems proves it.
I agree with all you've said...it seems only right.

 

[Rita]

Your GD is better than mine....no relationships for mine.
But she also is not desirous of one since she's not good in social gatherings and yet is very friendly.
It's strange. Each one is totally different so we can't compare.
Happy you're in such a good situation now...sounds good.
Some parents don't even get along with their children...even here in Italy where families are, maybe, a bit closer.
But, you know what they say: Tutto il mondo e' paese. I think you understand.

My grand daughters boyfriend has a younger sister who has the mind of a four year old ( sadly it will stay like that ) so he has kind of adapted to dealing with things, also most of my grand daughters friends have autism. There are lots of things she can’t deal with, my friends son has autism and he has been in a relationship for over 7years, he works but some things he can’t cope with, as you say each one is different.
I am grateful for the relationship with my children, sadly sibling relationships vary. My oldest doesn’t get autism or mental illness at all, he is okay with his younger brother, but not with my daughter or granddaughter - so I am often caught in the middle of different views !
All families have issues and trials to face , some easier than others- must admit it’s taken a lot of tears and emotional roller coaster rides to get to where I am in my life now, oh yes and a wonderful saviour that worked with my youngest a few years back. So it’s lovely to live with another Christian, something I didn’t have during my married years xx

 

[GodsGrace]

My grand daughters boyfriend has a younger sister who has the mind of a four year old ( sadly it will stay like that ) so he has kind of adapted to dealing with things, also most of my grand daughters friends have autism. There are lots of things she can’t deal with, my friends son has autism and he has been in a relationship for over 7years, he works but some things he can’t cope with, as you say each one is different.
I am grateful for the relationship with my children, sadly sibling relationships vary. My oldest doesn’t get autism or mental illness at all, he is okay with his younger brother, but not with my daughter or granddaughter - so I am often caught in the middle of different views !
All families have issues and trials to face , some easier than others- must admit it’s taken a lot of tears and emotional roller coaster rides to get to where I am in my life now, oh yes and a wonderful saviour that worked with my youngest a few years back. So it’s lovely to live with another Christian, something I didn’t have during my married years xx

Gosh Rita,,,,sounds like it's an epidemic.
Is it worse or did we just not know about it years ago?
I wonder.

 

[Jay Ross]

When considering the circumstances involved in this thread, this is a "God" issue to deal with, and the wife needs to pray that God will include her present husband among those whom He is drawing to Himself so that they may know Him and His Love for them and His purposes for the husband.

@GodsGrace, you can pray for the wife that God is including her among those He is drawing to Himself so that she can know God's embrace and love for Her, such that she has peace within her circumstance through the leading of the God/Holy Spirit as God helps to resolve the circumstances of this relationship. Yes, we can voice our opinions as to what the "wife" can do and who should do what at this present time.

For me I sense that there is a "demonic spiritual" influence operating, and this is a God situation to fix. Yes, we can pray and thump our chests and demand that the influence of this spirit be removed, but that is not beneficial for the "wife" or us.

However, in faith we can ask God to "heal" the people in this situation such that they are both able to forgive each other and walk with God to come to His solution for their marriage.

Within the wider circle of the "wife's" friend, may the Lord draw them into unity with Him such that they may know how they should pray to God for a resolution for both the wife and the husband and that the best solution for both will happen so that Grace abounds and peace and consideration on both sides will prevail for them.

 

[GodsGrace]

When considering the circumstances involved in this thread, this is a "God" issue to deal with, and the wife needs to pray that God will include her present husband among those whom He is drawing to Himself so that they may know Him and His Love for them and His purposes for the husband.

@GodsGrace, you can pray for the wife that God is including her among those He is drawing to Himself so that she can know God's embrace and love for Her, such that she has peace within her circumstance through the leading of the God/Holy Spirit as God helps to resolve the circumstances of this relationship. Yes, we can voice our opinions as to what the "wife" can do and who should do what at this present time.

For me I sense that there is a "demonic spiritual" influence operating, and this is a God situation to fix. Yes, we can pray and thump our chests and demand that the influence of this spirit be removed, but that is not beneficial for the "wife" or us.

However, in faith we can ask God to "heal" the people in this situation such that they are both able to forgive each other and walk with God to come to His solution for their marriage.

Within the wider circle of the "wife's" friend, may the Lord draw them into unity with Him such that they may know how they should pray to God for a resolution for both the wife and the husband and that the best solution for both will happen so that Grace abounds and peace and consideration on both sides will prevail for them.

