That post was beautiful
@marks!
I heard a few days ago that those who have recovered from cPTSD are going to be the ones that the world is seeking for in these times. I do believe that, going by the amount of growth in emotional intelligence I have seen develop in myself just in a few weeks.
Most of my life I didn't remember much from my childhood, mostly there were snapshot memories without context, some seemed just odd, some were of the bad times, not much made a lot of sense. A couple of years ago, over the course of a weekend, access to my emotional memory was restored. All these memories came flooding in, and contexualized all these things I could never understand. This opened the door for me to see some of that growth of emotional intelligence, or EQ.
It's amazing when these comes come, and we can experience that surge in growth! Exciting and encouraging!
I have been on the healing journey for 21 years now after an abusive marriage from which I had to flee for my life. I became a psychologist lol
But this last journey of a month or two is bringing out all of the effects of my childhood that I had not idea about.
My younger sister got here Masters degree in Attachment Disorder. We don't have to guess why!
For me, learning about myself, and why I do the things I do, what drives me . . . actually, it was learning about Repetition Compulsion . . . that these inner forces pushing me so hard were nothing more than brain formation deficits and neurotransmitter deficits, that is was just a biological recipe set so many years ago that was making my life impossible . . . when I learned about that, I entered a very deep depression that lasted at it's worst about 5 weeks.
In the midst of it I had to ask God the tough questions, why, why, and why? But He had moved my heart a couple of months before to read/listen to Ecclesiastes, over and over. I read it 2-3 times a day more on the weekends, and listened to it in my car, while I was at work, I took it in maybe 6,7,8 times a day for over a month.
When those questions came, the answers came straight from Ecclesiastes, and this was one of the things that carried me through. And there was also a time of equal length where God stilled my flesh. These things were powerful in me to get me through it.
I had my spiritual pathway well set before all of this though, taking me through parched deserts and hell often.
"I don't see the faith of Christ as something He withholds, rather, I understand that in becoming born again, we are united to God, that Jesus lives in us, actually sharing His life with us."
I did go though a time when He seemed to have deserted, though of course it was not so but produced fruit and I think Him for that time. We learn so much more from suffering than times of comfort. He truly brought me to the end of myself and I will never trust in my own understanding again.
When He works under the floorboards, is how I think of it. I feel like He's gone through all the aspects of my life, my marriage, my finances, my health, my mind, He's taken each apart in turn, I'm still being put back together. I'm with you. This has taught me to not rely upon or trust myself for anything!
I would like to think there are those who do not need to suffer to grow, but it certainly is effective!
These consolations are often withdrawn, and a state of desolation ensues, and then the passive purification of the senses begins.
How true this is and what a blessed thing to know it. Whenever I have a trial I only have to remember that God is never wrong, I have often been very wrong to keep me on the path.
One of my most dear promises from God:
Hebrews 12:10-11 KJV
10) For they verily for a few days chastened us after their own pleasure; but
he for our profit, that we might be partakers of his holiness.
11) Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless
afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby.
I rely on Him to do what is required to get me where I need to be. I do my best to cooperate, but I know if I fail, He will not.
He has shown me recently that cPTSD is actual brain damage that can be healed sometimes very quickly and that has been a great encouragement to me and to you I hope. Thank you brother.
Yes, I've followed the research on this quite a bit, learning this has helped me a lot.
Something else, though . . . the spirit does not live in, nor is dependant upon the brain. The soul lives there, but my spirit lives in Christ, and therefore is not bound by the damage done to the brain.
I liken my state to a man driving a wrecked car. It pulls to one side, badly. The brakes barely work. It's hard to control, and hard to arrive at my destination. But I'm getting better at handling it, the hard steering is building my muscles, and I've even been able to make a few repairs.
But my spirit . . . in my analogy . . . has wings, so the damage to the car doesn't matter. I just need to keep in my mind that God has given me wings to fly, even when the wrecked car is blasting it's horn, flashing it's light, bursting into flames . . . anyway, just an analogy.
Much love!