This is so beautiful Jay.
Know what? They both claim to be Christian. But only God knows the heart.
Being Christian used to mean something....I don't think it does anymore...I think it's just lip service.
Of course this friend is in my prayers and my daughter's prayers, and I'm sure her mother's prayers...these I know to
be Christian and a Christian's prayer can avail much.
I am sorry to say, however, that I really doubt this marriage could be saved.
Too much hurt and it's going to get worse unless a real miracle happens.
You pray too,,,maybe even just for her strength to know what to do.
She's also facing the possibility of having to go back to London where they met.
It's never simple....

 

[Rita]

Gosh Rita,,,,sounds like it's an epidemic.
Is it worse or did we just not know about it years ago?
I wonder.

I certainly didn’t hear about it much when I was younger but I didn’t hear about a lot of things, if you didn’t do well socially or at school you were classed as a dunce and sent to a school for under achievers ( awful but that’s how it was back in the 60’s and 70’s )
There does seems to be a lot of youngsters with autism now , and mental health issues- but we are more open to it now and do talk about it more.

 

[GodsGrace]

I certainly didn’t hear about it much when I was younger but I didn’t hear about a lot of things, if you didn’t do well socially or at school you were classed as a dunce and sent to a school for under achievers ( awful but that’s how it was back in the 60’s and 70’s )
There does seems to be a lot of youngsters with autism now , and mental health issues- but we are more open to it now and do talk about it more.

Right...my feelings exactly.
I pray for these kids...they don't have it easy in life.
My GD suffers from anxiety too.
Nothing here is "normal"...I think you know what I mean. (I mean family things).

 

[Rita]

Right...my feelings exactly.
I pray for these kids...they don't have it easy in life.
My GD suffers from anxiety too.
Nothing here is "normal"...I think you know what I mean. (I mean family things).

I have battled with anxiety most of my life, would you believe that they think it started when me and my twin brother were separated when we were a few weeks old, he stayed in hosp and I went home. When he joined the army when we were sixteen my world fell apart and I nose dived into a depression- he now lives in Germany. It triggers in the pit of my stomach constantly, so it’s not a mental anxiety it’s much deeper. I get it, I understand it , but just can’t stop it - drives me nuts !
Whats normal - does that actually really exist !! lol

 

[Rockerduck]

Actually, after 25 years, and being supported by him, and he is suffering from a mental problem, he's up the creek without a paddle. A judge takes that into consideration that he cannot make a sound decision. The house will stay with her and the judge will mandate insurance for her to make her "whole" again. He will be forced to leave and continue counseling and pay either spousal support or alimony depending on the state you live in.

 

[VictoryinJesus]

This shows how callous he's become...he cares nothing for her or her well-being.
Apparently he could remove her because she was in tears yesterday when she found out.

You said^
I commented “where is he getting his information from?”

Don't know what you mean.

I was only referring to the above where you had commented “Apparently he could remove her because she was in tears yesterday when she found out.” I guess I misunderstood and assumed someone told him he could remove her.

That sounds like he claimed or thought he has law enforcement on his side to remove her from the house. That is why I asked “where is he getting his information.” I see now, maybe he isn’t getting information from no one, instead he tells her he can remove her. Which I would be shocked if he can. Maybe if she’d hit him over the head with a bat, he could have her removed on the basis his life is in danger. But not because he just wants out of a 25 year marriage. (Imo)

25 years.

Wow. That is a long time. I really don’t have any more to contribute. I hope she is okay. I’ll keep her in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Jay Ross]

I am sorry to say, however, that I really doubt this marriage could be saved.
Too much hurt and it's going to get worse unless a real miracle happens.

Please note that I suggested that as God draws them into His Loving Embrace that the best solution for both of them will be the outcome, whatever that may be.

This is a God Problem to solve, and our prayers should reflect our willingness to hand all of the issues within this particular relationship over to God to resolve. Otherwise, we are getting in the way for God to be God.

 

[VictoryinJesus]

I have battled with anxiety most of my life, would you believe that they think it started when me and my twin brother were separated when we were a few weeks old, he stayed in hosp and I went home. When he joined the army when we were sixteen my world fell apart and I nose dived into a depression- he now lives in Germany. It triggers in the put of my stomach constantly, so it’s not a mental anxiety it’s much deeper. I get it, I understand it , but just can’t stop it - drives me nuts !
Whats normal - does that actually really exist !! lol

It doesn’t sound crazy to me. I’ve been watching an attachment specialists videos. It helps explain how a lot goes back to our attachments when we were young. Good question “what is normal-does that actually really exist!! lol”.

 

[Debp]

I told her to try another lawyer...this one seems too compliant to what the husband wants.
Selling the home and splitting...yes...others have said this.
You know what they say: A house is not a home.
But, yes, that may have to be the solution....I doubt she could buy her half since she's been home practically all her life.

I have 14 families in my immediate vicinity/neighborhood. 4 of them are divorced.
This one is "very close to home" and it saddens me deeply.

My personal belief is that HE should leave the home....I don't know why she has to pay for his bad decision.

So even when it SEEMS like a couple is getting along well, there still might be something rotten going on.
And see my post no. 9

Definitely she should try another lawyer. As someone else mentioned, she shouldn't leave the home lest he say she walked out.

Also, since she was mainly a housewife and also took care of him in illness, a judge would probably award her a fair amount of alimony each month. You said he made a good income.

You said he is manic/depressive so her lawyer should bring up these types of things so she isn't taken advantage of.

You said^
I commented “where is he getting his information from?”

I was only referring to the above where you had commented “Apparently he could remove her because she was in tears yesterday when she found out.” I guess I misunderstood and assumed someone told him he could remove her.

That sounds like he claimed or thought he has law enforcement on his side to remove her from the house. That is why I asked “where is he getting his information.” I see now, maybe he isn’t getting information from no one, instead he tells her he can remove her. Which I would be shocked if he can. Maybe if she’d hit him over the head with a bat, he could have her removed on the basis his life is in danger. But not because he just wants out of a 25 year marriage. (Imo)

Wow. That is a long time. I really don’t have any more to contribute. I hope she is okay. I’ll keep her in my thoughts and prayers.

He removed the wife from his medical insurance. I think that is what @GodsGrace was referring to.

 

[pepper]

I was going to post this under WOMEN'S LOCKER ROOM but decided the input of the men here would be good too.

I have a friend that has been married over 25 years. Her husband decided he wants to quit the marriage - we don't know why...I don't think there's anyone else involved and neither does my friend.

They own a home in both names. They have no children.
Just today he took her off the medical insurance policy without even warning her.

He can't do that.

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He was having depression problems (which required care at a structure at times) so she left her office job and stayed home to keep the home and help him.

I'm sure it's more complicated than this...

but

Who do you think should leave the home?

My belief is that the person that wants to terminate the marriage is the person who should remove himself/herself from the home.
He's saying SHE has to leave.

Any thoughts? (maybe I'm just old-fashioned).

Your friend needs to get a divorce attorney.ASAP.

In the meantime,if this is occurring in America, she might Google her state name then seek and answer to the question about the house.

 

[VictoryinJesus]

He removed the wife from his medical insurance. I think that is what @GodsGrace was referring to.

That makes sense. I understand better now. I misunderstood and thought he was trying to say he could remove her from the house.

 

[Rockerduck]

Clinically depressed people are very selfish and it's all about them and they are hard to live with. They will suck you into their life of depression. Lots of drama. It doesn't surprise me how much he is showing he can control her, by threatening to remove things in her life.

 

[Rita]

Clinically depressed people are very selfish and it's all about them and they are hard to live with. They will suck you into their life of depression. Lots of drama. It doesn't surprise me how much he is showing he can control her, by threatening to remove things in her life.

Not with everyone , much depends on whether they want to be a victim or a survivor, the latter will want to get better. Having said that a clinical depression is different to ordinary depression caused by circumstances. I have had both , one I worked through ( grief and end of marriage ect ) Post natal depression needed medical intervention. It is true that some people crave sympathy or empathy , with some it is justified, with others it isn’t and it’s that group that can be draining.
I have to admit I did go through a ‘ victim ‘ stage , years ago now and I cringe when I see this stage in others.

 

[Rockerduck]

Not with everyone , much depends on whether they want to be a victim or a survivor, the latter will want to get better. Having said that a clinical depression is different to ordinary depression caused by circumstances. I have had both , one I worked through ( grief and end of marriage ect ) Post natal depression needed medical intervention. It is true that some people crave sympathy or empathy , with some it is justified, with others it isn’t and it’s that group that can be draining.
I have to admit I did go through a ‘ victim ‘ stage , years ago now and I cringe when I see this stage in others.

That's why I said "Clinical". Repressive depression is different, and grief is different. Clinical depression is different, they are controlling and tend to blame others for their problems, and alot of times, constantly threaten to kill themselves, which is controlling.